Is it ever right to choose a partner over kids?

When my mom's latest husband moved in, I expressed concern over him hanging so many paintings/pictures because 3 years previously I had had to patch hanging holes from another stepdad after he left (I didn't say the last part).

I was 29 and paying half the mortgage.

He came into my room started yelling at me that he could pack up his shit and get out of that really what I wanted and wouldn't let me leave by blocking the door. My mom was walking by, looked and did nothing.

That's when I moved out because I didn't feel safe in my home. I did keep in contact with my mom but it was painful to see her not even say anything.

So you are already being dictated to by your adult children as to who you can live with etc. Bugger that!

Why on earth would you hand them any power at all, let alone this amount. WTF!

So from your update your children do have issues to work through. I agree with a PP that family therapy may be your best way forward.

@DangerMouse33 ,

‘DP didn’t scream in her face, he didn’t shout and he didn’t touch her below the shoulders. No instant strong reaction. DC1 was being very obnoxious towards me and present family, but in that jokey way that can be laughed off to a degree. She didn’t stop when I asked her to. I think DP thought this was done in the same tone.’

That sounds like a bit of a power play by your daughter. She was trying to show that she can say what she likes to you as she is family and, by implication, your partner isn’t.

Your partner eventually had enough and stated his position. He is your partner and has a right to defend you. Depending on how this happened, this also could have been a power play.

In one way it is flattering as they are both vying for your affirmation of their place in your life.

I think you should get your partner to apologise to her for overreacting. However, if she cannot accept the apology with good grace, you should tell her that she needs to make an adult choice regarding her relationship with you given that you have a partner and have as much right to one as she does.

@Raghnaid
I agree that there's more to this than what appears to be known
Also
Has the "mucking about" truly ever happened before and this was one time just too much?
Or
Controversially
Could your children resent your partner,
Whilst claiming tales of 'cruelty and violence'
Hoping to part you both??

Honestly, I can't see the issue with this, especially as you witnessed it as "mucking around." Don't adults do this to each other now and then? Why can't she cope with it - is there a long backstory about him being overbearing with her? Or perhaps her father being overbearing, so she tends to view everything through that lens?

It's not a fair either/or choice if she's being unreasonable. How much have you compared notes with her on her interpretation?

ETA: Just read the update on what happened. She is used to getting her way, by the sounds of it. I wouldn't pander to her.

Personally were I your DC I'd just avoid him from now on rather than punish you, but the second DC, despite getting along with him, also wants to go NC.

No offense but it took quite a bit of prodding for you to share details I think your update might not be entirely accurate. If that were all that happened, you would never have said DP was acting stupid but DC when she was being obnoxious. DP would not have been in the wrong, either.

As PP have said, there's a diff between "Come on let's drop this" and "Stop being a fucking brat", you didn't say how he touched her and whether he raised his voice, which probably means he grabbed her and told her to stop being such a fucking brat when he could have just said that's enough?

DC being melodramatic and immature is one thing, but the other one? They're both willing to sacrifice the relationship with their mother. Is the other DC also immature?

How would the DC describe the "incident"? Both of them?

So why did you describe that as “mucking around”?

Its constant on these boards. People in fact are berated in a thread if they're in the company of someone who is racist/bigoted in some way for example and not challenging it (telling the person off) there and then.

I don't think you are being entirely honest with yourself @DangerMouse33

There's clearly much more to this than you are acknowledging. Sadly until you get real about what's really going on then you won't be able to fix it.

The fact both of your DC are taking the same position suggests there's much more to this situation. It's unusual for both DC to take the same stance in a situation like this.

No personal experience except for the shock and horror at the entitlement of many mumsnetters adult dc…

This its really sad.

with context of the updates the AC are saying she can't live with partner. Then they are saying break up or we won't talk to you. So manipulation and your ok with that. OP is struggling for good reason. Her AC are entitled.

I am equally shocked by the mumsnetters bemoaning how awful their kids are when THEY were the ones who brought them up!

Makes you wonder how such perfect, saintly parents spawned such devil children eh?

I have read all of the updates.

I don't believe it is as black and white as that. The OP may be presenting it that way but there is a strong chance that this situation is far more complex than it's being presented as.

As I said, it is very unusual for both DC to take such a strong stance without good reason. So I don't believe it's entitlement but probably deeper issues not being acknowledged.

Well then they are completely out of order.

Their choice to cut their noses off to spite their faces

Im sorry for you OP

I am autistic. The way the OP's account lacks all detail tells me that she is not one of us. We would supply forensic levels of detail, and she hasn't.

Also, an autistic account would contain the other party's perspective, if known. "She said that this isn't the first time and he's finally gone too far. I think she's unreasonable." Not a complete void where what the other party said should be.

Jesus. A conceptual problem with you being in a relationship with anyone at all. That says it all. She clearly hasn’t moved past this at all and this trivial event (of course he’s allowed to tell her off - it’s a free country, people are allowed to call others out on poor behaviour) has given her an excuse to force you to be single again. What a thoroughly unpleasant set of adult children you have. They are controlling and manipulative and don’t give a shit about whether you are happy. In their heads, you are solely there to serve them.

I’ve read all your updates. You’re clearly minimising what happened. If it wasn’t serious you’d spell it out.

You being autistic doesn’t give you special powers to know exactly how every autistic person would write a post and what detail they would include.

They don't have to see him as none of you live together.

I think that, so long as this is true, it is about where the buck stops.

Provided this is respected - and there is no guilt-tripping about DP not being at family events - then it doesn't affect your dc.

However, the problem is these situations tend not to be so clear-cut and clearly atm this isn't the case, as he is there with both hands on your DD's shoulders and getting in her personal space. If that is what you feel the relationship requires, then I think they do have a right to go NC.

If you are prepared to accept they don't want him in their lives, then possibly say that and make an undertaking that he really won't be, even if he is in yours.

@AmusedMember

they are not children though, they are adult with their own homes, etc.

what if OP dumps her current partner and her daughters then take against her next one? Should she be single forever just to appease them?

This is absolute nonsense. Autistic people generally speaking (because everyone is different) do not tell things from another perspective, are very black and white and are quite capable of leaving out detail. My OH is just like this, he wouldnt have a clue how the other person interpreted his behaviour and will lie and obfuscate, divert conversation, miss information out etc

Yes, that can happen. But it usually doesn't. And in the case where the mother is studiously avoiding telling us what actually happened, it isn't likely to be nothing.

@marbIehalls

maybe they were too perfect as parents? Too child centred, too self sacrificing, and it didn’t give the children the message that they are not the centre of the universe and that other people (even middle age mothers!) have feelings and wants and needs too