Don’t want my 16 year old here anymore.

Really sorry to hear this OP.

I think your first thing is to tell him next time he attacks you or his brothers, you will ring the police. Then do that. He needs to know that you're serious about consequences for his actions.

If that isn't enough, then you will have to kick him out and he will have to present to the council as homeless.

If he gets violent call the police and social services. Really he needs more help than you can possibly give him at home and your other children are suffering. He's your son but he doesn't have the right to terrorise you and his siblings.

@Blackwidowsbite this all sounds really tough, I’m so sorry.

My DP is a manager at a supported living facility for boys like your son. I have met them all over the years and the majority of them have NEEDED to be in SL not home. There have been a few where if their home lives has been less chaotic then they’d have been better off with their parents but mostly they’ve needed staff who they can’t bully and the shock of being supported, not pandered to.
I really hope that this works out for your son and you and your children. You can’t continue to be bullied by your son, it’s completely unacceptable. Nor do you want your impressionable children thinking that it is normal. You can still have a relationship with him, just less of his bullshit in your home. Best of luck.

i am sorry the SS will not help though it might be worth tryin again.
i assume he does not attend a school or they may be helpful
have you approached your GP
Its very drastic but when he is kicking off have you ever thought of ringing the police its drastic but it seems you are close to drastic measures
approach your local housing tell them you want him out by a certain date usually a month then they have to house him or he will be homeless. you may have to wait until the date is actually up but then he should be offered a hostel or b and b place

Hi OP, haven’t read the full thread but change your bank cards, switch off the internet and refer yourself to social services as your children are at risk. Keep harassing them to help. At the next outbreak of violence from him - to you, the kids or the furniture - call 999 and tell the police you are being / afraid you are about to be assaulted and go outside. When they come tell them you are terrified of him and frightened for the children and don’t feel safe to go back inside until he is gone.

So their Dad left when you were pregnant with DD and hasn’t been back since? That is a lot for everyone to deal with. I agree he needs a positive role model and a purpose. A hobby or club. Some 1:1 time so he can talk through his feelings of anger.

@Blackwidowsbite

I am so sorry this sounds so hard.

My son dropped out of school for three years. He has been difficult but not impossible, and not violent. My son was adopted at age 3 and because of that we have had a lot of support and help. Not all adopters get it!

Some from specific adoption services but not all.

Please try your local neet/eet team (stands for Not in Education Employment or Training).

I would als work out a safety plan of what to do if there are any more threats/violence towards you or younger children.

I would try and find a way to talk to your son one to one outside the home )Go fir lunch at a sandwich bar, like Subway, McDonald's or whatever) without younger kids and Personally, I would explain a few things...

Credit cards will be changed and he will have no access to them.

If he does not go 'back' intp some firm of Education you will lose Child benefit and that means he will lose any treats/allowance/pocket money etc.

My son's favourite thing is fizzy drinks, energy drinks, used to be sweets etc. That's what he chooses to spend his money on!

I suggest you say you will turn off Internet at night to try to stop him being awake at night. Then do it

We did this with our son. He was so fucking angry and moaned constantly but eventually accepted it!

Likewise your son needs to take his meds.

Fir his health try not to buy fatty foods and treats. We tried by locking them away but our son was a cat burgler at finding them. So now, I try to limit buying them and ensure lots of fruit, bananas, cheese, yoghurt and meat etc in house. My son went from overeating to undertaking. It was (I think) all about bloody control and was exhausting.

My husband and I tried so hard with him. I cannot imagine gong it alone. You are so strong but it is so unfair you are just being left to cope!

Lastly, Personally, I would explain that any threats of violence or actual violence will be taken seriously and you will call the police.

Even the words 'put you on your arse' are a threat and if an most 6 foot, almost fully grown man said that to me, I would take it seriously. My son is also 16 and he is not far off 6 foot. But he is very skinny. Your son could use his weight against you so.please.lool onto things like NVR (Non Violenct Resistance) and think about your physical safety.

Lastly, this is a terrible situation to find yourself in. I know people love to 'blame the paretns' BUT it is not just about nurture, it is about nature too. And only.one parent I'm your case is actually dealing with it!

@60sbird

I am also so very sorry this sounds so hard.

How can you force someone to sign up for the army? 🙄

Not overeating to undertaking

overeating to undereating

Call the police when the violence happens, they'll remove him and once removed refuse him home, SS will become involved then and place in the emergency foster care, if sen he'll have Foster care and move onto assisted living, won't go into detail to how I know but they will support when it's gone to far,

I’m sure you won’t do this but if it were me I’d take away his games console and any screens, replace his phone with a brick, give him £10 cash every week to buy drinks or whatever and call the police each and every time he gets violent. Also tell him he is loved. I do genuine sympathise with you but sometimes the answer is staring you in the face.

Plus can you put in an urgent request to CAMHS. (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) might be called different things depending where you are. I'm England.

They are not dreadfully good but better than nothing. Do it now before he ages out

I'm sorry if he has already had a CAMHS referral.

I dont have experience of this but just trying to think what I would do. Ultimately I would put him out. He wouldnt be treating me, my home or my kids like this. Living in a family home brings expectations and he isnt meeting those - so he can find somewhere else. I would tell him to take himself to the local authority tomorrow with a bag of clothes and get help. I would tell him he isnt wlecome and if he isnt gone by 10am I will be calling the police. If you think he will be violent during this exchange of words, ask the police to come before you do it.

Alternatively
You can report him to the police for the violence against you and the kids, and any other criminal behaviour, and have him charged. Ask for conditions that he doesnt come near your.or your house. No matter how much police or social harrass you take him back (he is sorry now) dont do it until you have seen a long running change in him - attending therapy and anything else as directed by services. There ARE services and places available. Id even go so far as turning my phone off so they cant phone me and guilt trip me to take him back.

Whatever the route cause is, the current situation cannot continue. That gaming device would be in the bed too.

All the best.

When my son was being unreasonable I packed a suitcase for him and put it by the door and said you act like that again and you’re out. I meant it. You should not have to put up with this. My only advice is tough love and protection of your other children. Boys can get used to being a bully and I guarantee he wouldn’t act up if you were 6 ft with muscles

My cousin said it was really upsetting but said it was the best call she made.
hes now looked after 24/7 with people trained to do so and she visits and it’s all quite well managed.
you have to be kind to yourself and your other kids and you sound like you’ve done your absolute best with him.

aqualibre55

I tried to take away my son's phone. We almost had a 'fight' at the top.pf the stairs, which could have resulted in one or both of us falling downstairs!

A phone is their lifeline, their contact with outside world etc

So it might be better to use it to attempt to communicate with them, point to sources of support etc rather than remove it. just my thoughts.

It's easier to control who pays for the phone and intermet access than actually get the bloody thing off them.

Just my experience but OP as said her son is pretty big so not sure he will give up devices easily.

So sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you have done all you can, and as you said there are other children to think of. I have no direct experience to help with, but you seem to have had some great advice. It really is a no win situation. I would just say, try and explain to him that if/when he decides he is ready to change you will be there for him (not necessarily inviting him back to your home, but providing a contact option if he gets some common sense scared into him).

He does seem to need some purpose in his life, job, activity, interest other than gaming. But he isn't ready to accept that. Hopefully he is provided a good social worker that he eventually listens to and can help guide him, or a mentor of some description.

You mentioned sexism and misogyny, is he watching/involved with any of the social media stuff about the 'manosphere'? As he doesn't seem to see anyone else socially, it seems he must be getting some influence online. Its probably a long road back, but maybe try and find/show him some examples of others who had a rough start in life but turned it round. Positive male role models against the Tates etc. I can't remember any off the top of my head, but have heard many stories told by men who have come through the other side. I don't expect him to accept it straight away, but trying to give nuggets he may eventually listen to if he is able to see through the BS many teenage boys are being fed online.

Best of luck

I think if the relationship has broken down this much then he should be placed in something like the ymca or supported housing. I don't think he would be suitable for a foster home

So many utterly clueless people here saying daft stuff like "turn off the Wi-Fi" or "take the console or phone away".

Then what? He assaults his mother. (And trashes the house.)
He is overweight and 16 year old boys are tall. He could do some serious damage to her, or his brothers.

If you are this naïve, count your blessings that you know so little about domestic violence.

I am so sorry you are going through this, well done for persevering and not giving up on him. You are doing what you can and sounds like you are being let down by your local services.

Child to parent abuse falls under the domestic abuse umbrella. If you haven't already, can you contact PEGS and a local domestic abuse charity for support?

The DA charity should be able to give you a support worker who can do a professional referral for you to the Family Support Worker Service/ Team at your Local Authority. The younger children's Schools should also be able to do this for you which may help you get fast tracked for the support.

PEGS is an online support network for parents experiencing abuse from a child and they have resources and signposting you might find useful https://www.pegsupport.co.uk/

It might take a few weeks for the support to kick in, don't give up. Sometimes school can seem unwilling to understand the difficulties of C2P abuse - this cannot continue though as its putting the younger children at risk as well so really should be raised under the education safeguarding as well as the Dom A aspect.

Good luck and reach out to the parenting eg PEGS support groups if you need people who understand where you are x

Have you had any experience of dealing with ND teens? Because I can assure you that none of the things you’re suggesting would work with the ND teens I know.

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at your suggestions. Waiting times for any therapy is months. Charities are overwhelmed and unable to offer anything more than a leaflet. So to suggest 1-1 daily therapy is a pipe dream.

Anything but take away their phones and acsess to short form content and brain frying video games 24/7. The OP said they went to Mallorca and all he did was sit and watch you tube. Doesn’t anybody think it’s worth a try? I said give him a brick phone instead. Honestly, these devices are making our children demented they are frying their brains. Making them depressed, angry, anxious, afraid of real world interaction. Started about 6 years ago, I wonder what shift happened around then? I’m sure it’s not the whole story. Having no father around will be huge for him. Even the lack of sleep at night because they are up way past daylight hours doomscrolling is so corrosive for a growing boy causing irritability, hormones out of balance.

It’s not daft to do this.
If he kicks off call the police
Have back up in the house
prepare for him kicking off
i think it’s clueless to just put up with it
He won’t change unless he’s made to change

I wish I knew the answer but I don’t. However, I can empathise because this is exactly the same as my own son. I could have written this.