Don’t want my 16 year old here anymore.

So you're kicking your 16 year old son out but you have a partner living with you?

Others may have already suggested it too - raise safeguarding concerns at your younger kids' school. It is abuse.

You need an urgent review of the EHCP. Why is DS only receiving a couple of hours tuition a week? Are you appealing to EHCP?

When you say you begged for help from children’s services, what route did you take to challenge their decision to refuse to provide support? Did you complain, then ask for an independent review, then complain to the LGO? Depending on specifics, JR may be possible. Did you seek advice on whether your case was suitable for a pre-action letter. If DS has an EHCP, have you appealed the education side of things (and some social care provision is actually special educational provision) and asked SENDIST to also look at social care needs and social care provision, getting an independent social worker assessment if necessary? Knowing where you are up to will help with advice on knowing where to go next.

Won’t engage or can’t engage? It is likely to be the latter.

Even if DS can’t engage, have you had any indirect therapeutic support in order to help you help DS?

Op your other three children are not safe. You need to urgently get them out of h to e situation. Can they go and stay with their respective fathers or family of their fathers?

To be honest having more children with different men who walked out of family life, is bound to mess up a teenaged boy. He has grown up in chaos. Any child would struggle in these circumstances. You put him in this situation when you went on to have three more kids with another father, you can’t morally bail on him now.

As gently as I can OP why is he being allowed access to devices and wifi? Until he can afford to feed himself and put a roof over his own head it is entirely your choice whether he has access to these things. They are not a right they are a privledge that he will earn when he is capable of doing the things he needs to in life and showing his caregivers some respect. Whatever his diagnosis society cannot function if the next generation think they're entitled to rot their brains with screens all day and everyone else pander to them and pussyfoot around them. The first thing I'd do is shut all screens off. It really is that simple.

No advice but wanted to say I understand. My teenager threw her phone at me. Ended up in a&e needing stitches. Police were called and did nothing, social services referral who also did nothing. There doesn’t appear to be any support at all. If it was your partner you would leave, but when it’s your child you’re meant to just put up with it.

Call the Police next time. I mean it

Too many people here speak only from their own limited life experience and project how they feel about their own little darlings who do not behave in this terrible way and then criticise someone who is going through a hell they will never experience.

Ignore them.

I am a retired nurse and social worker. I have worked in community teams dealing with children and adults with learning disabilities, many of whom had extremely challenging behaviour.

My advice is this:

Find out the name of the head of child services in your area and write a letter to them making it very clear that you fear for your own safety, the safety of your other children and for your son’s mental and physical health.

Give examples of his aggression towards you, the theft, the vandalism, the influence on the younger children and the effect on the overall household.

Describe the effect on your health and the health of your younger children.

Describe how he interferes with and undermines your parenting of the younger children and the effect of this on their behaviour.

Specify your complete lack of support and isolation.

Point out that you are being left to deal with a young person who, if in any type of supported care, would be assessed as needing an entire team and quite possibly a 2:1 staffing ratio.

Describe how your son refuses help in the community such as CAHMS leading to them abandoning him and that he refuses to attend school.

Point out that at age 16 he is fast approaching adulthood and you, as a single woman with younger children, are being bullied, threatened, assaulted and effectively held hostage in your own home by this young man.

Tell them that after years of asking for help and getting nowhere they are now personally on notice that this is a tragedy waiting to happen.

Tell them that although you love your son you also fear him and you fear for your younger children and because of this you cannot continue to have your son living in your home.

After finding out other relevant names copy this letter to the chief constable of your area, the head of education, the head of CAHMS, your GP and your MP.

If you can possibly afford it, send all letters by registered post so they have to be signed for.

Also contact your nearest women’s refuge and speak to them about your fears for your safety. You won’t be the first woman to contact them who is frightened of a teenage son and they might be able to add some weight to wake up local services to your situation.

Glass

Very best of luck.
It is a disgrace that you are left in this situation. I am really sorry that you have been so let down.

Be sure to list all the others who are cc at the bottom of your letter so all involved know everybody else who knows.
Nobody then has plausible deniability.

My mother had a breakdown when I was 16. She threw me and my siblings out and my grandparent took me to the council and made me sit in the housing office until they did something. They housed me in a hostel that night. It’s horrific and still to this day I’m recovering from abuse and things I witnessed. Although none of this way my doing, your son seems to be extremely difficult to handle.
if you did take him to the local council with his age he’d be assigned a social worker which may help! Unfortunately social services didn’t see it as their responsibility to home me as I was 16.
good luck op it sounds an awful position for you x

Have you actually ever dealt with CMS personally?! They're useless. By far the worst people I have ever dealt with and that was WITH the exact address, work and bank details of my sons dad.

Every month they write off thousands of pounds that father's owe and the mothers just have to deal with it. It is not the shining light of help people seem to think it is. At one point I was offered £9.66 a week. Now he lives in America re married there is nothing I can do at all. They allow him to pay nothing despite earning a 6 figure salary because they 'won't intervene abroad'

I have no words of wisdom @Blackwidowsbitebut just wanted to say that I really hope you, your son and your other children get the support that you all clearly need and deserve. It sounds so incredibly difficult

Such a shame the UK does not have government-run military-style boot camps for behavioural correction! It would have done the work of 20 psychologists fawning over mental health.
I keep posting the same thing - but a few years back there was a post of a woman with a foreign mother who, over summer holidays, corrected the behaviour of her sadistically-minded son, once and for all, with very corporal methods. So I shall add what a shame we do not all have grandparents in non-sissy jurisdictions where they use traditional methods for behavioural adjustments.

Yes OP, tell this violent male that he can't use the wifi and take his devices off him. Let's see how that goes shall we. FFS!

"As gently as I can OP...." my arse.

I have experience of working in youth services and youth supported housing. It's not ideal but it can be done, you just need to advise SS that after a certain date, he can no longer live at home and they will need to house him. Every young person I encountered in these places had issues and I felt very sorry for them and sad but I was younger and child free back then and I had no idea what had led to them going there. One mum came into where I worked with her 16 year old son and said 'I can't cope anymore, I'm kicking him out'. I remember being disgusted and really judging her but she must have been at her wits end.
My almost 14 year old DD is giving me some relatively normal teenage attitude and even that is hard at times, I can't imagine what you're dealing with. I'm sorry.

This must be so difficult for you OP-i am so sorry you sre going through this! i think your ds has problems well beyond ADHD, he sounds depressed snd purposeless, but the most immediate problem is the violence and fear you are all living under. Thay needs to stop tofay. You need to tell your lad that if it ever happens again you are going straight to the police and you need go MEAN it and follow through.

Have you told SS that your children sre living in s home where DV is taking place? That they are witnessing and experiencing violence?