12yo DS getting bullied and school not doing anything

What have I just read?????

How inclusive is the school and the community it's in generally? You might find it hard to change the culture if it's quite embedded.

I grew up in a totally white, working class area of Scotland in the 70s. There were unspoken rules about how you could behave in the junior years- for example, every English kid who joined soon developed a Scottish accent to fit in. But it got easier as we moved through the school and kids saw the person, who they knew. It's the old adage "he may be unusual but he's one of us".

But year 7 is tricky as the other kids don't know him. They just see him as prey.

The black bag doesn't have to define him. It just keeps out of the way

Don't forget these small minded teens will very soon turn into small minded adults and there is enough intolerance in this country already!
Why should you have to blend in?
Why can't people learn to be nice or stfu???

We are social animals. We hunted in groups, lived in groups, died in groups.

In every setting where there's a group of humans doing something together, there is a group code and it runs deep within the human psyche. It is universal.

If you don't follow the code of a group, you may be targeted. It comes from a deeply animal place I often think in that the group offered protection but to be part of the group, you had to follow the rules. If you didn't, you'd be ousted and that could well mean death.

At 11, it's at the start of the journey as you start to define yourself away from your family - your main 'group' up until that point.

Now you begin to define yourself as an individual through your peers, not just through your family.

I would suggest to him that there's a reason camoflauge exists in nature. It's to protect each species from predators.

All groups have social hierarchies. We talk about the 'pecking order' for a reason. Ever seen birds on a duck pond chase each other. There are very clear hierarchies there. Imagine if a bird stuck newly coloured feathers in its chest and head - would it attract attention - yes it would...

For his self-esteem, the thing to remember is that the secondary school hierarchy isn't real life - it's just a temporary thing and he may well need to camoflauge himself to fit in for the time being. He doesn't have to change who is, but he may need to hide aspects of his personality until he leaves that group and finds another, maybe at 6th form.

Buy the bag, cut the hair, put on a more manly voice if necessary. It will protect him. Learn to hide in a group.

It's not necessarily about changing who he is. It's about understanding the rules of the game. Being too loud and proud can get you noticed.

Many young teen boys are merciless in their desire for power and control. There is a lot of jostling and attention seeking and trying to dominate. Popularity does not equal likability. Horribly sad but true.

He has to understand these dynamics as although they become less overt as the kids get older, there is a thread running underneath always...

Help him. He won't always live at home in your group. He needs to be able to thrive and survive in other groups too.

@Bigtrapeze This isn’t safeguarding really. It’s clearly the anti bullying policy and the behaviour policy. That’s the starting point. Safeguarding is more extreme and looking at the fact sheets produced by my local secondary, bullying by other dc doesn’t feature because it’s a separate policy. I’d keep it to the standard wellbeing policies for now.

This. As he gets older there is room for expression and difference but at 11 / 12 they really need to fit in and you need to help them to do that. I also know it is not the correct response but the reality is what your son is experiencing.

It absolutely is safeguarding

I am African-Caribbean and have been to multiple countries across Africa (and the Caribbean). Do not try to teach me about my own culture and lived experiences.

Your comments about people in Africa wearing “colourful clothes” actually made me laugh. Really? I had no idea, I thought they all walked around dressed head to toe in black. Oh and dreadlocks is a Jamaican term you say. Good to know. Having been raised by a Jamaican parent I had no idea!

In any case, colourful and vibrant outfits has nothing to do with the point I was making. An African/Latino schoolboy wearing make up, any clothes deemed ‘feminine’ and sporting a pink school bag would face the same issues as a teenage boy in this country. The idea that schools in those continents are some kind of safe haven compared to England because men over there wear brightly coloured clothes is ridiculous. You sound very naive.

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African countries...?? Are you sh£%%%g me ???
Very conservative cultures are in Africa.

That's my experience (I'm not from there but have close links). Schools are very conservative and traditional. Families of kids who have gone off the rails in the UK sometimes send kids back to Africa to straighten them out as it's a much more conservative and strict environment.

And yet here you are trying to teach me about my cultures and lived experience.

What I actually said was: There are countries in which pitching up with a colourful bag and longer hair wouldn’t make you a target.

That holds true. Makeup was not mentioned by the OP, “feminine” style in countries where men have long hair or wear tunics in bright colours is a moot point. That holds true.

What constitutes “masculine” or “feminine” in the West in terms of colour coding or style doesn’t necessarily translate to other cultures.

I never said schools abroad were “safe” that is entirely your own invention and a ridiculous claim. You have completely missed the point.

I was talking about school culture. That’s the thread topic.

Where boys need to have North Face jackets and dark rucksacks.

That doesn’t even hold true across the U.K.

What constitutes “masculine” or “feminine” in the West in terms of colour coding or style doesn’t necessarily translate to other cultures.

Obviously. People aren't missing your point, it's just somewhat irrelevant to the OP situation, especially if you're not saying that those places are safer in some way. That's why your posts aren't being understand the way you want them to be, because people are thinking about this kid's real situation. Saying that him pitching up with a colourful bag and long hair wouldn't make him a target isn't even true if you accept that he's actually being bullied for presenting as gay, which would make him a target in those places too as you now seem to admit. So yeah, it's a strange narrow reading and response and not especially helpful.

I’m just throwing Uganda into the mix! Tolerant African countries? Which ones? I do see school dc in East and Southern Africa being smartly attired in uniform but tolerance of differences is low from what I’ve observed.

You said there are African countries where a boy pitching up with long hair and colourful bags (which I took to mean the kind of bag OP’s son had, pink and clearly meant for girls since that is the specific issue we are discussing after all) would not be a problem.

I asked you to name the African countries you are referring to and you seem unable to do so. You are just making statements about ‘Africa’. A continent made up of 50 plus different countries which are on the whole socially conservative at best and at worst, places where a non conforming boy would face severe hostility and physical abuse.

If you’d bother to read the context of the original comment, I was simply defending the OP from accusations that she was stupid/negligent to send her kid to school with longer hair and a colourful bag. I pointed out that OP is not English thus these may not be issues in her own country.

@Eastie77Returns And if they are homosexual - don’t go to Uganda!

Come off it. She's been living in an English village all the way through primary. Even if she was naive about how things change at secondary, it's not akin to the complete ignorance of cultural codes you're imagining. She knows he's different, so does he, she just thought it would be accepted like it was at primary. What you're describing are cultures where it's the norm and therefore not different but where presenting as gay would still be an issue that most would be aware of. Anyway, it's clearly not just me who doesn't get why you're pushing this angle.

You didn’t ask me to name them. I’ve been to 7 out of over 50, and each country has completely different culture. However, the ones I’ve been to colourful clothing and accessories for kids would not raise an eyebrow nor would longer hair on males. What is the norm one culture is not in another.

I simply defending the OP from attacks that she should have known about the hair and the bag. But if she’s from another culture, these may not be issues there. Not all countries insist on dark rucksacks and buzzcuts for boys - this doesn’t even apply across the whole of the U.K or Europe.

Would you like me to take you to task over your erroneous comments about Meso and South America? I really cba.

An English village is not the world.

You’re conflating 2 different factors: one is longer hair and a colourful bag (which wouldn’t be an issue in UK cities and it’s not reasonable to expect a foreigner to be au fait with provincial mores); the other is a camp personality which OP can do fuck all about. And in any case does not signify his sexual orientation.

The premise seems to be that OP was negligent to send him to school as himself. She can cut his hair and buy a new bag but she can’t give him a personality transplant.

Don't forget these small minded teens will very soon turn into small minded adults and there is enough intolerance in this country already!
Why should you have to blend in?
Why can't people learn to be nice or stfu???

Sorry your post got hijacked OP - hope school step in properly and your son can be himself xxxx

Re-read my first response to you. I wrote “which countries are you thinking of?”

So you visited 7 countries in Africa where boys walked around with long hair or you got you impression it would be fine if they did because people wore colourful clothes. So which countries were these?

I'm conflating the factors that are conflated in the situation. It's you who's singled out one as though the other is irrelevant. No one has said it does signify his orientation except the bullies, which makes it central whether you/he/I want to be or not. The village and personality points are, again, obvious. But whatever, I'll leave you to argue with what you imagine is being said...

I’m sorry too, I wasn’t aware that defending OP would provoke attacks.