12yo DS getting bullied and school not doing anything

There is absolutely nothing wrong with boys doing ballet.

OP you need to contact the safeguarding lead and use the word safeguarding in every communication. Tbh I wouldn’t have let him have the pink bag in the first place, secondary is about uniforms both official and unofficial, girls would have the piss taken out of them for carrying that round too. You can be yourself without carrying around a statement bag.

I would say the school sound shit though, what evidence do they expect? Kids don’t have cameras fitted to them. I would also say some comp secondaries are definitely more toxic than others. Dd1 went to one for 3 years where all of the kids just seemed to go out of their way to be vile to each other. Dd2 is at a different school where that just isn’t the case, she says all the girls in her class are nice etc. Yes of course there are some who aren’t but they are the minority.

Boxing or self defence is a good idea, being able to fight back if you are being attacked in a group situation is essential, we teach our kids to be able to defend themselves. My youngest was bullied by older kids, one punch square in the nose of the bully stopped it and now they all say hi to him in school. He did get a suspension, but in my eyes one suspension is better than a whole school lifetime of being bullied by large groups of kids constantly…escalating into physical violence in and out out of school which it already has in your case.
its the law of the jungle in school, not all kids are nice kids and it’s already started for your son. I’m sorry to say unless he can now stand up for himself it will continue. The school is unlikely to be able to stop it, sadly. There was some horrific bullying at my all girls secondary, one girl was singled out in year 7 and even when she walked down the corridor everyone would either run away or shout stuff at her, it was horrible.
I agree with your husband tbh, I have boys and I’ve seen how the social dynamics operate, there is a hierarchy and it kind of operates in physical prowess like a bunch of lions. My boys are quite gentle but they certainly will defend themselves which has helped them to stay out of the sights of those who want to dominate the pack.
Listen to your husband on this one, he is male and will understand the dynamics. I wouldn’t put any faith in school to be able to stop it.

I have actually looked at the anti bullying policy and it says they should investigate reports of bullying, speak to the pupils involved and take action to stop it continuing. It also says they should make sure the child being bullied is supported and feels safe in school. The behaviour policy says physical aggression, homophobic comments and harassment are not tolerated either.

The correct response to a report of bullying is not ‘we have no evidence’, but ‘we will investigate and get back to you.’

If I were you I would quote each point of their policy and ask for evidence any of it has been followed. They don’t appear to have investigated, don’t appear to have spoken to the students, they have taken no action. They have taken zero steps to make DS feel supported and it’s very clear that homophobia and harassment are tolerated.

I think you need to write to the head of year, the safeguarding lead and the head outlining the fact they do not appear to be following their own bullying policies.

I know it's not right and you were trying to do the right thing by giving him autonomy but you sent him into a viper pit with a pastel girls bag, this was always going to happen.

School should be doing something of course but if he wants a peaceful life he needs to conform to the masses. Secondary school is horrendous but it's not long in the grand scheme of things.

Marital arts would be a much better sport than boxing for many reasons including less risk of head injury, broken nose, but also the moves are legal when used in self defence. But neither sport should be confused with self defence which is a legal principle not a set of activities. What he needs right now is self defence training.

But if my kid was at a school were SD training was necessary to protect from other kids not outside predators I would seriously consider moving schools.

I normally think its a good idea to stand up to bully's as it helps the child's confidence - but I worry how wide spread this is amongst older age groups now and the school's lack of help. I would consider moving schools if you can and give him a fresh start.

I think if you did not go to school in the Uk you might want to find a friend to sense check some things with them. That bag is designed for young primary school aged girls - there is a review from a mother saying her 9 year old loves it. I would not have let my daughter take such a brightly coloured young child looking bag to high school as it would make her look young for her age and be a target for this sort of thing. All our local high schools ask the kids to bring in dark coloured bags.

Your son is telling you he is OK but clearly he is not so you are going to need to step in and work out a better path for him. Is there a drama type school locally he could do to?

If your DS is up for it, I absolutely would look into the boxing lessons.

Not so he can hurt someone; so he can defend himself.

Girls would have been bullied for that bag too. The last thing KS3 students want is to be seen as immature or babyish.

One issue here is that your DS is stubborn, and the best thing you can do is help him develop his social intelligence. Secondary school rucksacks are generally dark, so I’m surprised your school has no policy on this.

I’d get him a dark backpack and let him personalise it with cool badges, LGBTQ ones if he identifies that way, or anything else that reflects his personality, like his favourite TV show, places he likes. Let him have his hair how he wants and encourage his talents too. Does he attend a good drama club outside school? Is there a sport he enjoys? Getting onto a team can really help socially. It's not what he looks like that matter but that he develops his awareness, skills and talents.

Saying all that, the school doesn't sound very good.

OP is apparently not English and other countries do not have such narrow, conservative cultures with intolerance of difference. There are countries in which pitching up with a colourful bag and longer hair wouldn’t make you a target.

While bullying can be found anywhere, it is not true to say that all secondary schools are “horrendous” - state schools in big cities where there are many different cultures and in the private sector, there tends to be more inclusivity of difference.

I was always friends with the camp boys at school - honestly it’s hard to be a gender non conforming boy and I think that’s maybe part of the reason we see a lot of young camp boys identifying as something else other than a boy. They get more protection from the school.

Honestly, it’s going to be hard for him. That’s the bottom line of it. In my experience it was often the older girls who would end up protecting these boys and telling the rest to lay off, but I don’t know if that’s the case these days. Keep on at the school, and keep encouraging him to be himself. If it were my son I would be encouraging him to continue being himself and explaining that it will be hard. I’d be realistic with him (in an age appropriate way).

If the physical stuff continues I think you should look into moving him but maybe don’t jump the gun. Could be out the pan into the fire.

Move him.. it’s only year 7, and get him a boring black bag to fit in.. he can be original as he likes in college, but other year 7 s can’t deal with difference yet and he doesn’t have to be their punchbag..

The voice of reason.

My eldest was bullied on and off all through secondary so you have my thoughts. If you have no success with the form and head you need to email and copy in the governers. We even went to the local MP and things did improve x

Which countries?

Yes. Year 12 and 13 my eldest went back to his eccentric dressing and no one batted an eyelid. Year 7 and 8 he just needed to blend in.

It's a pack mentality. Doesn't sound like the school has an establishment culture of tolerance.

So, he can either be at the cutting edge to force a change in culture (which will be painful, may not be successful and may take his whole time at the school)... Blend in physically.... Or teach him that he can show his character through his actions and words.

If you aren't going to help him blend in, and he embarks of a solo mission of culture change armed solely with the schools anti bullying policy, then teach him to fight back- either with words or physically. Kids see something different and smell difference and equate difference to weakness. He needs smarts.

Of course he might end up being protected by the teachers- but honestly schools are brutal and even having that reputation means they are a target for bullying.

It's secondary school- he is there to learn and make friends. Your job as a parent is to help him do that. Ask yourself if the back pack and haircut are helping or hindering.

Or, find a school that has a more tolerant culture already embedded.

I also agree. Starting high school isnt the place to be different and stand out. Go in plain and find their feet with everything first and then sprinkle in some personality.

Just becasue a child wants somethong doesnt mean to say we give in and get it for them. I feel like you should have bought a plain nike backpack and told him thats what hes wearing and its not up for discussion.

Like you say its just a bag...but by letting him choose a giris bag to start high school has caused so much issues for him.
Its lierally on here all the time when kids moving to high school to buy a plain black nike school bag, havnt you seen the threads every year or this summer?

Like pp said youve sent him with a target on his back unfortunately.

Get a plain black nike backpack and haircut this weekend in time for starting again on Monday.

I also think martial arts is a life skill like swimming and he should start asap as many kids will have been doing it for years by now. Cant all be fun activities, we have to prepare them for real life as best we can.

With regards to bullying procedure if you were lucky enough to get through primary school with no incidents then you'ce npt learned hpw to paper trail everything. Any incidents need to be emailed, speak to teacher then email afterwards. Consistent issues start an email with subject "incident log billy joe and peter parker y7" and update that email witg every tiny incident starting incident 1, incident 2 etc. Include date, time, location, what happened witnesses, impact/how your son felt.

Your luck if youve got this far without paper trailing but you will need to learn fast and take action now over the weekend. Keep it short and informative too. Phone calls alone dont cut it.

So yes today:
Nike black backpack
Haircut
Paper trail the school via email - "due to recent incidents i am documenting all issues so far for both of us to keep tracl of these issues and work together going forward...."

Med countries, Latin America, certain indigenous communities globally, India, African countries..

Agree about state schools in big cities being much more tolerant. My DSs go to one where no one would bat an eye at the OP’s son, but I also know that if my kids went to my old school in a much more insular northern town, they’d be eaten alive. There’ll be pockets of inclusive people, youth theatre groups and such, but being different threatens the tribal culture and that kind of confidence brings out the bullies.

It’s a real shame he didn’t go to the schools where his primary friends went and if there’s anyway to move him now I would. Changing his hair and bag won’t erase his reputation, though I’d ditch the bag anyway as it was a mad choice and shouldn’t have been left up to him. Even at my kids progressive school everyone has black backpacks to avoid any such behaviour issues.

I agree your DS shouldn’t change who he is, and it’s just this part of adolescence which is the worst. He’ll find his own tribe out in the world and thrive one day. But this school isn’t the place to change the world. Definitely keep pushing for a better response on the bullying and escalate to police if there’s threats of hate crimes/homophobic violence. I’d also try him on a martial art to back up that confidence with the knowledge he can handle himself if it ever gets out of hand, which hopefully it won’t. And if you really can’t move him somewhere better, get him the bag and haircut he wants and do whatever you can to support his safety.

Really depends on the school.

Secondary is brutal.

But I am sorry. You also have to take responsibility. That bag! He became an immediate target.

What other advice are you giving him? The school will not take you serious.

But perhaps this is the wrong school. One school in my area differences would be not too bad, but another the child wouldn't fit. You need to take responsibility here. Is the school fight?

But holy moses. You need to wise up too. The child had no chance.

It is a shame he went to school with the bag. But what is done is done. Even if he should absolutely be allowed to do so. It was an open invitation to be bullied. No, that is not right but that is the reality.
Get him the black bag and get his haircut for his sake.

Go to the school and register your disappointment at what seems to you a lack of care. They, have done precisely nothing. You want to know what will be done. And nothing is not a suitable response.
Sometimes if they wait for evidence that evidence could be appalling. Do set out to them in writing the things and incidents of concern. And raise it further if nothing happens.
The PE teacher in particular is not in charge of his class.

I would too, consider moving your son. He sounds confident but you do not want that broken.

I'm not sure what you expect the school to do,if violence isn't involved it's just kids being kids,and your DS has actively encouraged comments with his choices, now he has to live with the comments.Next time he is being really stubborn reminds him that your choices directly effect the way you are treated.He has decided he doesn't want to go with the flow,and now he has to live with that decision.Expecting the school to intervene is just not realistic.

Most Latin American and African countries are really not tolerant of boys turning up to school in pink bags, long hair and make-up. Which ones were you thinking of? Are you aware same sex relationships are punishable by long prison sentences or death in some African countries?