12yo DS getting bullied and school not doing anything

I think your son is being really clear about his boundaries here and you should do what he’s asking. My daughter has been bullied on and off for years now (we are Jewish so it just comes with the territory) and goes through cycles of wanting to hide it and wanting to shout about it and get angry. I meet her where she’s at and only interject when she asks (anything physical basically). So I’d personally explain to your son that he shouldn’t ignore physical attacks but you trust him to let you know when he needs support from you or his school otherwise. The thing is, he’s just going to stop telling you things if you ignore his wishes.

That backpack was a massive mistake and I’d let him fix it. He is who he is but he’s decided that’s not a hill to die on so just support him.

The best thing I did for my daughter was sign her up for self defence class. It’s really helped her confidence and she feels better knowing she has some tricks up her sleeves. When a group of older teenagers blocked her into the school library asking her if she was ‘weak like Anne Frank’ she was able to get past them because she definitely is not. Self defence classes (good ones anyway) will teach de-escalation techniques and how to get away and only resort to physical responses when there’s no other option. Am not sure boxing will help in the same way.

And honestly if you have other options I’d seriously consider moving schools. He doesn’t have a close friend group, it’s just the beginning of high school and these sorts of spreading bullying things are really hard to get on top of. If it’s one kid or one group of kids there are options but if it’s spreading across different groups and classes that’s pretty toxic and hard to recover from.

OP, DD was good friends with a lovely boy in Primary school who wore pink accessories, painted his nails and only invited girls to his birthday parties. There were no issues whatsoever at primary. In Y7 he enrolled in a highly regarded secondary with impressive sounding inclusivity policies. He was bullied mercilessly from his first week. Mum told me she was shocked supposedly well brought up children from affluent families (school was in a ‘nice’ area) could be so cruel. He just had to blend in so he dispensed with all the girly stuff and cut his hair. Not nice but it is what it is.

He is now in Y9, more confident as he eventually found his tribe, has a nice circle of friends and his ‘real’ personality and personal style has re-emerged. It takes time.

That’s what I thought. Really sweeping statement. There’ll be more and less tolerant areas within all countries, major cities tending to be more diverse and tolerant (or caring less) about difference, but that list covers countries with rules and religions that embed and even promote homophobia so it’s pretty idealistic. I was expecting that poster to cite scandi countries maybe, but honestly even the most progressive cultures get less so out in the sticks. Think of the difference between Pride in Aussie cities and the macho culture of the outback. No whole country has this sorted.

The UK has come a long way legally and culturally in the last decades, but there are still lots of divisions. If OP is in a place where the primary school only had a handful of kids in it, this is not some enlightened urban centre. Even in the likes of Hebden Bridge, there’s a ‘towny’ culture among kids this age and more conforming than wanting to stand out. As pp said, it’s a pack instinct and risky to provoke it.

Wow. I disagree with a lot of PP

Of course your son ought to be able to go to school with longer hair and a colourful bag. It's 2026. I would expect and demand better.

My son experienced a lot of stereotype policing at his primary school due to his choices. Most of the kids came from traditional backgrounds so it was mostly telling him "boys can't wear that" "you're a boy, cut your hair" . But at his youth club held in a more affluent area, he would get asked (or told) if he was a girl now by kids who'd been taught about gender identities.

Luckily my son was and is confident. What upset him more at his primary school was the way boys treated girls. And I think this is really important. I can guarantee a school that allows intolerant, homophobic attitudes is also going to have a misogyniy problem. Not that that's morally worse than the homophobia but it affects half of the pupils.

My son's primary school took his complaint (he complained on his own initiative) seriously and bought in an equality programme that they ran as a kind of club.

Saying all this, I wouldn't place too much emotion on your son changing styles for now. That's also an extremely normal part of growing up. But I would demand the school faces up to this and tbh if I didn't see a vast improvement from the leadership I'd also look at moving him. Again, moving secondaries in the pre GCSE years is also relatively common for lots of reasons. I wouldn't want my kid staying in an environment that didn't teach kids to tolerate difference.

You have sent him like a lamb to the slaughter! What on earth were you thinking sending a 12 year old boy into the midst of teenagers looking like a 5 year old girl?
Your poor ds had not got the social experience and street smarts to know what would happen.You as an adult should have done, had his back and put your foot down!

Gosh if it wasn't ethically dubious I'd photograph the kids arriving at my son's secondary school tomorrow morning. Every ethnicity and cultural and socio-economic background. Huge variation in style and fashion choices. (It was this that made me first consider the school actually). It's a kind, friendly, very well run school.

Schools don't have to represent the very worst aspects of society.

All your examples are at primary school, and your primary sounds less inclusive than the OP's was. I'm glad your DS addressed the issues, but it's not really a like for like comparison, and this secondary isn't going to bring in 'an equality programme that they run as a kind of club' to fix these secondary school bullies. They can - and will be doing - lessons on these matters in PHSE, assembly etc but it's not going to change deep-rooted attitudes and insecurities in other kids. Punishments might have an effect but the school don't sound effective that way.

I agree the bullying needs dealing with and things should be better now, but the reality OP's DS has to face is that it's not better in his school and how to get through the day - or change schools for a fresh start. Agree the latter might be best if the school continues to minimise, but unless they get lucky, it will come up sometime in future so the DS needs ways to keep himself safe. Understanding other people's attitudes aren't always warm to confident mould-breakers is worth learning so you aren't naive and at least know your enemy.

I'm so sorry to hear about your son's experience.

Schools have a duty to thoroughly investigate bullying, not simply to say there's no evidence. All homophobic (and racist) incidents are meant to be recorded and the school governors are informed (of the statistics, not the details of individual cases).

Though as someone who has had to investigate these things, it's not a simple or easy process and can lead to the perpetrators becoming more circumspect and devious in the ways they bully. However, I do think you should pursue it, if only to raise the awareness of the staff generally.

Another option might be to move schools - assuming he is in year 7, it is not unusual (round here anyway) for children to move schools at this stage - eg because they got their second choice school and a place has come up at their first choice. If its possible, it might save a lot of ongoing angst?

I would say that the children who I find the worst are often the clever, overindulged children who have a high opinion of themselves. Just because there might be children from an affluent background, doesn’t mean they can’t be vile as well.

If you DS truly didn't care what anyone thought why is he complaining to you of being bullied?- he hasn't been hurt or threatened so what about the comments pupils are making does he consider to be bullying? He knew there would be comments, he said he didn't care, therefore he has changed his mind- it is worthwhile pointing this out rather than trying to get the school to police something which is unpolicable.

So this is where you project Western assumptions onto countries you’ve never visited. (Bearing in mind I’m from 2 of the countries I listed.)

“Most”? What does that even mean? Meso & South American and African countries have very different cultures

Hair in Latin American countries is often longer, colours more vibrant, indigenous populations often have longer hair by tradition. I’ve also spent time in several African countries: totally different cultures, but in general clothing is often colourful, males may wear traditional dress including: tunics in bright colours and vibrant patterns, skirts. They may wear ornate jewellery including necklaces and earrings. And they may wear long dreadlocks (which is a Jamaican term but worn across Africa). In poorer areas where clothing, bags, books are in short supply even supplied by overseas aid there is zero fascism about style and colour.

First rule of subtext, people don't say what they mean. Often those saying they don't care mean the opposite. It's like a spell to ward off the hurt. I wouldn't hold him to his literal words. However confident he acts, cruel comments will impact him and he'll be struggling with who he is and how to manage that in this place that doesn't accept him. It's hard being that age and extra hard being different. Pointing out that he does care or he wouldn't be complaining won't solve the real issue which is the bullying, and which the school could and should police. It needn't have to escalate to him being hurt and threatened to be taken seriously.

I wonder where the kids get the idea that everyone should fit in and conform… this thread is unreal.

This is good advice. It’s not clear at this age what his sexual orientation will turn out to be - some straight men can be camp. But this doesn’t sound like a school where you would want to find that out.

The real issue isn't the bullying, the real issue is his reaction to the bullying- you, and he want someone else to sort it out -so he can be himself and not worry about comments. Well life is not like that you have to work your way through life, often without much outside help- so putting yourself in a position where you will be attacked (because that is what human nature is like) is very unintelligent. your son is, or should be learning how to navigate his life to it's best advantage, and this is a very useful lesson,because putting yourself in a position like this will cause misery, the best solution is not put yourself in this position in the first place, not to expect some other person or institution to sort out the mistake he made.

Feels a bit like you're wilfully missing the point. You're describing cultures in which it's a cultural norm to wear longer hair and bright colours. Fine. But the example here is of a teen going against the dominant culture. So the equivalent in those cultures would be something breaking that dominant code, not something in tune with them. Plus it's pretty evidently homophobic bullying going on, not really about bags and hair, so unless you're saying these cultures are also perfectly inclusive on that score, then again it feels like missing the point.

Victim blaming much? You don't think anyone should tell bullies not to bully? Or take steps to stop them? That it's on the people they pick on to stfu and hide?

It's not that I don't agree that the bag was a bad idea, but it's some leap to say bullying isn't an issue and it's on the bullied to react better and grow from this.

Hell of a lot of victim blaming on this thread.

The school needs to take homophobic bullying (which this is, regardless of the child's actual sexuality) seriously, and it's staggering that they are not in 2026. If this was happening in a workplace - people literally ganging up on him, damage to property, someone being physically shoved into a locker because they were thought to look a bit gay - nobody would be saying "well, it's just a brutal environment, what do you expect", so why is it acceptable for it to happen in school?

I depends which you prefer- being a victim , or growing from the experience. What is it that you want the school to do ? You say you want action , but what action?

Ones without school uniforms. A pink bag blends in a lot more comfortably where not all the kids are otherwise wearing the same, dark colours.

I'm sorry but this. Did you REALLY think letting him choose that bag was a good idea?

Whilst in an ideal world it wouldn't matter, surely you understand that we don't live in an ideal world and this was bound to happen?

I’m the one who made the original point:

OP is apparently not English and other countries do not have such narrow, conservative cultures with intolerance of difference. There are countries in which pitching up with a colourful bag and longer hair wouldn’t make you a target.

What is the “dominant” culture here? It depends entirely on location, culture, class, income bracket, school type.

The bullying is definitely homophobic but he may not actually turn out to be gay so it’s equally about style and difference.

I think these dc are y7. He’s age 12 in y7 so older than the majority. Most of the 11 year olds won’t have experienced DS with pink bags and long hair. Is it homophobia at age 11-12? Is that 100% clear? Of course shoving and pushing and generally being unkind is bullying. However thinking about the situation in advance also pays dividends. If DS had backed off a bit he could have taken stock of the situation and found similar dc. They will be there but not so confident about themselves. They need to be discovered and this is what he needs to do now. Take a look around at who didn’t bully him and who’s more accepting.

I cannot see PE being joyous for him so by all means complain but it’s not going to be easy to find friends quickly.

Idk why you think African & Latin American countries don’t have school uniforms.

OP, this is rubbish and I really hope your DS doesn't change himself. He sounds great and would be admired at my daughter's state secondary for his long hair and bag, and would probably have a load of Year 9 girls befriending him. I don't think you can expect other Year 7s to stand up to bullies whether they are friends with DS or not. School age kids are very wary of putting themselves in the firing line and it's less about character and more about self preservation.

If he is asking you not to make a fuss about name calling, sadly although I am right there with you, I think you need to follow his lead. If things get physical I would be inclined to let the school know. I might ask if you need to complain about a homophobic incident in their school to the LEA. It might put it in some kind of context for them.

This is both bullying and homophobia: your son's sexuality is irrelevant to what he is receiving. I like that he is angry about this: I think that's the right reaction. I'm angry on his behalf.

Bullying is awful, and this is definitely what this is, but what makes it stop is often unpredictable. Schools can speak to perpetrators and it stops instantly, or this back fires. Ignoring it is often the fastest route out. It's not easy and it doesn't feel morally right, but if there's no reaction, the bullies often move on.

Is there some teacher he has made a good relationship with who he might talk to? Is there a lunch time club that he could escape into? I don't like to use stereotypes but I am sensing the bullies will be busy at football and won't bother him at choir, drama or orchestra club. He needs to find a supportive tribe, and these places might provide it.

Lots of people do cite martial arts as a good strategy to provide confidence to stand up to bullies and if your son wants to, all good, but he really shouldn't have to and it might not be his bag.

Anyone who bullied a boy for being feminine at my daughter's school would be considered awful: that's not a problem, but there are some kids who experience this in other arenas, often due to nothing that can be pinpointed and whilst school do deal with it, sometimes it happens on the fringes of the school day and is harder to sort.

When dealing with school, I would mention safeguarding. I would ask for a meeting with the safeguarding lead and ask for their action plan on removing violence due to homophobia in their school. Suggest if they won't act, you'll make a safeguarding referral yourself if physical incidents persist. Ask if they think you should go straight to the Police. Be polite but firm. Whether they have evidence/witnesses or not, this is happening.
If someone assaulted your son in the street and it was a homophobic motivated attack, the Police would be involved. School know this.

Your son might be reluctant for you to get involved but perhaps might be swayed if you suggest there might be someone in next year's Year 7 who gets the same treatment and you guys could prevent that. He might feel galvanised by that. He sounds very cool. These basic bullies don't know that yet but I bet by Year 11 they're doing nothing much and your son is thriving. Changing culture is hard. Good luck, OP.