12yo DS getting bullied and school not doing anything

Definitely let him have the black bag and the haircut. I would actually consider moving schools if there are other options close by so that he can have a fresh start.

I really would not advise this.People trot out this shit assuming that the other boy is just going to run away and not retaliate! Your boy could get seriously hurt and the incident will be viewed as a fight not your ds being bullied.

It’s bullying. It’s escalating and the school are doing nothing whatsoever.
Im sorry to say this won’t improve and is showing signs that it will get worse.
I would move schools and fast, whilst your son still has some confidence.

Can you change school? Start over, less of a target, toning it down for now? I know this is heartbreaking, everyone should be free to br who they are. Unfortunately it's not like that, even for adults, and we have to protect our children from bullies.

I agree with your husband about the boxing. At least he’ll learn to block if he’s assaulted. And if he does end up having to punch back, they might think twice about messing with him the next time. I don’t advocate violence, but this isn’t going to stop by asking nicely. The school need to step in.

Can you change schools to give him a fresh start?

And absolutely- by the black bag. You were mad to allow the pink one!

Problem is, if the school is near enough, the kids will all have talked, and moving won’t help.

I don’t think it’s ’that deep’ as the kids would say. But hopefully it will die down.

I think if the majority in his primary class went to private or grammar schools he was probably in a primary school in a high achieving and affluent area. Secondary schools by their very nature tend to have such a broad catchment that even affluent ones will have a handful of children from rather less educated backgrounds and the reverse is true as well: very rough secondaries will have a few children from very educated and middle class backgrounds.

It can come as a shock to the system for even fairly streetwise children just how different secondary school is. Many disguise it well and adapt very quickly (not always for the better!)

Chances are this will blow over. If he’s flamboyant by nature he may find his niche in drama or music and find like minded kids. An identity does not rest on a bag or a haircut when all is said and done.

the school sound crap - I’d be complaining more and definitely going to the head if needed. I’d also let him have the bag and haircut. Sometimes we all ‘give in’ to social norms.. I often think this when I see women who are mostly all dressed the same!
there are very few avenues of life where people genuinely stand out. I would offer him plenty of activities after school etc to help him make friends outside of school aswell x

Say what you will about home education but this herd mentality of school kids is rarely seen in HE. We encourage our DC to be accepting of others and are present at social gatherings in order to enforce/teach/model this behaviour. Schools could learn a lot …

It’s really difficult to explain what I mean to people who are looking in from the outside, but I’ll try.

I’ve worked in secondary schools - and stood up for countless children/got them excellent results/sent them to great destinations - for more than two decades. I have taught many boys with long hair/crazy bags, and they’ve got on just fine with zero bullying and minimal stupid comments. The anti-bullying policy generally works at my school, because children are accepting of difference and we are able to stamp out counter-cultural behaviour. We will never, however, be able to stamp out unfiltered stupid comments towards others from kids who are, for whatever reason, feeling bad about themselves. Remember, we are working with children, and we are trying to teach them impulse control, when perhaps this message isn’t reinforced at home.

My advice is based on how schools work. If everyone brings their whole selves to school (including teachers!), nothing gets done. Schools rely on children learning certain ways of operating that get them through the school day. School uniform exists, for example, to create a sense of belonging and to reduce opportunities for bullying.

If a child decides that they would like to operate outside the norm, even a tiny bit like OP’s DS, they can choose to ignore this absolute nonsense from certain other pupils and crack on, or they can cave and conform.

OP’s son has a choice: style it out knowing that teachers won’t be able to stamp
out every comment, or just blend in and there’s nothing to comment on. It depends on the child’s personality as to which they choose.

I simply would have refused to buy a boy this. What he’s going through is awful but predictable. That doesn’t mean school shouldn’t act, they should and if they carry on if out in a formal complaint and take it to governors if needed. But this is a massive parenting failure.

Sorry I agree, you need to do everything you can to help him blend in. Secondary school younger years are just not for self expression. And I hate to say this but it’s just true. He needs to comply with the unofficial uniform.
so sorry Op 😢

The parenting failure falls completely with the useless and lazy parenting of the bullies. Too many useless parents in the UK unfortunately and schools cannot reverse shit parenting.

Yeah. But all HE kids are a bit alternative so

The herd mentality exists outside school.

my (male) dc wanted to do ballet aged 4 so not yet even in school. He had lots of comments about how boys don’t do ballet, from kids in school and kids in pre school.

the teacher was happy to take him but she did warn me that the boys don’t last because there are just too many comments.

it’s not one child or a group of children bullying it’s literally everyone they come into contact with saying ballet is for girls.

For sure. But this is partly because we encourage DC to be themselves. Bit of a chicken and egg scenario i suppose because parents who choose to HE may be inherently alternative from the start.

It turns out that he does care though . I wouldn't have bought the pink bag for my son when was just starting senior school , it is obvious he would be made fun of . My Gs is similar and is gay , he's 18 now and is accepted for his style at uni but dressed fairly conventionally at school to avoid the bullying . Buy him the bag and let him cut his hair fgs . He can dress how he wants when not in school but he needs some direction from you or his school years will be miserable .

I think you mean parents could learn a lot.

This 💯

Yes but i can guarantee the kids in the ballet class would have been school kids, not HE kids

Yes, you need to do this - the school should be taking this a lot more seriously (I am a secondary school teacher). They need to be addressing this properly. They would fail an Ofsted inspection if they’re seen to be useless on bullying.

@Octavia64 Dc are of course ignorant. Hopefully you can get to see professional ballet with MEN!

I think the DS here will have to find his tribe. They will be the tolerant dc but they will be there. Unfortunately there will be intolerant dc too - in every tutor group. So I’d get him to try and fit in for the time being but no school can force friendships where they don’t naturally exist. I’d just try and get him to agree to go under the radar for a bit. See how it goes. If the school investigate bullying you can expect your DS to be a target again. They will all know who complained. I’d try the easier route first.

The class was a pre school class.

nobody in the class was at school. Some were at nursery, some were at pre school some didn’t go to any organised childcare.

High school is a jungle and anyone who is different will be singled out. Of course young people should be who they want to be but jn this instance he needs to blend in with the crowd. I dont think letting him have a pink bag has done him.any favours.
He will find his people eventually, but for now if he wants to survive he needs to blend in.
Sad but this is how it is and always has been.