Was my husband's mortgage comment a joke or genuinely hurtful?

Could the husband really manage it all on his own if OP hadn't done all the childcare for 4 kids? Don't underestimate how much career progression you can pack in if you never have to leave early to get to the nursery, or take time off when the kids are sick/school holidays etc!
And OP has lost out on her own career progression and earning potential to do this. It's a mistake to scupper one's own life chances, to further someone else's. I know this to my cost!

Anyway, I think if OP's friend had time to embark on an affair, she clearly wasn't that busy as a sahm and could have got a job. It's her fault the marriage is tanked and she shouldn't be refusing to sell the house. If I was her exh, I'd move back in and see how she likes that.

You sound like an awful friend.

I pay most of our bills in our house and wouldn’t ever dream of holding that over Dh but if he were going on about a friend in the same way that you did I probably would point it out. It wouldn’t be to be mean, it would be to tell him that he shouldn’t judge his friend.

to be fair yes probably just get an au pair .

@Venusunbrokenan au pair isn't going to do what a sahp does. They are hired to help out a bit, not to raise your kids and cover all childcare needs. A full time nanny would be a closer fit, but you'd need to seriously earn in order to pay for one and even then, they won't be available 24/7, even if they live in! OPs dh might be a high earner but few people are on that kind of level, where they can pay the salary and have a big enough house for that kind of help. He's had it much easier with a wife who was willing to work around the dc, than he would have had without her!

You asked if he could succeed in his career to rhe same level as he has if rhe op hadn’t been there and he was a full time single dad to 4 kids. The truth is yes, he could do.

however assuming she was still alive, he’d only have to do it 50 percent of the time,

I'm doubtful tbh. There are so many jobs where promotions go to those who can stay when the meeting overruns. Who can go away last minute. Who aren't constrained by childrens' schedules. If he could have had the same level of success, then I think his life wouldn't have been as easy, and would have required a lot of money and planning and additional stress.

Which is true but makes absolutely no difference in the position of a divorce it makes no difference so why is the op saying her friends wife doesn't deserve it? He was just pointing out she was wrong.

This is what I thought too ..

Why are you allowed to be upset but you can judge someone else for the same thing?

I don't think you are unreasonably upset. What stands out about your friend's situation isn't her lack of financial contribution, but the fact she initiated the divorce because she found someone new, yet she is stopping her STBX moving on.

You're financially contributing to the overall household expenditure proportionate to your income, what exact bills it goes to isn't material. You stepped back in your career to take on the lion's share of the childcare.

I can see why you're hurt by the remark.

You are dismissing SAHM and the contribution they make to supporting their partner to work, and you are being rude about your so-called-friend. Families all have different approaches to splitting the financial costs and childcare burden, and as long as its not abusive there is no wrong way. Your OH was right to pull you up on your comments.

Most high earning men can afford to pay for a nanny and boarding school when the kids are old enough. Not great, but doable.
It's interesting when mostly women come on here and say he stopped them earning yet they wouldn't afford the same lifestyle anyway as single mums.

Marriage is a compromise, yes you looked after the kids but he's paid for school fees, holidays, cars etc.
No point trying to point score.
That works both ways for stay at home dads too.

The men wouldn’t have the same lifestyle either because they’d be paying huge nanny and boarding school fees, as well as cleaners and cooks? Compared to getting it done for free by their wives? You know married men on average earn more because they have a personal chef/cleaner/nanny/therapist/pa/coach at home.

where did you do your maths gcse?

I would just have replied, yes, but you don’t pay X, Y and Z bills so we’re even. You sound far too sensitive.

A partnership whatever way it looks is equal. If it isn’t someone suffers, or leaves. I think your view is skewed because your friend is the one that has ended the marriage. Whatever their marriage and family looked like, worked for them. Her being a SAHM meant their children and family benefited as a whole having one parent at home all the time. Imagine doing all of the work a SAHM mum does and doesn’t get paid for? You worked and paid for childcare and did all the other things because that worked for you. As for her not accepting offers, it all depends on what the offers were. Were they ridiculous? I can’t imagine she would want to drag it out any longer than him?

She’s not? She just said it was a bit rich to block the house sale given that she wasn’t paying the mortgage and had already moved on with a new man.

Men can be very literal at times. What he said was the truth. He may or may not have said it to hurt you. Only you know him well
enough to say. But if I were you I’d ignore it.

Well I think he was wrong to suggest you didn’t financially contribute… BUT I think he’s right to point out that you’re being judgemental of your ‘friend’…

What is your problem?He was defending yiur friend and trying to be reasonable. He wasn't criticising yiu. You are making a niuntain out of a molehill. Reading too nuch inti a casual comment.

I think he was just being literal and didn't mean to hurt you. I'm sure he values you alot.

This.

But she has contributed in so many other ways which more than makes up for it. He hasn't had to pay for childcare.

The problem with gossipping is that it can reflect more on the gossipper than the gossippee. Especially if one party, AKA the OP's husband, is less invested in the gossip.
Et voilà.

Absolutely this!

Agree with posters what you said was unfair BUT ithas exposed your husband's thinkingand you need to rectify that now. As PP said a joint account where you both transfer in and the bills all come out of that one pot, including school uniforms, clubs, childcare, food. It's too easy to dismiss contributions which are not directly made to the mortgage when in fact you are contributing to household expenses. It is really easy to set up and if your husband is a decent man he won't have a problem with it.