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Original poster

Was my husband's mortgage comment a joke or genuinely hurtful?

221 replies

Somewhatblindsided · 23/09/2026 21:49

Hello. I will try and keep it short. I was talking (ok gossiping) with my husband about a friend who is in process of getting divorced. They are going to court as my friend is refusing to accept offers on the house and her husband wants to move on. I said that IMHO my friend was being a bit grabby, especially as the divorce was her idea (she met someone new) and she is effectively blocking the house sale when she hasn't contributed to paying the mortgage (she gave up work when her DD was born and never went back).

My husband started laughing and said "well you don't contribute to paying our mortgage either." I was a bit shocked as yes the mortgage payments come out of "his" account but I paid part of the deposit, pay various other bills and am now putting every spare penny into our pension for example. So we have separate bank accounts but shared finances. Or that's what I thought anyway!

He earns much more than I do as he has a high flying job while I moved into a lower-paid/public sector job after having kids so I could stay FT but do the school runs, holidays etc. You all know the story.

When I pointed that out that yes he pays the mortgage but I still contribute financially while also raising 4 kids, he just carried on saying that I'm not that different so should be more understanding. And anyway he was just joking as he knows how much I love working and I would never have wanted to give it up.

I am really hurt, both by his comment and by the fact that he continued to double-down on it when I challenged him. Just to be clear, I am absolutely not dismissing being a SAHM and despite what my husband is now saying I would have loved to be one myself when the kids were younger. It is more that I am now thinking perhaps I should have done that instead as it nearly finished me off doing the lions share of looking after 4 kids while working, but my husband seems to think I've been working for pocket money or something anyhow?!

I don't know what I'm asking really. I guess I just wanted to get a sense from others as whether my husband is right and I am overreacting to a light-hearted comment?!

OP posts:
Dayglojuice · 24/09/2026 06:45

Of course you contribute, op. I suspect your husband was pointing out that the issue isn’t whether someone literally pays the mortgage in the narrow sense but whether they make a contribution to the family, so you should maybe extend the same courtesy to your friend.

MaryBeardsShoes · 24/09/2026 06:46

We love to see women supporting women 🥴

OneNewLeader · 24/09/2026 06:48

Saying you don’t do something, isn’t dismissing all the things you do. He sounds like he was broadly sympathetic to the woman and you were less so, he then pointed out a material fact.

realdeal7393 · 24/09/2026 06:49

He’s right. You are mean to your friend.

Weekmindedfool · 24/09/2026 06:53

Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it OP.

Weekmindedfool · 24/09/2026 06:55

GreyCarpet · 24/09/2026 06:00

I agree with this

It's the OP who doesn't see the value of raising children and being a SAHM otherwise she wouldn't have an issue with her 'grabby' friend given that she doesn't contribute to the mortgage.

Invoice him for years of childcare you have provided..see who's account looks the healthiest then

It's the OP isn't interested in the value of the contribution her friend has made to the marriage only that she doesn't contribute to the mortgage. Her husband was pointing out that, if they're going to reduce everything to simply who contributes to what, she doesn’t contribute to their mortgage either.

The OP has interpreted that as him reducing her various contributions to nothing because that's what she thinks about her friend. Not what her husband thinks about her.

Edited
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This

UsernameHoarder · 24/09/2026 06:55

Oh, I would be furious. That's not funny at all.

And I would insist that finances are rearranged. Either a joint account where you both transfer in and the bills all come out of that one pot. Or insist that he pays a bill (or bills) that equal half of the mortgage and you pay half of the mortgage.

And then he can see that there is no change to how much each of you are paying out but that the mortgage is definitely split equally in the outgoings.

Toodarktooearly · 24/09/2026 06:56

Send him an itemised bill for half of everything you pay for and inc a sum for childcare and all the 'wife work' for September Before you give it to him transfer half the mortgage payment to his account. Tell him moving forward you wish to settle up each month as the way you've previously used has clearly given him the wrong impression.

Lugol · 24/09/2026 06:56

Your friend has contributed to the household by quitting her job to bring up their child.
That is her contribution and although not monetary she has facilitated her husband in his career by sacrificing her own to bring up their child.

It's a disgrace that you as her 'friend' think she is being grabby because her contribution isn't financial and therefore she shouldn't be entitled to half the proceeds of the house sale.

Some friend you are OP.

Soontobe60 · 24/09/2026 06:57

Mudflaps · 23/09/2026 23:03

The op has four children not me. I have one sadly due to my health issues I was unable to have any more, thank you for the reminder and kindness

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To be fair, your post did sound like it was you who had 4 children despite not being able to work due to ill health.

Pancakeorcrepe · 24/09/2026 06:57

pinkyredrose · 23/09/2026 22:52

He's got a point. Or is your situation more understandable because you've got 4 kids n she's got 1?

Exactly. You sound like you were being a bitch about your friend. He rightly pointed out that your situations are more similar than you think. You seem to make up your own rules as to what you think is acceptable or not. You don’t know the sacrifices your friend made. No one leaves a good marriage. But even about the reasons for the divorce you seem to be judgemental. You’re not a friend to her.

Soontobe60 · 24/09/2026 06:58

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/09/2026 04:24

Yes, do this. Find out what the going rate is for childminding in your area. With 4 kids, it’s going to be a decent hourly rate.

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Maybe her ‘friend’ could do the same with her husband eh?

SweatySpider321 · 24/09/2026 07:00

This is why l won’t take a step back with my career and prioritise my husbands. Too often it gets thrown back in women’s faces. He was out of order and in your shoes l would be doing some re-assessing

Happytaytos · 24/09/2026 07:14

BeanThereDoneIt · 24/09/2026 06:27

100% this. You’ve missed his point entirely! He’s not saying you don’t contribute, he’s pointing out that contributions go beyond ‘paying the mortgage’ and you’re being unreasonable to view your friend as grabby.

I actually see his comments as a huge green flag - he seems to value women’s often invisible contributions to the family more than you do.

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Agree

ThreadGuardDog · 24/09/2026 07:18

Heyhoherewego23 · 23/09/2026 22:49

You can take care of four children but are medically retired? Unusual.

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For medical retirement with a pension the ability to continue working would have been assessed, not the ability to look after children. HTH.

Rosieposy89 · 24/09/2026 07:19

You don't sound a nice friend

ThreadGuardDog · 24/09/2026 07:20

Soontobe60 · 24/09/2026 06:57

To be fair, your post did sound like it was you who had 4 children despite not being able to work due to ill health.

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And again, one has no bearing on the other. It was a very unkind comment.

13RidgmontRoad · 24/09/2026 07:25

Yeah, this was my husband's attitude too.

The divorce should be finalised in the next couple of weeks.

GreyCarpet · 24/09/2026 07:28

Heyhoherewego23 · 23/09/2026 22:49

You can take care of four children but are medically retired? Unusual.

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I went to university with a woman who was medically retired from her previous profession and who retrained in a different profession and then went on to be approved to adopt a child as a single parent.

The two are not related.

JLou08 · 24/09/2026 07:32

He pointed out you were being nasty and hypercritical about your friend by making a fair comparison. You deserved it.

Original poster
Somewhatblindsided · 24/09/2026 07:32

Wow, lots of responses. Thank you very much for taking the time to share your thoughts!

OP posts:
Gengha · 24/09/2026 07:34

To be honest I’m not sure it was any worse than what you were saying about your friend. Don’t get me wrong I’d probably be unimpressed at her cheating, but it sounds like you were dismissive about her not paying the mortgage because she was a SAHM and contributing to the family that way.

Llamallamafruitpyjama · 24/09/2026 07:38

I’m a SAHM and I think he’s been an absolute dick to you OP. Of course you’re paying for the house when you’re covering half the bloody bills! And if you didn’t change your job he would have had to and wouldn’t be earning as much so he can shut his pie hole. Maybe he needs to start doing significantly more for the kids if he wants to be a bastard and play the 50:50 game. Actually work out what that would look like, I’d put money on you paying more in bills!!

Whattodo2024 · 24/09/2026 07:39

Get a joint bills account, both pay into it, all bills get paid out of there so you are both paying for everything

Llamallamafruitpyjama · 24/09/2026 07:39

Gengha · 24/09/2026 07:34

To be honest I’m not sure it was any worse than what you were saying about your friend. Don’t get me wrong I’d probably be unimpressed at her cheating, but it sounds like you were dismissive about her not paying the mortgage because she was a SAHM and contributing to the family that way.

It was shitty of OP. But as SAHM we often get shitty comments from our working friends. I’d never dream of saying anything about them working but it’s considered fair game to say comments like we don’t contribute to the household etc.
OP of course your friend is entitled to half the family home! It’s bitchy of you tbh.