Was my husband's mortgage comment a joke or genuinely hurtful?

Your husband called you out on your hypocrisy towards your so-called friend. She friend also contributed in her own way.

This is fascinating in it's contrast to a thread very recently stacked with people arguing that the OP was greedy and grabby for wanting 50% of the assets after a 40 year marriage where she had not worked. I entirely agree that all assets should be split fairly. That is not what OP said her friend was being grabby about.

OP's friend is being a bit short sighted if she is refusing offers on the house in a slow market because she wants a bit more for her onward move. By the time it had gone to court and she is forced to accept an offer, it is likely she will end up with even less than as things stand today. On this specific point, I agree with OP that her friend is not thinking it through.

That should never have been linked to her not working, not paying blah blah blah. But, at least it gave OP's husband the chance to make clear that he understands that non-financial contributions in a marriage are equal in their importance to financial ones.

This in a nutshell.

He was just pointing out that you were being a hypocrite.

Why shouldn’t the OP be a bitch about her friend who cheated on her husband, blew up her marriage and her children’s lives, and now wants it all her way? Or are SAHMs who have affairs suddenly saints?

I think you took a piece of your own medicine- good on your dh!

Yes, I think he was responding to the dig at your friend.

He's not wrong though, is he? You and your friend are in the same position - he was pointing out your blatant hypocrisy and instead of reflecting on this, you have the nerve to be offended. Talk about tone deaf.

"he just carried on saying that I'm not that different so should be more understanding."

I think this is the key point. You were dismissive of your friend and when the tables were turned on you, you didn't like it. If I were you I'd admit I had my judgey pants on and that people in glass houses etc. to him and then I'd have a serious talk with him about how you both view your partnership, roles and contributions irrespective of what is going on in other people's lives. If you're not satisfied with the outcome of that conversation, then it's time to make changes.

Quite. I'm in a similar position. DP never wanted joint finances- he pays the mortgage. I pay electric, water, life insurance, tv licence etc. Plus I kept working while raising DCs, and I was the one who took time off unpaid for dc illness, holidays, and had reduced hours to do school runs etc. My contribution to the home snd family life is equal to his, although not the same.
And yes, he does try to turn the heating down, but I just turn it back up again!

No she’s not. Friend is SAHM, OP works FT

Your DH needs his arse handed to him OP.

The way you have divided up finances has left you open to this, I don’t know why couples do this.

Rather than paying for different sections, it’s better to spreadsheet everything, have a joint account for bills/mortgage and divide everything proportionate to income.

If he ever whines about the mortgage again, suggest that he is welcome to take a lower paid job that facilitates covering childcare.

Surely when you get married it is a partnership where everything is 50-50 regardless of who earns what.Most women stay at home to look after their children otherwise you would be working for nothing having to pay childcare.I can never understand why it's turned into a competition over who paid whatever.

I don’t really understand his point. He’s defending the wife’s actions so he thinks the wife is right to block the sale? Well at least you know that you can do the same with his blessing, if you ever dump him for another man.

You both appear to have the same views on marriage and women, the only difference is he used them against you.

All finances in a marriage are legally jointly owned, it is not "grabby" to believe so. You & your husband are as bad as each other and ignorant of why legal protections for married women evolved.

I’d be upset with him as he made the comment and then tried to backtrack .
You have 4 kids ? That in itself is a lot of work ! plus you work out of the home !
I won’t go into my own personal circumstances but I do think if you only have one child and that child isn’t SEN or disabled then it seems lazy to be a SAHM once that child is past the early school years

I think your husband was absolutely right to say what he said. It's not a threat. It's just that he was pointing out the hypocrisy of your bitching about this other woman being "grabby". She's looking out for herself and her future. She didn't make the financial contributions because she was contributing to the family, to the marriage, to the household with unpaid labour.

I think your husband was showing how financially vulnerable that can make often the woman in a divorce so any push back isn't about being selfish and wanting to get more than she deserves.

Yes you pay into your household bills and mortgage and you work but if you were to divorce and want half, how would you feel if he turned around and said no, I paid more so I keep more.

I don't see how you can't see that you were the one who wasn't being very understanding. Your husband's comments weren't some random conversation, it was to prompt you to shift your way of thinking about someone else.

I think he was pointing out you were being bitchy about your friend.

Sit down with a pen and paper.

From now on, both of your salaries paid into a joint account, and ALL of your bills and household expenses paid out of that account, including anything relating to the children. Including private pension payments for both of you, insurance policies, anything like that.
You both get an "allowance" of money paid back out of the joint account and into your own personal current accounts for anything you want to do for fun. Whether it's £100 a month each, or £1000 a month each, whatever you can afford.
If he argues and says it's not fair because he earns more, you say "OK, well I'm going to apply for a promotion then, and from now on you can do fully half of all the school runs, holidays, sick days etc. Actually, no, you owe me 7(say) years of that so I can build my career back up to the level you've built yours to, so you'll be doing ALL of those for the next 7 years."

'Just being jokey'. 'Can't you take a joke?' 'I was just joking!' 'Grow up, it's just a joke!'
So much spite justified by these comments.

He is only saying about you, what you have said about your “friend”.

You need to do better. I’d have said the same thing in his position. You sound like a bitch. I wouldn’t want you as my friend.

That would really annoy me. Switch it so you both pay proportionally into an account that pays mortgage, bills and food. Then you are paying the mortgage.

Also you say you pay into OUR pension. How does that work? Joint pensions don’t exist. Do you mean to pay into your own pension? Or do you have some sort of annuity product?

How is the OP in the same situation as the friend? I can't see any similarities.
The OP has four children. The friend has only one.
The OP has always worked and managed the bulk of the childcare. The friend has never worked.
The OP has not cheated on her husband. The friend has had an affair and now wants a divorce.
The OP has always contributed to household expenses. The friend has never done this and is also being greedy and blocking her husband, who clearly wishes to move on, from selling their home.
What similarities are you referring to or are you just trying to stick the knife in?

The specific details of the friend's circumstances aren't important though in the context of why she posted.

I'm surprised by the all the harsh and critical posts directed at the OP.

Her 'friend' sounds awful, has behaved badly and continues to behave badly.
It was in this context that @Somewhatblindsided made her comments.
The friend had an affair, wants a divorce and is then blocking the sale of the house (in a falling market) and forcing her husband to go to court to reduce the price, preventing from moving on and getting on with his life. It is relevant, given all this, that the friend hasn't worked or paid anything towards the mortgage. It makes her behaviour even worse.
The OP's husband was completely wrong to compare her to this friend. She has always worked and done the bulk of raising their four children. She has more than contributed to their marriage in an equal way, perhaps doing more than the husband. That can't be said for the friend.

FFS 🙄

He wasn't whining about the mortgage.

Do people really not understand the words that are written?

Even if people disagree on the husband's intention, surely no one thinks the OP posted because her husband was whining about the mortgage??