Was my husband's mortgage comment a joke or genuinely hurtful?

He’s been very unfair but I do always wonder why people don’t have their mortgages paid from a joint account to avoid such disputes

Yes, do this. Find out what the going rate is for childminding in your area. With 4 kids, it’s going to be a decent hourly rate.

Not hurtful but illuminating. He’s shown you what he believes about your set up. Time to start paying him for exactly half of the mortgage and reduce the pension contributions to allow for this. Go through the finances monthly to show him where the money is going.

You could ask him where he contributed to the birth of his four kids but men rarely appreciate that. I think the majority of women would love to stay home during their kids small ages, but most men show time and time again that that’s a dangerous path and not to be trusted.

Your husband didn’t say he has a problem with it, he just pointed out a fact based on you calling someone else greedy.

I don't agree with your DH's comment at all, but then I also don't agree with what you were saying about your friend, and for the same reasons. In both cases you/he were undervaluing the work done relating to the house/kids as opposed to paid work. So I can see why you're upset by his comment, but I can also see why he thought you were being hypocritical.

You were judging your friend when you are in the same position. You are married so its a joint asset.

This

Some people are responding like he just came out with this, when he was doing it to point out your hypocrisy. You and your friend both don’t pay the mortgage but you think you’re more worthy of half because you work and pay for some things. I don’t get all these points about showing him the value of childcare when OP has the issue with SAHMs.

How did you manage full time work and 4 dc eg school runs?!

show did you juggle 4dc and work before they started school?

I would never ever suggest another woman should get less in a divorce…. Lets not tempt fate.

But if you didn't pay the mortgage, he isn't wrong is he, you probably were working for pocket money if he was the bread winner and the mortgage came out of his account, the mortgage is usually the biggest outgoing in most households. You are saying your friend shouldn't be so grabby on divorce as she "didn't pay in" I imagine if you split from your husband you'd be after 50% at least when you haven't contributed half to your property or savings. So you are criticising someone else, when you'd be in the same position if you ever divorced.

I agree with this

It's the OP who doesn't see the value of raising children and being a SAHM otherwise she wouldn't have an issue with her 'grabby' friend given that she doesn't contribute to the mortgage.

Invoice him for years of childcare you have provided..see who's account looks the healthiest then

It's the OP isn't interested in the value of the contribution her friend has made to the marriage only that she doesn't contribute to the mortgage. Her husband was pointing out that, if they're going to reduce everything to simply who contributes to what, she doesn’t contribute to their mortgage either.

The OP has interpreted that as him reducing her various contributions to nothing because that's what she thinks about her friend. Not what her husband thinks about her.

Was my husband's mortgage comment a joke or genuinely hurtful?

You were one half of the conversation, surely you could tell by tone, delivery and facial expression whether it was a joke or meant to be hurtful.

Words portray only a small part of the full picture. According to the University of Texas, communication is ‘55% through body language, 38% through tone of voice, and only 7% through spoken words.’. Hence why internet forums are probably a dangerous place!

I bet if your friend was to explain why she doesn’t pay the mortgage the explanation would sound the same as yours.

all your DH was pointing out is that you’re in a similar position to the friend you’re gossiping about

I would say to him that you ‘were disappointed by his comment as you had always viewed you both as a team. Yes he earns more financially but you also contribute to the bills and to his pension. Where does he think his career would be iif he had had to do half the school runs, half of the caring for kids when they were sick, half the holidays etc. You supported his career and for him to act like that has less value is hurtful. ‘
if he tries to dismiss what you are saying or tell you you are over reacting say ‘that’s what’s so disappointing the fact that you don’t get it. ‘ If he pushes back say ‘there’s no point in continuing the conversation , you view our marriage differently to me and that’s hurtful’ and say that you ‘are going to need some space to process this and decide what you want to do next if anything’
Dont leet him off the hook he’s dismissed your value in your marriage that is not a small thing.

Just to be clear, I am absolutely not dismissing being a SAHM

You are.

You are saying that her work doesn't count but yours does. His comment was horrible but it's the same thing that you said about her. I suspect that that is the point that he was trying to make.

The thing with living together, married or not, a general agreement about finances seems perfectly fine until this kind of thing crops up. My experience tells me a spreadsheet avoids all kinds of issues. It might seem officious and odds with the trust we expect in a relationship, but the time it takes saves hours of angst later.

I also think it’s important for both people to have a clear understanding of their joint finances and financial products. And for married couples, I think that should include personal £ too. Why would there be any need for secrecy?

OP, as your DH seems to see the way you each make payments for your household expenses means you aren’t contributing to the mortgage, I suggest you create a spreadsheet which will show how you each contribute to everything (perhaps in proportion to your incomes).

If he can’t get his head round your payments being equivalent to his mortgage payment and that you are therefore paying your share of the mortgage, maybe you need to both pay into a joint account that is used for all household expenses.

He was pointing out that you were being judgmental and that people contribute in different ways. You have no idea what set ups people have in marriages and what ways they contribute. You did kind of walk into that one.

100% this. You’ve missed his point entirely! He’s not saying you don’t contribute, he’s pointing out that contributions go beyond ‘paying the mortgage’ and you’re being unreasonable to view your friend as grabby.

I actually see his comments as a huge green flag - he seems to value women’s often invisible contributions to the family more than you do.

Change the system to a fully joint account then. Both pay in a proportion of salary and all bills come out from there?

This, why would you think your friend isn't entitled to her share of the house just because she was a SAHM. That was clearly the decision the couple made. I'm sure she looked after the upkeep of the house during those years, she may well have contributed heavily to the deposit and contributed once back working.

It sounds to me your husband just made a point in how is your situation different, he pays the mortgage.as in pointing out that this is a normal dynamic in a relationship. Outgoings get paid, doesn't matter by who, as it's working on a team.
You then went o. To question him so he said it again. That wasn't him doubling done, that was him responding factually for the first comment, and for the second comment responding to your questions

Agree.
Also sounds like he doesn't much fancy being other people's business.

You were bitching about your friend who doesn't pay the mortgage and upset he said but YOU don't pay the mortgage?

I think it's good he thought you were being silly, if she contributed childcare and in other ways then she is entitled to it, just as you are.

It would have been much more worrying if he joined in with your judgement of her.

Well he's not wrong is he?