Literally no one understands my reluctance to do personal care

This is a specific thread regarding people who feel this way though. People that might have felt there’s nowhere else to admit it. There are some posters commenting who have found their lives taken over by having to do it anyway and may be getting some solace and support here after feeling quite alone.

There’s a whole world out there of people who don’t feel this way, but it’s not wrong that some people do.

Interesting that you’re saying she should feel compassion when your post is spectacularly lacking in it.

I’ve made several posts on this thread acknowledging the hardships and anguish the OP shares with many, many people. I have also posted some views different to OP, which, while supporting her right to make her own decisions, I believe are equally valid,

It is not lacking compassion. Specifically for the 92 year old mother. No one wants to end up wiping their mums arse. But I stand by my point that it isn’t about what OP likes or dislikes at this point, no matter how embarrassing or disgusting she finds it. It should be a compromise between the mother’s needs and OP’s.

Well said.

This thread is going to get algorithmically linked with that 'One Shitty Job Until Christmas' thread, isn't it...

I have no advice @bringincrazyback but I just wanted to send understanding and a hug. x

Incidently, when my MIL was getting frail she and some other family members expected my DH to step up and give some personal care. I fought his corner for him over this, as he didn’t want to as it didn’t feel right for him.

I refuse to do it either unless an emergency and even then I just make my mum get straight in the shower, i cant do all the wiping and stuff I just cant do it i would be physically sick. My mums carers are great though she lives in an extra care housing scheme a bit like sheltered housing but only has 3 care calls per day.

Completely agree. The other thing is would your DM want their child doing personal care for them? Many absolutely would not and for some it would be another layer of indignity.

I loved my mum, and I did occasional personal care when it became necessary, just like the OP, including a patch where she wouldn’t shower for anyone else. I don’t think it particularly upset her by then. But no, I didn’t do it regularly or for a long time, and I don’t feel any sense of guilt about that. I can thank my mum for all the pragmatic attitudes she passed on to me.

Like others I can imagine doing this for my partner - it was when I could imagine being his carer if necessary that I knew I would marry him. Having said that, I won’t do it 24/7 on my own - I have a cousin who is still deeply affected by nursing her husband at home until his death over a decade ago. But parents are a bit different. As for snobbery etc, bloody hell. Is it so terrible that as a society we make a profession of caring? I don’t think it’s terrible. There were paid people involved in my son’s education and in nursing my mum when she first got ill and was in hospital. Apparently that was fine, unlike some other countries we aren’t expected to do nursing care for family members in hospital, partly because of culture and partly because it’s a profession, and we aren’t expected to teach our children everything.

I wondered if I’d been too harsh, so read your post again. But, no.

My mother is 87, has mobility issues and my sister and I work FT. she has a daily carer. On the rare occasion that I've been there when they have I've never been asked to provide personal care. That is a boundary I just cant' cross. I couldn't do it so I understand OP.

I never did this for my mother although when she did go into a care home, she still had continence.
Up til that point, I merely had to keep an eye on her daily wash/shower, tooth brushing & wash her hair for her & she hated me doing even that. That was as far as I was willing to take it.
She used to get so angry with the carers in the home during personal care. Even with dementia, she still found it humiliating although it was all soon forgotten with a cuppa & biccie afterwards. She was taller & stronger than me. I would not have been able to do this on my own.

YANBU. The carers are paid to provide personal care and should not be expecting you to do their job for them. Maybe they do judge you, we can’t control the thoughts of others, but I would definitely be judging THEM if they expected someone else to do their job for them. Have confidence in laying out your expectations from them.

Haven't read any comments.

Sometimes, when someone is taking on full time care for someone with these kinds of complex needs and they say this, I can think it is a little unrealistic just because there are typically such big gaps between carer visits.

So.my.face might say "it's a shame you feel that way because you're going to be doing it quite often". But you don't want to say that because why would you make the situation tougher for them?

I think carers should get paid way more because of the nature of their work. Wiping adults bottoms is disgusting and would make me throw up. I would rather die than letting someone wipe me so I'm not hypocritical. I think that when you get to that stage there is no dignity left.

This isn't AIBU. It's is the Elderly Parents board where posters come for support and understanding, not judgement and condescension.

You are being ridiculous anyway. Dealing with baby poo is completely different from dealing with poo from an incontinent adult. How is that snobbery? The disgust mechanism around poo is a major evolutionary advantage because it acts as a behavioral immune system that protects humans from dangerous pathogens and parasites. You were obviously fine with providing this intimate care for family members. Most people are not and they shouldn't be forced to do it or made to feel guilty if they don't.

I also don't understand the elderly parents who have capacity that insist on their adult children providing such intimate care when it's obvious that their children really don't want to do this.

I could do it, I think. My parents would absolutely hate for me to have to though. I don't think it should ever be assumed!

I feel your pain OP. My mum is only able to poo on the commode and won’t have carers so I have to help her every day.

I asked her if she honestly expected me to do this everyday for the rest of her life and wasn’t with silence. 😫

I will be getting Carers as it’s not sustainable.

My mother is one of the most proud and dignified people I know. She is bed bound, and has lost the use of a lot of her abilities.
she is the best strongest person I know and has more dignity and beauty in the tip of her little finger than someone that would make such an ignorant comment.
my dad refuses carers because we were assigned some but found that her body doesn’t run to a carers schedule and none of us would leave her waiting if she needed to be changed.
Sonetimes life is hard, I’m sure she’d rather still be able to walk and do it all herself but she cannot and that’s that. She is given the dignity of not being left in a mess and dealt with by strangers, the bare minimum she deserves is our love and care.
‘No dignity’

There are people that have valid reasons not to want to do these things, but nobody should be thinking the person needing help is lacking dignity ffs.
Im obviously referring to decent parents, not those that do not deserve care.

It's totally understandable. I had to do some for my husband when carers often didn't arrive until 11am and I felt I had no choice. It wasn't good for either of us.

@bringincrazyback I agree with you. My mother's 90. She's still living independently with step but has a number of health conditions now.

She and I have agreed that I will not do personal care because neither of us would want it.

An important point that's been missed on this thread is that your mother lives with you. That's awesome and I take my hat off to you.

What a load of sanctimonious yet deeply unpleasant claptrap! It's such a lazy argument to compare changing a baby's nappy (a baby that its parents chose to have) with providing intimate care for an elderly parent.

Most decent parents of adult children would not want their children to wipe their bums. I think that it's more dignified for qualified and paid carers to provide intimate care.

I would not do it unless we could not have/afford carers. Years before my mom was unwell, I made it clear that no way would I be doing her cleaning so there was no way I would be doing personal care. In my mind I wanted to remain the daughter, not be a carer. You don't have to explain. If they have been hired to do personal care, then it's personal care they should do.

When my father was dying of Parkinsons he had carers 4 times a day. They did absolutely all his personal care to take the load off my mum who was exhausted. It was never,ever expected that anyone in the family would take on any of that. What are they being paid for if not that ?
We had plans in place in case anything happened to my mum health wise whilst my dad was so ill. The social worker we had said that it would never be expected or appropriate for the offspring of a person to be washing private areas or wiping bums. Her comment was ' We do that, you provide the love/ chat/ cups of tea and protection. We do personal care'