Literally no one understands my reluctance to do personal care

With that poster, it's a case of "those who know the least, act like they know the most".

That’s exactly it, thank you.

Agree. I think any kind of dementia is so hard. I watched my mum disappear right in front of me. Everything that she was had pretty much gone by the time she actually passed away. There were the odd flashes of my old mum but I’ll admit as she deteriorated they used to distress me because I couldn’t bear the thought of her being trapped in her body and aware of what was happening to her - thankfully the lucid periods were fleeting. I thought I’d done most of my grieving throughout her illness but it hit me like a brick when it finally happened. Six months down the line I can finally come to terms with the fact that her passing was the best thing for her. Anyone who has a loved one with this awful disease has my heartfelt sympathy.

Based on what you’ve posted and the number of deletions I think we actually know you very well.

Totally agree, it is comforting to know that others are going through similar experiences and understand. I think it's something you can't fully understand unless you have actually been through it with your own parents or close relatives, but people who haven't had this experience can be either supportive or, sadly, judgemental.

Just ignore her. She clearly thinks she’s very clever, but her comments are witless.

WTAF! Who do you think you are to speak to OP like that and order her off her own thread? Your image of yourself as a compassionate saint is totally at odds with the reality if your many posts on this thread are anything to go by.

You owe OP an apology but I doubt that you have the awareness and the basic decency to do that.

I've been holding guilt about not being prepared to carry out personal care for my elderly parents who are no longer alive, if called upon at the time, for a couple of decades. Maybe it's simply a taboo for many of us. What a relief to hear I'm not a freak!

You have my sympathy. My mother is reasonably compos mentis but doesn’t like wearing pants. She had accidents from her rear end but doesn’t seem to notice. I make sure I always have shoes on indoors as I never know what my be lurking on the floor somewhere.

We are lucky with our carers they go above and beyond. Apart from a select few we've been very lucky and they now feel part of our family almost. My mother is disabled now (for a reason nobody can find) so she cant look after my dad and he can't look after her. Doubly whammy. It's so hard with dementia, like a living grief.

Agree. We found this with mum. The morning carers got nowhere with her - not that they tried very hard, but later visits tended to be a bit more successful.

Again this resonates OP. Mum was the same - and as the condition progressed there was a noticeable aversion to soap and water. Her dementia specialist nurse advised that some dementia sufferers can’t tolerate the feel of water on the skin - hairwashing for example, can be intolerable. The LA carers used it as a reason not to force her - they stated that if she had capacity they couldn’t insist. When I pointed out that in fact she didn’t have capacity they were less than pleased but it did improve the personal hygiene side of things once I’d made my point to the care agency providing the support. I have a disabled wet room with level access shower which was literally five steps from mum’s bedroom, so they really didn’t have a leg to stand on - not least because the private carer used to coax her gently into the shower and was a lot kinder once she was there !!

As far as anti depressants go you need to be really careful. Dementia is caused by underlying disease to the brain and many anti-depressants have the opposite effect to what they’re designed to do. I know this from horrible personal experience with mum. Ask about Mirtazipine. Unlike SSRI’s it can be given in small to moderate doses on an as and when needed basis, rather than at regular intervals, and it aids with sleep too.

Do you have power of attorney? You could talk to her GP about antidepressants?

It's true they lose their inhibitions. I don't know what stage you mum is at but my dad refuses to be washed in the morning. Most of our carers are the same ones that have been coming for 3 years now and are amazing and know my dad well. We find that my dad is easier to wash and agree to personal care later in the day. Most mornings it's just a no! One carer in particular will shower and shave him at the dinner time visit as he's quite happy then.

I agree. Would do personal care for my partner but definitely not for my mother.

@bringincrazybacksadly I don’t think it’s a generational thing, more of a dementia related issue. My pre dementia DM would have been horrified by what she expects of me, but the current one just sees me as human fixer.

Thankfully both DPs now in a care home near me and I never lived with them. She had carers through the council because we’re in Scotland and at one point one of them was muttering loudly about why DF (frail, 92 with dementia himself) wasn’t helping DM with her toileting, so I think some carers just very unhappy with the job - which I couldn’t do to be fair- and venting their frustration on those that they see as being more prosperous than they are.

I could literally do anyone else’s personal care in preference to my DPs, the whole thought of it repulses me, it’s such a strong sentiment and one I am not proud of.

Mil used to ask dh to leave the room when she got dressed for bed - and there wasn’t even a glimpse of briefs. He told me she recently berated him for not staying in the bathroom to help her and when he said he didn’t feel comfortable she said well you did it for your kids!

My parents have carers. 100 percent agree with you on the personal care. Before we had carers in place i did do some personal care for them but i was not comfortable. Luckily my dad has Alzheimer's or he would have been absolutely mortified that i had to help him in the shower. I will do lots for them like shopping, cooking, cleaning.. but personal care is for their carers.

Totally reasonable, OP. I had to do personal care for DM for a time and I really hated it & found it super stressful. I never want my DC to do this for me. And I agree that people never expect men to do this.