Literally no one understands my reluctance to do personal care

I totally get what you are saying, OP.

My parents had paid carers three or four times a day for the last few years of both of their lives and personal care was part of their job.. My sister and I did not get involved in it - only in the odd real emergency when the carers were not due for another few hours. We wouldn't have wanted to have been involved, it's just not the image either of us would want to have of our parents. Nor do either of us want our own children to be involved in our own personal care if that need ever arises.

My parents would have been utterly mortified at the idea of us regularly cleaning up their shit and wiping their arses. Just no. It's the type of thing they were paying for the carers to do, and so are you, OP. So your mother's carers have no business making snide comments about you and implying criticism like that.

I think you should complain to the care company managers about this. It's totally unprofessional of them and isn't their place to comment at all.

Not wanting to be involved in the personal care of a parent or other very close family member isn't snobbery. Not at all. Also, it doesn't compare even remotely to changing a baby's nappy. The dickhead who drew that comparison is clearly clueless and has never even tried to clean a grown adult after a toileting accident. Though of course, if they come back again they are now likely to try and tell us how they did it regularly and how it was absolutely no problem at all.

It’s only the end of the conversation if you let it be. I’ve made it very clear I’m not doing personal care for MIL if it comes to it. I did help my DGM get out of the bath once and we both laughed about it, but I’m not wiping my MIL’s bottom.

All families are different. Do it out of love? I don't love either of my parents. i don't even like them.

A colleague sometimes jokes about the personal care she (gladly) did for her parents, and apparently found nothing odd or off-putting about handling her elderly father's penis. But she adored them.

She really struggles to understand my perspective when I explained that once, in that split second when you have to make an instant decision in a crisis, I chose to fall down a brutal set of tiled stairs while already in a full leg cast rather than let my father grab my arm to stop me from falling. I chose serious physical injury (on top of existing serious physical injury) rather than accept minimal physical contact. That's the relationship we have.

My parents actually live with me, but we built them their own apartment at the side of the house. It's a big place and you probably wouldn't believe how easy it is to ostensibly live in the same house as someone but manage not to see them at all for weeks at a time. Obviously I have to see him occasionally but I try to avoid being within six feet of him at all times.

I will not be doing any personal care, even in an emergency. I don't quite know how we'll get round this yet but they know and accept that carers will be involved. I feel no guilt about that whatsoever.

They may have raised me but it was a fucking awful experience. I realise it's not acceptable to say that you're lucky yours died when you were young but I do envy that as I wish for their end every day. Not something it's possible to say to most people in real life. A significant private fear I have is how, in public at least, I'm going to have to pretend to feel some kind of grief when they do die, simply because society doesn't accept the opposite. That's going to feel like a huge and uncomfortable pressure but I simply don't feel able to expose my true feelings around most people. It will be far too awkward and uncomfortable for everyone. However I'm worried the mask will slip and that can only lead to conflict and drama, which I really don't want. I'm not interested in sharing these details of my relationship with them to people who've known us all for years, and around whom I've spent my whole life masking like fucking Batman so no-one has to feel uncomfortable. I have no interest in having to justify my position to people because it's far too long and complex a history.

When you haven't been in this position it will be impossible to understand but for some of us, unfortunately that's how it is.

I’ve told my parents I won’t do that for them, even if my siblings do.
it’s not for me. I don’t want to and I won’t be pressured into it.

if they were terminally ill I would be at their bedside but day to day? No chance.

With respect {mention:idreamof}manderle@idreamomanderle
You can override... By refusing to do it... It's not pleasant... But it's what I had to do, otherwise my dad would have driven me into ground further... I ended up living with him... But insisted he pay for carers to help him with intimate care

To me, it's tantamount to having a builder /decorator come around and saying... What you actually want me to build /paint those walls... Aren't you doing it??

It's one of those examples of utter sexism. Men wouldn't be asked this...

In the case of some things, the carerers are not allowed to do it. Toenail clipping is one. They consider it a liability issue in case the person gets a foot infection. Shaving a man, also, I believe. However, some salons will agree to come do shampoos and hair care on site. Maybe check around for
a business that will do the same.

@IamtheDevilsAvocado Exactly, why do they think they've been employed by the OP?!

My best friend of over 40 years ended up in the hospital. I visited her often and sometimes stayed overnight so her husband could get a rest. At one point she needed someone to wipe her butt and the staff was not available. She asked if I was okay to do it. Yes, I was, and did. The nursing staff asked if I was her sister. She said, “No, but yes.” I would do it again if she needed it. Her husband too, who is also my dear friend. It’s not ABOUT my comfort. It’s about taking care of people I love when they need it.

I could not be more saddened and disappointed than I am by the selfish, heartless people posting on this site. Just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it isn’t worth while. You should be ashamed.

“Pay professionals” what an exceedingly privileged statement. A whole lot of people simply can’t afford that.

Dignity is a luxury of healthy people.

And yet they do it anyway, because it’s the right thing to do.

I don’t think the OP is the one not showing empathy

Some people could do this, some people could not do this.

If the worst came to the worst then of course I’d do it, but I’d prefer not to do it.

This sort of perspective keeps women in a one down position...

Just do the patriarchys job for them..

But then the state will help if care is deemed necessary.

You were clever with the medical students - when they are in attendance, less of a chance of a medical cock-up and usually it is consultant-lead, so clever you!

This was YOUR choice... And a friend/partner is completely different for caring for a parent.

Pish. It sucks. It totally, absolutely, chronically does. No one denies that. I have tonnes of empathy for that. Nevertheless, she is being incredibly self centered and unwilling to compromise in any way because of her own discomfort. I am not unsympathetic, but I am not backing down. I can appreciate her feelings without endorsing her behaviour.

After reading these posts, I’d be shocked if a relative did anything beyond the barest minimum.

Havent read the thread apart from your OP but totally with you. I do not do personal care for adults, including my family. About to hit a situation where this might be expected. My boundary will need to be as strong as yours. PS I have met some fabulous people in hospital this week who do personal care as part of their job. They are totally professional, but have a tone that my mother will not accept from me.

I suppose it's like a lot of things in life, where you don't do it because you want to, rather that the alternative prospect is worse.
Secondly, I found it was no worse really than wiping my own arse, which is not an especially enjoyable experience either.
But while doing so, one usually thinks about other things while doing it, so it is not so bad, and in a way one does that when doing it to someone else.

In this way, reading or talking about this stuff can be actually worse than doing it, because one is forced to mentally confront the idea of it, but when one is doing it, one can put one's mind elsewhere, if that makes sense.

It’s not snobbery or a lack of compassion but I would say your post is judging people and displaying both.

For me, I think it goes back to my childhood and not feeling cared for, therefore a lack of physical closeness in that way. I could do it for my children, but would hugely struggle for my parents.

I think there are a multitude of reasons for feeling this way, and a little empathy wouldn’t go amiss. I imagine the vast majority of posters who feel this way would not want family members to provide them with personal care either.