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Elderly parents
Original poster

Literally no one understands my reluctance to do personal care

358 replies

bringincrazyback · 25/09/2026 17:55

I just want to put that there for now, really, because this board has been just about the only place where people haven't made me feel like a strange/cruel person for saying that emergencies aside I want my DM's carers to handle her personal care (she lives with me) and I can only really get involved if it's needed at times outside of carer visits. Just been through it yet again with one of the carers this afternoon, and yet again I've been met with looks of incomprehension. It makes me feel so annoyed (especially as this never happens to men) but also ashamed that this is how petty and grudging I seem to be over some things. But feeling ashamed doesn't change the way I feel, unfortunately.

Is it reasonable for me to have this boundary (taking into account that I'd never leave my mum without personal care if she needed it), or do I just need to get over myself as a lot of people seem to think?

Sorry, just a quick vent for now as I need to see to DM now the carer's gone, but just needed to put this somewhere, just as a request for some empathy I guess, as I know some on here do understand it. (The only person who understands is DH, but of course if this ever happens to him with his mum he'll never be expected to do it anyway, being a man!) I'll add context later. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 30/09/2026 07:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WTAF! Who do you think you are to speak to OP like that and order her off her own thread? Your image of yourself as a compassionate saint is totally at odds with the reality if your many posts on this thread are anything to go by.

You owe OP an apology but I doubt that you have the awareness and the basic decency to do that.

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 30/09/2026 07:04

Just ignore her. She clearly thinks she’s very clever, but her comments are witless.

AvengingAngle · 30/09/2026 07:05

bringincrazyback · 29/09/2026 23:10

Glad the thread has helped. Posting it has helped remind me that those of us who are going through this are not freaks, we're people who are doing our best for those we love, but we're human and we simply can't always do everything our loved ones might require of us.

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Totally agree, it is comforting to know that others are going through similar experiences and understand. I think it's something you can't fully understand unless you have actually been through it with your own parents or close relatives, but people who haven't had this experience can be either supportive or, sadly, judgemental.

Rosscameasdoody · 30/09/2026 14:25

maxslice · 27/09/2026 22:20

You don’t know me. Stop pretending you do.

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Based on what you’ve posted and the number of deletions I think we actually know you very well.

Rosscameasdoody · 30/09/2026 14:52

Kassiopea · 29/09/2026 19:01

We are lucky with our carers they go above and beyond. Apart from a select few we've been very lucky and they now feel part of our family almost. My mother is disabled now (for a reason nobody can find) so she cant look after my dad and he can't look after her. Doubly whammy. It's so hard with dementia, like a living grief.

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Agree. I think any kind of dementia is so hard. I watched my mum disappear right in front of me. Everything that she was had pretty much gone by the time she actually passed away. There were the odd flashes of my old mum but I’ll admit as she deteriorated they used to distress me because I couldn’t bear the thought of her being trapped in her body and aware of what was happening to her - thankfully the lucid periods were fleeting. I thought I’d done most of my grieving throughout her illness but it hit me like a brick when it finally happened. Six months down the line I can finally come to terms with the fact that her passing was the best thing for her. Anyone who has a loved one with this awful disease has my heartfelt sympathy.

Original poster
bringincrazyback · 30/09/2026 16:00

Rosscameasdoody · 30/09/2026 14:52

Agree. I think any kind of dementia is so hard. I watched my mum disappear right in front of me. Everything that she was had pretty much gone by the time she actually passed away. There were the odd flashes of my old mum but I’ll admit as she deteriorated they used to distress me because I couldn’t bear the thought of her being trapped in her body and aware of what was happening to her - thankfully the lucid periods were fleeting. I thought I’d done most of my grieving throughout her illness but it hit me like a brick when it finally happened. Six months down the line I can finally come to terms with the fact that her passing was the best thing for her. Anyone who has a loved one with this awful disease has my heartfelt sympathy.

Edited
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I'm sorry you and your mum went through that, it's such a cruel disease. I always think it's like a person with dementia dies twice - first the loss of who they are and then the physical death. 😕

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 30/09/2026 16:03

bringincrazyback · 30/09/2026 16:00

I'm sorry you and your mum went through that, it's such a cruel disease. I always think it's like a person with dementia dies twice - first the loss of who they are and then the physical death. 😕

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That’s exactly it, thank you.

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 01/10/2026 09:22

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 30/09/2026 07:04

Just ignore her. She clearly thinks she’s very clever, but her comments are witless.

With that poster, it's a case of "those who know the least, act like they know the most".

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