Literally no one understands my reluctance to do personal care

I have a general view on this which some may feel is controversial. Let me say first that I did some caring for both my parents although they had carers at home and then both were in a care home. I never lived with them as an adult but visited regularly as needed from 50 miles away.
I feel strongly that ultimately it is not children’s responsibility to do care, particularly personal care, for their parents. It is their responsibility to care for their children but not their parents. My parents were lovely but would never have expected my sisters and I to care for them. We choose to have our children and will always care for them, we didn’t choose to be born.

I helped my bro as did his wife, and it didn’t bother me, but he was uncomfortable with it himself, so it was a relief for him when carers took over

everyone feels how they feel, there’s no right or wrong

@ZippyTaupeBeaker I 100% agree. I once read a MN post which said I am not her carer. I am her daughter.” Bang on. Put those boundaries in place to preserve your relationship. xxxx NB edited as stupid self correct thought I was suggesting you shouldn’t be her caterer 😆

I have spoken with my mum about this in case it ever comes up in future when she’s older and she said she’d prefer a carer to do it. I’d feel the same, I’d prefer a trained carer than a family member if I’m ever unable to do personal care for myself. People are different, I can’t believe the awful things people are saying!

My mum moved in with me towards the end of her life, and there were frequent 'code browns' (as the carers jokingly referred to them) outside of their 4 daily visits. Me and my brother tackled one early on, and it was awful. And I have helped rough sleeping alcoholics in the shower numerous times in a old job- I am not the owner of a delicate disposition! I can admit finding it gross and upsetting now after counselling and admitting it to myself. Knowing that same person must has wiped your bum a million times but not being able to return the favour made me feel like a horrible person, but it IS DIFFERENT WHEN ITS YOUR FAMILY. IT JUST IS! Don't be down on yourself about this, the way you feel is normal, I promise. Good luck with it, it very nearly broke me. X

It is not unusual at all,it changes your relationship to do personal care,your mum may prefer you did'nt.Carer's are there to help you with the tasks either you have agreed to pay them for or the local authority have agreed is helpful,you can continue the important relationship of mother and daughter.Don't allow anybody to make you feel guilty about your choices,your doing a fab job having your mum living with you and careing for her as much as you do.

It was. And OP is free to make her choices. Mine may be affected by having my father die when I was five. Probably my brother and I were closer to our mother afterward than many people. We would have chosen to do personal care for her whether we liked it or not. We agreed on this when she got ill. It never became necessary. OP must do what she considers best. There is a difference between understanding other people’s choices and endorsing them.

So many excellent points made by everyone who's posted since I did.

I think there's long been an expectation for daughters to tend to their parents needs. One poster mentioned we didn't ask to be born. Very true! Yes, we tend to our children's needs because they can't but it's part of the nurturing process.

When Mum was in the care home, we were asked to leave her room whilst the carers washed her, etc. Yes, it was their job and they knew how to lift properly.

Although it maybe difficult, we must never feel failures for not being able to do this. It's a complex issue. 🤔🫂

Hi OP,

If you/your mother are paying for a service, and the service is that the carers do personal care, then that is what they should be doing. I would speak to the Care Manager and tell them that you are not doing it unless it is an emergency with no other options and the carers need to stop asking.

If/when your Mum qualifies for council care (and I hope she is getting attendance allowance which is not means tested), you can ask for a care needs assessment. You could ask for one anyway. Depending on your income, you might be eligible for Carers' allowance too, although I am sure you've looked into all this. No-one can legally compel you to care for someone else - even if you have LPA, your only obligation is to arrange their care, not perform it.

I am sorry you are going through this and I think you are entirely normal in wanting to maintain a loving relationship with your mum whilst not doing her personal care.

Therefore, as I suspected yesterday, you actually have absolutely no experience of the type of familial care we are talking about; I don't believe your 'endorsement' or otherwise actually matters to the OP. What matters to me however is that I believe you owe them an apology for your extremely judgemental and cruel comment of yesterday.

Honestly, that poster is unbearable in their smugness and sanctimoniousness and they have broken Mumsnet posting guidelines by personally attacking you. The Elderly Parents board is supposed to be a safe space for posters who are struggling with providing care for elderly parents and in-laws. It's also very easy for posters to say that they would sacrifice everything to personally care for their parents and in-laws when they haven't been in your situation. I get really pissed off by the finger-wagging and judgemental posts.

I’m sorry for your loss losing a parent is very hard, your experience explains your lack of empathy - you have been deprived of being parented by your father throughout your childhood and you lost your mum abruptly without having the opportunity to care for her and that has left you a bit bitter. You have no idea what it takes to care for an elderly parent for years and you resent that you never got the chance and the privilege but you have no idea how well you would cope and how you would feel - you have fantasy notions of how you’d be and you judge others by your fantasy. And no one can compete with fantasy.

My Mum is my Grandads full time
carer. They still get a carer in to do his personal care daily. Who wants to be cleaning their parents privates? My one of my aunts was a nurse for years and the other was a carer herself until she retired this year - they also don’t want to do his personal care despite having done it for hundreds of other people.

I think this is an important point. When my mother was her previous self, she would have been mortified about a family member attending to her personal care, aside from my dad. Just because she had dementia didn’t mean she would suddenly want me seeing her naked or wiping her bum. The home she was in was brilliant about preserving the dignity of their residents and respecting what the residents would have wanted before. With my mum if there was any care to be done while we were visiting, they discreetly asked us to step out.

Reading with interest.I haven't read every post.I wondered if anyone would give personal care to an adult DD,who was ill, pregnant or in labour. (I ended up with this situation last year , and I don't like watching women giving birth)My late DM, came to live with us after serious cancer surgery.. She had a colostomy.I did personal care.Maybe it was different for me, because I was nursing (over 40 years) only child, she didn't "expect" it,it was offered. There are aspects I don't like,there were times at work, I was forcing myself not to vomit.

This is a dreadful post and you really should be ashamed of yourself. Like OP, I’m disabled and chose to look after my mum at home - as OP is doing. My motivation was similar to that you’ve described - I wanted to pay something forward for the way mum cared for me and the difficult time she had during my extended years of dependence. I couldn’t have done it without a mix of personal and local authority care - are you going to judge me by your standards too ? You didn’t provide personal care to anyone, so l think my advice to OP upthread applies. Ignore the detractors. Anyone who isn’t offering help or advice is a hindrance and best ignored.

And you will never know whether, when it actually came to it, you would have been able to provide that personal care. Because the reality of the nature of that care is very different to anything you could possibly imagine - and you can’t possibly know how, or even if, you would cope until you actually face that reality.

@bringincrazyback I just want to add my voice to those agreeing with you.
I think any attitude or comments from carers should be sharply cut off - it's very unprofessional of them.
Surely the whole point of having carers is to free you to be her daughter.

I am in a similar position with my 97 year old mother - we reluctantly moved her into a care home earlier this year.

My mother would HATE to have me do personal care for her. She is a very private person and hates any help with personal care tbh (and can be very short with the carers if they step out of line 🙂).
But the point is, if someone else does the personal stuff she can sort of close her mind to the indignity of it, whereas if I do it then that invasion of her privacy is there between us.

I will very much say I do not have the ability to be any adult's carer.
I cannot deal with the 3 P's at all. I was barely able to handle my children's; so there is no way I could deal with an adult's.
I totally admire those that can do so. They are heroes in my book.

I know you've never cared for your parents because you made that clear in your post, which is why you are now coming back with the 'don't know anything about your life' defence- again you cannot empathise with issues surrounding care for parents, so I categorically insist you can't empathise with the OP but, worse, you were unbelievably judgemental and harsh towards them as well. It is a shame you have to now resort to plain abuse and language because you were the one called out on your nastiness to someone yesterday. Your opinion was based on no experience of caring for parents. Mine was. If you think I found some kind of entertainment for feeling you should apologise for hurtful comments to another human being, you are completely judging me by your own standards.
You will get absolutely no other direct response from me.

You don’t know what you’d have done because you sadly didn’t have the choice or opportunity too decide - your views are fantasy choices and your judgements are cruel and unnecessary - off you pop to a thread where you can contribute to a thread where you have some experience to share.

You don’t know me. Stop pretending you do.