Literally no one understands my reluctance to do personal care

The trimming of visits was becoming progressively more of a problem with mum, but it turned out to be on the carers. Her personal care seemed to take up less of the allotted time with different carers and on a few occasions they asked if they could go on to their next call if there was nothing more to be done. I noticed that after they had left early they seemed to sit in the car for a while afterwards - chatting and eating and drinking. I didn’t think much of it at the time - just that they were grabbing a bite while they had the chance in between calls.

I happened to mention it to the private carer and she asked how long they had been cutting the visits short like this because she’d noticed that recently a lot of corners were being cut in mum’s care. She’d been monitoring and was going to say something to me when she was sure of her facts.

She told me that when she had worked in LA care it was standard practice for the movements of carers to be monitored by GPS via their phones, so what would happen was that the care visits would be cut short and an unofficial break would take place in the car parked near to the claimants’ home, so the GPS tracker would give the impression that the allotted time for the visit was fully met. Unfortunately I didn’t have the chance to follow this up wth the LA as I’d intended because mum took a turn for the worse and passed away shortly afterwards. I know carers have a difficult job and l have no problem with them grabbing a break wherever possible, but this just seemed to be so underhand and seemingly at the expense of the client.

My priority as a carer is the human being in front of me and that I'm doing for them what they would do for themselves if they could, and I'm trying to make sure they don't feel bad or ashamed about being in a vulnerable position that could happen to any of us.

This is exactly why there should be more attention paid to the people actually going into care work. This kind of empathy and compassion was what was sorely lacking in the LA carers I dealt with for mum. It makes me so mad when unemployment and benefits are being discussed on MN and the inevitable solution to finding a job seems to be ‘well you can always do care work’. No wonder the sector is in such dire straits if there is no importance attached to the actual people employed to provide the service.

Don't worry @bringincrazyback some posters think women should set themselves on fire to keep others warm.

It was horrific but it also strengthened my resolve and my case for not having her back home. All the adaptations in the world wouldn't have made her home suitable but her dementia stopped her from seeing it.

When I began providing more support to mum I was told not to start off doing more than I could sustain and that it was vital that I looked after myself as I couldn't help her if I was exhausted. As others have said you really can't set yourself on fire to keep your mum warm.

I also got loads of very useful advice and moral support from this forum for which I am eternally grateful. The elderly parents thread and the people on it at the time were a life saver as I felt very alone at times.

My priority as a carer is the human being in front of me and that I'm doing for them what they would do for themselves if they could, and I'm trying to make sure they don't feel bad or ashamed about being in a vulnerable position that could happen to any of us.

I really relate to feeling like this with patients i work with (it's inpatient rehab so very different situation than home care i know). I haven't been in the position of needing to provide personal care to my own parents, but despite my job I don't know if I could do it, the whole relationship would be different. So I never feel it's unexpected when people feel that - it's so different to me coming in and working with people then going home when my shift is over. Though I care for that human being who is my patient and want to help and support them, it's very different if it's family and all day every day.

How DARE you say such things to the OP? You cannot equate this situation to that of caring for a baby chosen to be brought into the world by the parents.
When you and your siblings and your partner and their partners have literally nearly lost jobs, had car accidents due to the sheer exhaustion and demand that was the result of caring for a parent who quite literally, without dementia, only cared about themselves, as we had to cope with, you might know just how difficult these family caring situations can be. And that was with my parent having a significant care package in place. Regardless of your personal views, Florence Nightingale, you have absolutely no right whatsoever to say such things to someone in the way you did in your post. Absolute shame on you.

Well said, @LilyBunch25

Tell her it's carers or she goes unwashed .

There is absolutely no way I would do it for anyone except my children and that would only be in an emergency. Absolutely no way and I don’t know how anyone does that job, there is no way I could do it ever. Ever ever.

I will not be made to feel bad about that either. People are good at different things. I could not do that.

And also it’s absolutely nothing to do with ‘love’ . It’s a job like any other job, if someone said to you ‘if you don’t fly this plane home from lanzarote, you don’t love me’ that’s insane. I’m not a pilot that is not my job and it’s nothing to do with love at all when I don’t do it for you. I can’t.

have only read your posts OP, you should only do what you are comfortable or want to do.

I will absolutely not be doing any personal care for my mum. I changed my babies nappies because they are my babies and that was my job at the time. But if i'd employed a nanny? during the nanny's working hours i wouldn't have changed a nappy either.

We, as women, get a very bad rap for declining to do these things - men get off scott free and even if they do the bare minimum once a year are praised to high heavens (not that i'm bitter that it is how it goes down with me and male sibling in respect of our parent's care)

Exactly. I'd also love to know how much actual familial care that middle of the night poster has actually done to form these opinions though I suspect when challenged they'll come up with a story- because NO ONE who has ever been in this kind of situation would ever have made the unforgiveably judgemental comments that they did- so whatever they come back with I for one will be very disinclined to give it credence.
OP you are navigating an incredibly difficult situation and even the fact you are asking questions and reaching out for possible support shows exactly that you DO care. I can massively empathise.

The conversation shouldn't even be happening with the carer.
If personal care is part of their job, they do it. In any job, you don't turn up to work, see your boss is physically present, so proceed to question them as to why they haven't done the job they are paying you for?
It's absurdly unprofessional.

If the carer does not wish to do personal care then they must arrange with their employer that they do not do so. If it is a non negotiable part of the job then they quit. But once they've agreed to do it and they're at client's home then they have to.

And none of these staffing issues should be visible to the client or person paying.

This. Exactly my point.

If any carer had ever challenged me on this I would have told them it was totally inappropriate, and notified the agency so they can give them a talking to.

I had to wash and bathe my mother once or twice. I did it out of love and care, but I couldn’t have done it regularly. I totally understand why you are reluctant. It feels wrong somehow - I think because it’s a reversal of the “natural” order. My mother regressed to childhood but was still an adult and my mother

i totally get it @bringincrazyback

Giles Fraser, who was I think a COE clergyman with a bit of a media profile, suggested a few years ago that we needed to go back to the old model of family members caring for the elderly and that it shouldn't be outsourced to professionals. Happily, he got his arse handed to him on Twitter and elsewhere. Being cared for by 'family' years ago almost invariably meant an unpaid, silent, uncomplaining married daughter or niece who acted as nursemaid to the family 'invalids' with little life of her own, and certainly no ability to do any paid work.

Where I live it used to be the tradition that an unmarried daughter stayed at home and looked after the parents. Then the house was left to the son and she was out on her ear.
Thankfully nonsense like this has now died out.

I will just add that when I did personal care for my mother and later my dad, neither were quite mentally the same as in their prime, or psychologically either, so the relationship had changed a bit anyway, that made it easier really.

I have some friends in Ireland and even now in their family it is the unmarried daughters living with the widowed mother who are expected to do the care. The sons who live in the same town …no…