Regretting letting MIL move in, feel mentally unwell over it. AIBU to ask what to do?

You need to get away from them. Call Women's Aid for advice. Speak to health visitor and anybody else who can talk you through it. Space from the man who thinks you have zero value is what you need right now.

This gets worse and worse OP.

So you had the SIL and her partner staying, they left and now the MIL has taken up residence.

It is her or you, she needs to go it is as simple as that as she is making you uncomfortable in your own home, that is not okay.

Where does she normally live?

He is abusing you.
It is that simple.
You have to put your baby first and go to your mothers, brother or no brother.
She has a room.
Tell the MH team the truth.
Ring 101 and ask for help.
You can do this.

She won't get housed elsewhere there is a huge housing crisis.
She needs to go and live with her own kids the SIL that was staying with you.
Her accomodation is not your problem to fix.

We've been discharged from midwife but when they would visit and ask me about feeding etc, I would start to answer the question and then DP would jump in and take over the conversation (not in an intentionally controlling way, he had genuine questions about feeding techniques but he would interrupt me)

I reclaimed my spot on the sofa. It was quite awkward. I came downstairs with DS asleep in my arms, she was in spot on the sofa next to the moses basket. I politely asked her to budge up on the sofa and she misunderstood me (I'm not sure how as I said "excuse me") and thought I was asking her to hold DS so she took him off me and sat back down. I then sat on the other sofa and asked her to put DS in his basket. As she was doing that I went and took the spot on the sofa. It may seem like a silly thing to be so obsessed with having a particular spot on the sofa but when I'm sat it here it means I can see DS, comfort him with my hand when he cries and pick him up when he cries without having to stand up and walk across the room. I really felt quite stressed when she was sat there, it felt like somebody else's home and somebody else's baby. Its a small social etiquette that she was completely missing

OP I'm glad you've started to take back your space but you need to understand that things like this you wrote above are very much intentional means of controlling you, done in a subtle way that isn't necessarily immediately obvious to outsiders (or even to you) but nonetheless has the effect they want: you are silenced and you are pushed to the periphery during your own appointments and in your own home.

Your partner and MIL are not oblivious to this effect, they know what they're doing and they're choosing to do it.

He knows midwife appointments are for the new mother, he just doesn't want you having time alone with a professional to talk about things of your choosing. So he controlled the narrative, not because he's interested in feeding techniques (he banished you to the sofa FFS so he could sleep without waking, that's how interested in feeding he is!) but so that it would be hard for anyone to dismiss him from the conversation without looking as if they were being unreasonable. By keeping the midwife engaged in professional conversation it's harder for her to notice you're not being allowed to speak and she leaves with the impression there's been plenty of talk about baby related things, without necessarily realising you've had zero opportunity to speak about anything troubling you, which is one of the main points of the appointment. Your partner also gets to make himself look like an involved and interested dad, and at first glance a supportive partner - but it's all smoke-and-mirrors, a far cry from how he treats you behind closed doors when nobody can see. By taking over your midwife appointments he also took away your best opportunity to talk about the state of your relationship to a sympathetic professional ear. There's nothing accidental about that.

MIL knows you sit there on the sofa, she's seen you. And if she needed further hint, it's where the baby's basket is! Your partner definitely knows it's her and not you by his side of an evening too. They both knew you'd like to watch your choice of TV in English in your own home, they just didn't care.

It's all part of being gaslit OP, doing things in such a manner that it's dressed up as "best for everyone" (except you) and you're made to feel unreasonable to complain or to want things to be different. Not every abuser smacks you round the head. It's actually easier in a way if they do, at least most people recognise that as wrong. The subtle psychological stuff can be far more harmful, in part because it goes unnoticed and in part because the wounds it leaves can be far harder to recover from than physical bruises.

Never ever forget that this selfish man put his own comfort and that of his family above you, the mother of his child who'd just given birth. You come last in his pecking order and he thinks that's fine. Sure, you can be assertive and fight to take up space in your own life and home, but don't underestimate how exhausting it will be both mentally and physically to live like this, effectively at war in your own home. It's not you or your feelings that are unreasonable here, it's them (his whole biological family) and the way they're treating you. Not one of them respects you.

The longer you stay in this situation the more you normalise it to yourself. It's just something to be aware of because over time you'll find yourself questioning whether you're in the right, whether you're unreasonable or whether there's more you could be doing to improve relationships with people who don't care about you, relationships that you didn't break in the first place and it isn't your job to fix. You'll find yourself taking misplaced responsibility for others emotions, not because you want to or because you feel in an obvious way that you're being made to, but because if you do the homelife situation is more peaceful. If you do X totally normal and reasonable thing, he/she will have opinions on it and you're not in the mood (too ground down over time) for dealing with it so you "decide" to do Y instead in the name of peace and harmony, except you don't actually want to do Y, but you and your opinions have ceased to matter even to yourself. So coercive control take its insidious effects and you slowly find yourself living under his thumb, without ever realising it's even happening. Remember to hold it firm in your mind every time you doubt yourself: it's not you, there's nothing wrong with you, you're not the unreasonable one.

Proud of you OP

Putting aside be the situation with his mother which is bad enough, this man doesn't love or respect you and there is no way that this only started when you had a baby.

I don't see a scenario where he will take your wife over his mother so as I said in my last post you need to start planning your exit even as you try to have a serious discussion with him and possibly his mother to set ground rules and boundaries.

This isn't a way to live.

"I want to go to a hotel but I'm concerned to travel with DS in the storm and MIL is downstairs so would see me leaving."

And so??? I think this is beyond the point of trying not to upset her or avoid confrontation. I'm not saying you need to be screaming and shouting but you need to be firm and do what you need to do and be ready to call the police or help if needed.

How did you manage to overheat the expressed milk and why was it needed if you were available to breastfeeding?
I do think that some of it is a cultural clash and your MH/OCD. However I don't think that it's going to improve or be sorted out while you are in the home with your MIL. Being in your Mum's will help you seperate what's your living situation and your MH. I think that you need to go to stay with her, you are living in your bedroom anyway. I also think that your DP needs to be involved in your MH treatment, if you were to go back. It's impossible to use strategies while you live with your MIL. I don't think that this is all on your DP. You agreed for her to come to live with you. She isn't able to do anything about her now, situation. However, he doesn't and never has, treated you well. That again, could be a norm for were he is from etc. It would take a lot of work, to make this work. While you stay, you are in danger of losing residency. I'd make the break while you are breastfeeding.

I had PND, OP. It is awful and in a situation like this you will not recover.

Surely your MIL doesn’t have a legal right to stay long term in this country? What visa is she on?

Tell your partner she can’t stay. Say your mental health made you suggest something that has not worked. You need this time just you, him and your baby.

Postpartum is bad at the best of times let alone like this. She must move out- give him a hard deadline and explain you’re desperate.

I’d tell your midwife too and ask to speak to a social worker. They will give you help and you should go on to the council house waiting list in case the situation becomes unsustainable.

Just seen your updates. Your DP is abusing you. Good men do not call their partners names ever.

Call Women’s Aid.

That's fair enough and something most of us has done, although it was a pan in my day. I was worried that you were being pressured to hand over feeding. Seriously consider going to your mum's.

Have you been able to talk about your situation to the professionals supporting you?

Unfortunately it seems that the longer you stay with him (it's not a partnership so I can't use that word), the longer you stay, the worse your self-esteem and confidence will be. He's not going to change, there's something about becoming parents that can unleash deep-held attitudes, so it's not surprising that you didn't expect him to behave in this way. But if he's not willing to talk and share the experience now in the newborn days then you can expect this will be your life if you stay with him.

We all appreciate it's not easy but you're a frog in a pan of water, and it seems that we can all see the gas being turned up. Only you can change this, and you can do it. You just need some perspective from normal people. Go for the pram walks, talk to people in real life. Let them remind you what things could be like for you.

Regarding MIL living situation, her options are the same as anyone's and she'll like them about the same too!

Does she have recourse to public funds? Having ILR is separate I believe. If she does she can claim UC, they will decide if she's too unwell to work. Highly unlikely with "knee issues", they'll expect her to take painkillers, use crutches and see a doctor about getting the issue fixed. There are still various jobs she can do with an iffy knee.

She also doesn't get to choose the type of work (within reason, she wouldn't expect to be a roofer with a bad leg for example, but neither can she claim astronaut is the only job she's interested in and she can't find work!) if she's judged to be a job seeker and not too unwell to do anything. She'll be expected to learn English and get glasses so she can see, to improve her work prospects.

Once she's in receipt of benefits or has a job she can save up and move out to a room in an HMO or a one bedroom flat. It's harder to find a landlord who'd accept her without a job, but they do exist and if you kicked her out so she was officially homeless she'd be helped to find somewhere by the council. If she's on benefits or low income will get housing costs to help pay the rent.

This won't happen if your partner says she's welcome to stay living with you though or if she doesn't have recourse to public funds.

She also could have gone to seek help with the authorities in whatever country she lived in with her ex when she wanted to leave him. Her only options weren't staying in an abusive marriage or living with you. So I'm assuming you'd meet fierce opposition from her and your partner at any attempts to make her stand on her own two feet. This isn't a case of a frail elderly MIL in a dire situation without any other options, this is a case of a working age woman who just doesn't want to work and would rather mooch off men.

I imagine she will never leave, because the plan cooked up with your partner was that he'd fund her financially and put a roof over her head for the rest of her life as if she were a dependent and you'd provide any care she needs. If she won't or can't claim UC, if she won't comply with it's rules or won't get a job, if she doesn't fancy having to be independent or live in a small property, if her and your partner are both happy for her to live there in a house he part owns - then realistically you can't get her out. Not without splitting up and selling the house.

You really need to stop paying into the mortgage if at all possible legally and I hope you didn't put in a big deposit either, because you're going to have a hell of a job getting the house sold if you split up, with two of them blocking the sale. Realistically anything you've put in or continue to put in you're likely to lose, because you're not much of a fighter and legal battles can cost as much as you'd gain or even more if there's not much equity in the property.

Your best bet is to look after your own interests. If you haven't already registered the birth, don't put your partner on the birth certificate, he can still get parental rights but he's have to apply for them, it just makes it harder for him so he might not bother. And give baby your surname. Make sure child benefit is going into your own bank account not a joint one. Start savings of your own, you're not married so these won't be split with him if you break up. Maybe you can't stay with your mum but perhaps you could store at her place things you might need to set up in a home of your own. So you could collect them gradually instead of having the expense all at once. Don't take out any joint loans, agree to pay for any car finance etc for a car that isn't in your name, do your best to remain as financially separate from your partner as possible, that's the best way to keep your own options open. Have the utilities in either your name or his (not joint names and not in your name if there's likely to be anyone running up debt on the account). If you move out you just take a meter reading, inform the company you've gone and pay the final bill, if it's in your name. Any utilities not in your name you can simply ignore, they're nothing to do with you.

I pray that you will escape this man soon. And when you do you must never let him back. Leave him and his mother far behind you and let them rot together.

Outright insults is a new thing from him. He's had issues with how he treats me but it's usually more subtle digs and negging. A raised voice and shouting and insult is really new behaviour.

It being new isn't a reason to dismiss it. It won't be a one off it never is. He's escalating and that's bad news. Can you see the pattern? You started asserting yourself and his behaviour became more abusive. This is typical and the reason it's not possible to stay in an abusive relationship. Not without becoming a shadow of yourself and under his thumb anyway. He will escalate further over time. His behaviour isn't new this is just the latest appalling thing he's done. It's parental alienation, saying that to your child. It's abusing the child too by dragging them into an adult disagreement like that and saying negative untrue things about their parent.

You really need to tell any professionals you're involved with about his behaviour, all of it - and get in touch with Women's Aid, whether you're planning on leaving him or not you still need to join one of their groups for support.

I disagree with pp about him needing to be involved with your MH treatment OP, that's the last thing you need, he's the cause of your MH issues!

agree it's partly my fault as it was equally my idea for her to move in and she has been abused

OP please stop telling yourself this situation you're in is your own fault. Your brain hears this and it affects your self confidence. They've taught you to start gaslighting yourself, please stop it.

Firstly you have zero evidence your MIL was ever abused, this was the story told to you to get you to agree to her moving in and it may have never been true. Secondly, even if she has, it doesn't give her the right to abuse you! Nor does it give your partner that right. She could have sought help for abused women in the country she was living, she could have gone to stay at her daughter's place in that country.

I'll bet this is nothing to do either being abused and everything to do with her wanting to move to UK. Probably for NHS and pension.
But also because your partner wants her there as backup for his abuse of you. He's tied you to him, first with purchasing a joint house, second with a baby, and now he's achieved those ties he's moved his mother in so they can abuse you 2-to-1.

Don't forget, while he's at work he now has eyes on you at home via MIL, this is not coincidence. I'll bet too that your child will be refused daycare and peer socialising by your partner, on the grounds its not needed because MIL can do it, meaning him and MIL now control your child too.

If you had fair and reasonable control over your own life you wouldn't be having to assert yourself with MIL because she wouldn't be trampling your boundaries in the first place. You wouldn't be afraid of her seeing you leave. You wouldn't be feeling uncomfortable around her, because the second you started feeling that way you'd have felt secure and confident enough to ask her to leave, telling your partner it wasn't working out to have her living there - and you could expect him to back you up in that. But you feel none of these things because you're in an abusive relationship and that is not your fault.

OP, please re-read this post and take onboard everything that 'unicornsandstardust' has said, they are absolutely right about it ALL!!

Also, please don't be afraid to leave today and go to a hotel. What can MIL do even if she sees you? You don't have to tell her where you're going, and as she supposedly doesn't speak English anyway, she wouldn't understand if you did, but if she asks where you're going, just say 'out'. If she asks to come with you, say 'not possible', then just leave with NO HESITATION. The worst she can do is call your partner, and if she doesn't know where you've gone, she can't tell him, can she?

Once you're safely in a hotel, then please start looking at the options to get help that other posters have told you about, and start making the necessary calls.

I know it's hard, but your REALLY DO need to leave NOW, as the longer you leave it, the harder it will be.

Sending you a strength to do what needs doing, and a hug to help you and baby on your way.

A good point has been pointed out you don't know if the MIL was being abused or not. It could well be made up and she has other reasons to want to come here to get NHS/pension etc Plus keep an eye on you when your partner is out at work and take over.

Send her packing and reclaim your home. Where she goes is not your problem and it will only get worse having her living with you.

You and your little one are all that matters.

You need to leave. Men let their masks slip when their partner is at her most vulnerable and your partner is slowly getting worse and worse.

You won’t see it as badly yourself. Like the boiled frog. Contact your mental health nurse, contact woman’s aid. Go to your mums or a safe space they can arrange.

You need to look forward to this as a separation because he doesn’t have your back and he will get worse.

You, as a breastfeeding mother of a newborn, will never have the level of support you will get now again. Grab the bull by the horns and contact your health visitor and mental health team and tell them you need tobleave your house because he is deliberately making you MH worse. Don't allow him to grind you down until you really are too unwell to care for your son.