DS has been uninvited from a sleepover and I don’t know what to tell him

We had the exact same situation although it happened in yr4. I explained to my son that his friend had changed her mind and decided to only invite girls and he was disappointed but got over it and they're still friends. He's now in yr6 and I'd find it easier to explain at this age and can see that parents would feel uncomfortable about this whereas I thought a mixed sex sleepover in yr4 would've been fine, but accepted that other parents disagreed.

I would explain it to him honestly otherwise he could end up thinking that he's been uninvited because of something he's done.

With my son, it did prompt me to actively help him become better friends with some of the boys because I realised the girls he'd always played with were growing up faster than he was and he'd ended up a bit on the outside of both boy and girl friendship groups. There was a school residential that year and he really struggled to choose other boys to share a room with. Luckily he had an amazing teacher that year who really helped him form some other friendships and now has a great group of mainly boy mates with some girls too.

It’s not about the threat! It’s about body autonomy and possible embarrassing situations. A flooding period for the girls for example or for my son who this age sometime of a morning he’s been waking up and in his words, his Willy is sticking up!!

he would be traumatised if that happened in front of his female friends

All men are potential abusers of all women. That's why we have safeguarding and single sex environments. And that's also why women and girls - and men and boys - have natural and appropriate feelings of acting and behaving differently around each other, whether we undress in front of each other, allow ourselves the vulnerability of sleeping in each others' company and so on. This kicks in prior to 10 years old.

What is the issue with being truthful?

Honestly, I’m surprised he was ever invited! And that you ever accepted! Both incredibly bonkers. Some of those girls will have started puberty, possibly periods etc. Are you his mother or father? Surely if mother you would understand why the girls would not want him there!! It won’t have just been one mum with concerns.

This is a good opportunity to teach him about respecting girls boundaries and their spaces and their needs are not personal. Raise a young man who can respect women, not one who feels wronged by not being able to cross their boundaries.

It’s difficult but I suspect the sleepover invites for your DS will slow / stop in the near future anyway with this group as they hit puberty and get more interested in make up / spa experiences. While upsetting for your DS you need to tell him the truth, as they are getting older it’s not appropriate for him to be sleeping in the same room as the girls , sad though it is that’s to protect him as much as the girls and in reality I don’t think him going for the pizza and film and having to come home will necessarily be better than him not going at all.

Rude? Girls and women’s right to feel safe when they sleep is rude if they don’t want to include boys/ men. Ffs. We can guess the child you have.

This. I don’t get why he wouldn’t understand this at his age, he’s not 5. I don’t actually think it’s unreasonable to be uncomfortable with a mixed sleepover at this age either.

So, you’re saying.

If I invite a man to sleep in my room, then decide I don’t want that - it’s rude to tell them I don’t want them there?

if I invite a man in to my bed, then think, ‘actually no’ then I should just let them so as not to be rude?

if I invite a man to have sex with me, then change my mind…I should do it anyway so as not to be rude?

I really hope you don’t have a son

No you don't blame one of his friends. That would make him feel even worse. Anyway, all we know is that the mum didn't like the idea. The girl might be fine with it

Or, as is more likely the case, the girl spoke to her mum about feeling uncomfortable about it, and the mum agreed to raise it on her behalf. As any good mum would do. Also, it's not 'blame' to state a fact that girls develop earlier and are quite justified in asking for privacy as a result.

I think telling young girls that they can’t change their minds about sharing a bedroom with a male is a fabulous message.

We really don’t hammer it home enough if I’m honest.

I have a year 6 girl. At that age some of the girls are beginning to charge so I totally understand why no mixed sex sleepover. I'm slightly shocked the birthday parents thought it was ok to have mixed sex sleepover anyway . Just tell your son the truth that it's just girls for the sleepover. Why can't your son go for the pizza and film but of the party.