MIL has forbidden DS to call for his friend when we visit

I feel so sorry for your son. It's a lot for him to have to spend one day every second weekend doing as directed by grandparents. It all seems a little regimented. At his age he should be exploring friendships and doing activities, something he is trying to do but being restricted by grandparents. This has potential to make him feel insecure.
You need to re-evaluate your visits, reduce the frequency and the length of time spent there. They have had their own stint at parenting and controlling, they shouldn't be allowed to do that with grandchildren. Your son is at an age where he will soon be doing activities outside the home so maybe now is the time to start looking at what he would like to do. Time to start making the changes as he moves into the school phase and adapts to.new routines and changes. Structure them so they appear to be naturally evolving rather than enforced.
Great parenting recognising the control issues and the early potential to see it could cause problems going forward if not nipped in the bud.
Good luck.

Compromise.

Agree with the parent of the neighbour if there is a convenient slot for DS to go to their house/garden to play. Tell MiL that DS will be out from 11 - 12.30 but will be back for lunch and will spend the rest of the day at MiL's.

I get it that the ILs don't want other children in their house or garden. That is their right and whilst it seems a bit unfair to DS/friends, that's life. So that's one concession to the ILs. Another is that DS will be there for the main meal plus (if on offer) a snack. The final one is that less than half the visit will be spent with the neighbour. Then ILs need to relent a bit and give DS time to do his own thing for PART of the visit. DS has to be told that when the appointed time comes, he comes straight back without any fuss.

Invite the neighbour's kid(s) to yours on a non-GP day to reciprocate - maybe they could come for a playdate after school.

I don’t understand the posters saying that these grandparents want to “talk to him” for a whole day, longer than a school day (and kids get play breaks at school). It’s not usual for a 6 year old to sit on the sofa and chit-chat with adults. It’s certainly not developmentally appropriate to expect that sort of behaviour for seven hours.

Yes, the first hour maybe when you arrive is a reasonable expectation, with tea and biscuits, but unless grandparents are getting out board games and puzzles to do as a group, or inviting him to bake with them, I don’t see how they are spending anything like “quality time” with him for the following six hours. Time maybe. Adults often find an hour their limit for chit chat!

@Hellotodays could you outline how your days tend to look at inlaws’ house? How are you spending the seven hours? At the moment I’m getting horrific vibes like I used to feel at my grandparents house in the very early 80s, when I wasn’t allowed to do much but my grampy was allowed to watch the wrestling or the football results. Len Martin’s recitation of “Queens Park - nil, Queen of the South, nil” was the soundtrack to those visits and will take me straight back to a brown carpet, a cold bathroom (no central heating), and playing for hours with granny’s brass fireplace animals.

My grandparents were always very encouraging of our playing with local children when we used to visit. We did visit for many days usually and we mainly stayed in the gardens.

Op i think the visits are very long.
Are your kids cousins also visiting at the same time?
I do get a 5 year age gap at that age is huge.

I don't think its wrong for him to go and play with the girl, but i think meals should be with the family.

Since when has calling for a friend become so controversial. My God. It is one of the best parts of childhood. We always called for for friends when we went to our Grandmas every Sunday. We were only there 2 hours!
Though my Grandparents weren't insular or bothered by different kids showing up. I have some lovely memories of her handing out the cheap choc ices or chipsticks and cups of dandelion & burdock. My Grandad used to set up the cricket stumps for us on some land at the side of their bungalow.
Imagine just been made to sit there looking at each other all staid.

I would have a word with the neighbour @Hellotodays and say MIL doesn't want their kids in her house. Just let them play outside.

Firstly, they don't get to 'forbid' anything. He's not their child.

Secondly, is there a chance that they've picked up on something that you haven't about the neighbours? Maybe the neighbours are not as happy about the Sunday drop ins as they're letting on.

What did your H say to his mother? I hope it was along the lines of "well make sure you have games and ideas then for him" - she can't have it both ways

Edit - but 6.5 hours is far too long with 2 young kids, aren't you all bored of each other by about 3pm?

I think they can forbid the neighbour’s children coming into their house

We used to take things with us when visiting grandparents (they did have a few things there too). But we were the parents, our children our responsibility to entertain

Just say that your son is off for a playdate, and while you are there would it be ok to pop in for a cuppa?! Change it around.

Er, no. It's not his house. He doesn't get to invite the neighbour's kids over. He's been told not to do that, so that's that.

His mother will have to figure out a solution that doesn't involve the neighbour's kid entering another person's home and garden who has specifically said they do not wish that.

But the parents ARE happy to entertain their kid by allowing him to play with his friend. Nothing wrong with that. It is the MiL that says no, but isnt giving an alternative

She doesnt want to put in the effort, but doesnt want him to have fun with his friend either. Weird

I would refuse the request. Or refuse to spend the whole day there. You go out for a family walk, activity, something ... or you go home/off to do your own core family thing after lunch. It doesn't sound fair to the young grandchildren to be stuck just sitting there and essentially being ignored by their grandparents, but expected to be 'present' because 'family'.

You have limited family time with your children, too ... yet you seem to understand that they need time to play with other children or do something.

Yeah it sounds way too long. I’d be pushing back on that and cutting the visit length in half. Arrive half an hour before dinner and go home after you’ve helped to wash up. Nobody has time to get bored then and each other’s company stays fresh and enjoyable.

It doesn't matter if the mil wants long visits, you leave when you're ready to leave.

But what you don't do is tell your son he can have the neighbour's child in another person's home and garden, when they have said no.

Just as you have boundaries in your house, she is absolutely entitled to have boundaries in hers. Just as you exclude people and forbid things in your own home, she has the right to do so in her own.

How can it be that you’re visiting family and you still have to be responsible for entertaining your own children?

I find that so stiff. You shouldn’t feel like you’re intruding on your own family or that “your kids your problem”.

I mean what next, bring your own food too? Surely most grandparents aren’t this uptight?

It's not a request. Her son has been instructed that he can no longer bring a child from next door into the mil's home and garden.

So that's that.

But yes, certainly she can leave when she chooses to leave, or find other ways to occupy her son, or just let him get bored. But what she can't do is tell her son to bring the neighbour's kid into somebody else's home and garden when he has been instructed not to do so.

i can’t imagine going round to someone’s house and then inviting other children into it without even checking if this is okay.

Right. And the OP deliberately tried to frame this to make her MIL sound awful using "forbidden" and "exclusionary" instead of just saying "she doesn't want this other kid plus her older sister tramping in and out of her house and garden all day" which is the reality of the situation.

Reading the sachharine sweetness laced with vinegar in the OPs responses I feel strongly she's manipulative. She's certainly quite willing to throw a bit of a hissy fit over the fact that other people have a perfect right to decide who is coming and going in their own home.

She should make the visits shorter, or otherwise entertain her son, or just let him get bored.

But she doesn't get to decide who other people want in their own home.

It sounds like they revel in their status as grandparents, without actually wanting grandchildren.

The grandparents will be wondering in a few years why their grandchild doesn’t bother with them!

My parents weren’t uptight but I also didn’t expect them to have a cupboard full of toys to entertain my DC. They did have a few things and they engaged with my DC (so I guess different with OP’s) but they were still our responsibility. When health allowed we would all walk to the local park or just go for a dog walk. Maybe OP needs to suggest something like that as a family rather than sitting around. We also lived a distance away so visits weren’t so frequent, so would have been rude to send DC next door when we arrived and even more rude to invite next door’s children round without at least checking with them it was okay.

If I was OP I would make shorter visits and less frequent ones. Maybe visit the neighbours separately

I can’t get my head around spending the whole day at your in laws when they live so close by. Why do you stay all day? No wondered he’s bored. My in laws live in the same town and we would visit for an hour or two when the kids were young!