MIL has forbidden DS to call for his friend when we visit

Iiwm she'd be told, politely, no.

But I would say to DS no bringing your friend round or in/out between the houses and not to be there all day.

I would cut down on visits and set up play dates for your 6 year old instead.

Once a month visiting grandparents who from their demands sound pretty controlling and who don’t focus on their grandchildren as actual little people but rather just there to serve their needs is more than enough.

It is very rude if he brings neighbours kids into his grandparents house, especially when he isn't the only visitor. Maybe if they were minding him for a day or something but not while visiting with family, and especially not if other cousins etc are there.
So what if his cousins are younger. You can bring a colouring book or lego or magmatiles or something for him, like you would visiting anywhere that a child would be bored. It sounds very entitled that you think his grandparents should entertain him while the whole family visits. Complaining that you gave to mind your own child while visiting is unreasonable.
And thr in and out of houses must be annoying to grandparents...... if they have specifically said not to call there and you tell him he can then you are being deliberately rude.

I’d reduce the frequency and/or length of visit. What a long and boring day for a child. I’d continue letting him visit his friend but advise him not to come into grandparents garden with her. Then arrange for his friend to visit him at home some times.

It's ridiculous that you think this amounts to saying a child can't be entertained in those circumstances, as an absolute. This particular child isnt. These are the facts as you've been told them.

OP I'd make it clear that DS will not be taken for hours to be bored and nor will you undertake the work of entertaining him for the whole time so the in laws can have their way whilst doing nothing to facilitate.

You must be local if they all go to same school. Can't you organise playdates with the friend without needing to use MIL house?

Just to add to the messages saying it’s MIL who’s rude. Of course he should be allowed to play with neighbour but maybe just at their house as IL’s sound stuffy. My DM and DMIL want to make their houses a fun place to visit and would never say they couldn’t visit a friends. Not sure what MIL is gaining by making it more boring for him.

Your inlaws are being absolutely ridiculous. I'd tell him that they weren't going to impose any such rule. I mean, obviously, their house their rules, but if they are going to insist I would stop your son's visits to them.

What utter nonsense, you absolutely DO have "exclusionary rules" - the correct term for which is boundaries. Everyone does. You don't open your home to strangers and YOU get to choose who comes round.

Take the locks off your door and leave your door open to all and sundry? No? Then of course you have your own boundaries.

Stop trying to pretend it's in any way even remotely abnormal for an older woman not to want to invite the neighbour's kids tramping in and out of her house and garden all day

You deliberately worded the entire thing to try to make your MIL sound awful "forbidden" and now "exclusionary"

But "My MIL doesn't want the neighbour's kid tramping in and out of her house and garden all day when we visit and prefers to choose her own visitors" just doesn''t have the same melodramatic flair.

But it's the truth.

Actually, constantly interacting with your kids and not allowing them to develop any resourcefulness in entertaining themselves elsewhere is not the sole definition of "parenting"

It may be how you choose to raise yours, and you are obviously willing to risk all the potential problems this approach can lead to. But OP chooses to encourage her child to learn to entertain himself in a range or ways, including interacting with children of the same age in a social context. You can't imply she isn't a parent because she makes a different choice to you.

I don't actually know many parents who make themselves constantly available to play with their children, with no boundaries. You are entitled to think it's the pinnacle of "good parenting", but understand that not everybody would.

If they are in and out a lot, then I can see why MIL gets annoyed. Could there be a compromise where DS is allowed to go over for the first or last 2 hours or the friends come over for the first or last two hours?

Or perhaps the visit to MIL needs to be shortened? 7 hours every other Sunday is a lot. No wonder DS gets restless.

Make the visits shorter, visit less and give him more activities to take part in, or let him get bored.

And when he is at home then you get to decide who tramps in and out of your home and your garden all day.

You don't get to decide that for other people.

I’d reduce the visits. One whole day every other weekend is an awful lot for a child who has nothing much to do there and can’t even see his friends. I’d go once a month, tops. Let DH go alone, or with the one year old.

How on earth are OP or her son being horrible to her MIL? It's dull for OP's DS because the grandparents focus all their attention on the much younger children. Why should the visit need to be a test of endurance and loyalty for OP's son rather than an enjoyable visit where he can spend time with his grandparents and play with his friend next door when his grandparents stop interacting and engaging with him?

MIL sounds like a twat tbh and if I were OP, I'd massively cut down on these twice monthly, all-day visits.

I don’t get why your son is bored. Doesn’t he take books and toys to entertain himself? Don’t you and your DH interact with him? I used to love going to my grandparents and I don’t ever remember being bored.

i suspect he’s not bored at all but, knowing there are children next door, just wants to play with them and so isn’t settling at his grandparents. He’s old enough to understand it’s rude to go and visit someone and then leave to go elsewhere. He’s also old enough to understand his grandparents want to see their family not have random kids going in and out. And why did you let him have dinner at their house? That’s so rude 😮

Have a good talk with him and explain all of that. You could ask him how he’d feel if he invited some friends to his house and they just went round to the neighbours, ignored him, and didn’t even eat with him.

Going forward, either stop him visiting the child at all during your visits, arranging play dates with the child at separate times, or allow him to, say, go round to the child for an hour or so after lunch. Do not let the child into the grandparents house and don’t let your DS run to and fro.

Can't have a neighbour's kid walking in and out of his relative's house and garden all day, no.

Can see his friends when he's not in another person's home, yes.

And yes, shorter visits would suit everyone, I am very sure.

If he's visiting when other family, cousins etc are there then his grandparents are probably quite busy and are hardly going to be sitting on the floor playing with him exclusively. He can entertain himself, engage with the wider family or his parents.

I'd go home at 2pm every time for a play date for DS now. Fuck her and her attitude.

Every other week is a huge tie and 10-5 is all of the decent part of the day. Does your DS get no say at all in weekends?

Do you see your parents as much?

If they want him to stay, they need to entertain him. 6 year olds love games like jenga. If they aren't willing to do that, then I don't see why he can't go play with his friend. He isn't an ornament.

Exactly this! I couldn’t care less if my grandchildren wanted to play with their friends next door when they visited me! Any normal grandparent would enjoy seeing their grandchildren happy and having fun!

I do agree with her, sorry! She wants to see him but he wants see his friend next door, which means he’s not spending time with her! Eating with his friends family would annoy her too! She just wants to talk to him and spend time with him. To be honest my kids and their friends used to run in and out of the house to go backwards and forwards too and it is very annoying! If he wants play dates then you should facilitate those separately to mil’s visits!

I think there’s multiple things happening here.

Having a neighbour kid in and out during a family day is rude to me and MIL is perfectly within her rights to say no to this. You wanting to teach your child that all are welcome is an admirable aim but not something you get to do in someone else’s home or with someone else’s resources. That’s actually a lesson I wouldn’t want my child to learn. I also wouldn’t be ok with my child leaving a family gathering - it’s a family visit.

Having said that, why are the visits so long? If the family time is over and you’re fine for your child to leave, why are you all staying for hours more? Cap the visit at 3-4 hours, your child will be engaged for the visit and you don’t lose your whole day every other weekend. That is a long visit for a local grandparent.

I think you're both being unreasonable.

It's unreasonable for PILs to object to DS going to play with his friends on such a long visit when they are doing little to interact with him.

But you're being unreasonable to expect DS' friends to be welcome at your PILs and describe not being allowed to invite them as an exclusionary rule. It's not your house and it's not exclusionary to not also have a neighbours' children over when family are visiting. It's fine to say to DS that his friends are welcome to come to your house but this isn't your house so you shouldn't be inviting them over. I don't understand why you are tying yourself up in knots about that.

Can you come to a compromise where he has 2 hours with his friend in mil garden only?
Some older people's houses just aren't childproof and that could be an acceptable reason.
I'm in agreement OP and many grandparents would be pleased he has found a friend and want him to be able to develop that and actually see it as a responsibility- but not all people think like this. They may actively not want to get involved with their neighbours and that is their right. Do get them some playdates together though- these spontaneous friendships are so lovely for kids.