DP has invited his ex wife for Christmas dinner and says I’m being petty

I would tell him youve invited your ex too, and you’re thinking of inviting a few friends, and he has been taking you for granted. Christmas dinner is a huge workload and he’s decided on the guests and expecting you to deliver, so dinner is cancelled unless he plans to pull his weight. I don’t tolerate hypocrites, if he wants to keep dinner he can provide you with a long list of tasks and which he will do, and don’t forget presents just because he’s cooking or clean something for a change. Tell him next weekend we can go over his list and see if it feels like he expects you to be cook housekeeper slave host while he gets mad at you for expecting a say on the guest list, or if he’s planning to pull his weight. I’d say firmly I’ll happily host my ex and friends if I cancel it on all the family. You and the dcs are still welcome even if you don’t plan to even begin to pull your weight since I’m generous and kind, but I won’t be taken the piss out of.

I would do this, I would not host for this level of selfish entitlement. Why the fuck are you doing most of the work while he is mad at you for wanting to be consulted on the guest list?

If you would have said yes if he asked you, then you are being petty about it.

No. She's refusing to be taken for granted.

He voluntold OP that his ex was coming for one of the big events of the year in their shared home.

I think that's big enough to rethink the whole relationship. He doesn't respect OP's opinion, doesn't feel she should be consulted about events in her own home, and she's expected to go above and beyond because well, he doesn't. He's basically telling her it's his way or he calls her names.

He takes her completely for granted. I don't know about you but anybody who voluntells me gets a big no for an answer. It's extremely disrespectful.

He unfortunately sounds like one of those men who gets a woman to live with to do the work around the home, events included, and likes to play the big man good guy inviting his poor lonely ex while expecting OP to work like a damn dog.

Bit of a fairytale you've woven there. Guilts women into putting up with shit men? I'm not sure if you have reading comprehension problems, but I said she should be charitable at Christmas towards someone who's on their own. Yes, he should have discussed it with her, but guess what, life and people aren't perfect all the time.

VERY weird that you extrapolated my opinion on one day to an entire way if being. But if being negative and making up fairy stories about other people's characters and lives, makes you feel good, you carry on. Sounds like a depressing way to be, but that's your look-out.

And btw, OP already said that she is cooking. And I was clear that she should reach out to welcome the woman because currently the invitation has only come from him. Nothing to do with sexism. Put your pitch-fork away. Not everything is about doing women down, you know.

Even better. Tell him you've always wanted to invite your ex but didn't because you didn't want to ruffle any feathers but now that you know it's ok you did.

Rather than asking him to make a conscious effort to understand, that way you can find out whether he does or not.

OP, I would seriously be careful of any relationship advice on here. MN is full of people who refuse to see men as human beings and will look for the absolute worst interpretation of everything they do, culminating in always advocating for the end of the relationship. There are some posters on MN who profoundly hate men and do not agree with any woman being in a committed relationship with one. Your DP did a kind-hearted thing and probably didn't discuss it with you because he didn't want to be held back from this charitable act and risk his children not benefiting from the idea. Yes, of course he should have discussed it with you, of course.

To say that you should consider ending the relationship is utterly ridiculous. Just calmly tell him that she's welcome but could he please discuss these things with you first in future, since it affects your Christmas too.

Don't be conned by some of the over-reactive, deeply negative misandrists on here into thinking he's some dreadful terrible person for not wanting the mother of his kids to sit home alone at Christmas. I'm sure that some posters on here delight in ruining relationships. I actually think that MN is the worst website you could choose for relationship advice. It's much better with child stuff, practical stuff, and life/hobby stuff.

When I read advice like this, I understand why there are so many divorces.

Why does the OP have any obligation to be charitable towards her partners ex wife and why on earth should the OP be obliged to contact the ex wife and extend a warm invitation to her.

The OP may not be comfortable having this woman in her house and she may want to keep the partners ex at arms length. The ex is probably not someone she wants at her family Christmas. The partner has massively overstepped here and failed to respect appropriate boundaries.

She will always be family, she is the mother of two of his children!

He should have asked you first but I think it would be a nice thing to do.

Asking for a divorce because your partner called out your hypocrisy seems like an overreaction. Having the ex drop by unannounced would be as well.

Asking him how he would feel if she did the same seems fair to me.

Oh dear!Someone has read such a lot into the situation. I wonder if OP agrees with your description of her husband.
If he always behaves kike this,you have a point. But she doesn't suggest he does. And he is thinking of his girls,which OP accepts. Of course he should have talked to her but he likely didn't think. She has the right to feel angry,but I don't think she expected to be told to tbink about leaving him!

You can call it petty but sometimes a taste of their own medicine is the only way to get the message across,

YANBU nor are you being in the slightest bit petty. He sounds like a PITA and you sound as though you’re accustomed to having to humble yourself before him. I do hope that I’m wrong but, if I’m not, then please stop letting him treat you so badly, OP x

"he should have discussed it with me first, its a decision that affects both of us."

Quite. You know that to be true OP. I think explaining to him that this lack of communication is deeply disrespectful and that he will need to take on the lion's share of Christmas is the best way forward in this particular circumstance. He made a unilateral decision and expected you to carry all the burden of it. If he had shared the idea and talked to you about it and not invited her without your consent, it would have been very different. And so it is for him to carry the consequences of that and to have to do the lion's share of family Christmas work. Unfortunately, he has behaved in a classicaly giant child manner and, as you know, children don't need berating, they need to learn by consequences. He needs to feel the weight of disrespcting you so much and making unilateral decision all the while expecting you to rescue him and gaslighting you when you objected. He needs to be in charge of Christmas. You need to take yourself off out to do relaxing and enjoyable things in the run up to Christmas so you don't get unjustifiably roped into feeling guilty and saving him. He needs to expereince what ti is like to be in charge of Christmas.

How well do you get on with your ex? If you invited him would he come? Would your kids be excited and happy to have him there? If the answers to these questions are positive then do invite him. How can your "D"P possibly say no.

Also, why are you doing all the work? Start working out how to delegate right now. He doesn't get to sit back and be Mein Host while doing fuck all

You clearly are the skivvy and as you do it all he expects you to accommodate anyone he asks.

He hasn't the very basic respect of you, to check with you.

Did you move in very quickly with him?
If so, it's a mistake.

He cares more about her than you and assumes you skivving for one more person at Christmas, is no more than you can expect.

You must be quite mad to accept so liitle.
I would be be completely dropping the rope and tell him he can sort out Christmas this year.

3 years and you are the skivvy, madness.
You deserve better.

She can be annoyed he didn’t ask, she can have discussions with him about checking with her first in future, she can have a general discussion about him pulling his weight with the Christmas load. But, if she is saying no, suggesting the woman comes for an hour then goes home to an empty house rather than sitting at their dinner table, when she herself has said it will make little difference to her workload and she would have said yes if he asked, then she is being petty.

OP, one year I was heavily pregnant, planning a home birth, had other preschoolers, and my DH came home and announced he had invited guests to stay in the little alcove off our living room for two weeks. Not even family. He was 'just trying to be helpful' he told me. I told him it wasn't helpful to me at all.

I made arrangements to go stay with my parents with the children, birth there if necessary. He would have to do all the cooking, washing, shopping and entertaining involved in having guests. All of a sudden it didn't look so attractive.

"But I've already invited them and they've accepted!" He exclaimed. I told him he'd just have to uninvite them then.

The moral of this story - when the reality of their not thinking hits them, they learn. He's never done anything like that again.

Your DH needs to carry his full load in preparing for Christmas and organising everything. He needs to have to put his money where his mouth is. And you need to invite your ex.

@CrazyMidget So in your rant against MN misandry you go to the opposite extreme and tell the OP how kind-hearted her husband is, although "yes of course he should have discussed it with you".

So he should have discussed it with the OP, everyone's agreed, but then this kind-hearted man...
"When I said I wasn’t comfortable with it he got quite annoyed and said I was being petty and making something nice into an issue."

No, the OP does not need to LTB over this, but she also doesn't need to be gaslit into thinking she's being petty in the face of her husband's "kind-hearted", as you describe it, behaviour. He was disrespectful of his wife and doubled down on it when she objected. It's not a LTB situation, of course not, but it is a LTB to step up and sort out Christmas... and also to apologise to his wife for being inconsiderate rather than presenting himself as lovely, nice considerate ex and having a pop at his wife for being "petty". If she lets it just slide, why would it ever stop?

As a child from a broken marriage, I loved when my mum invited my dad over on Christmas Day. Usually when his (then current) girlfriend had sacked him off. Try to take your feelings out of it!

Telling a woman to put herself last? How original.

Excellent approach. Did he disinvite them?

This is such a cop out. Of course men know the impact of inviting their ex wife to Christmas.

He just didn’t give a shit about OP’s feelings.