DP has invited his ex wife for Christmas dinner and says I’m being petty

This is your life now. You will now spend your life kowtowing to an arsehole and have dragged your kids to live with this arsehole. He puts himself first, then his "ex" and kids, then maybe you, then maybe your kids.

Your daughters will move out asap. You will always be second best.

Your choice is to end the relationship, or to say no and mean it. And then not be moved a single inch.

This is not the first of your battles, obviously. And it won't be the last of many, as he is a thoughtless, selfish arsehole.

This is your life now.

yanbu, especially as he didn’t ask first - that’s the real issue.

Ask him if he’d enjoy having your ex round for the day without consulting him and while he did all the hosting for your ex.

Definitely invite your ex. You have been called petty, after all.

@IcyPortal Anyway a few days ago he mentioned that his ex wife would be coming for Christmas dinner as well. I actually thought he was joking at first and said what do you mean coming for dinner?

Why did you ask "what do you mean coming for dinner?"

I think it should be very clear what it means when X is coming for dinner. It means that they are going to your house to eat food. It can't mean anything else.

Not you again 🙄

Tell him that you don’t mind having her there but you do mind not being involved in the decision. I know a few people who invite their ex around for Xmas if they’ve got kids. It’s great for them and is a good example to them if everyone is civilised. I’d crack on but tell him he must include you in these decisions in future.

Your partner is a first class twatbag cunt. How dare he presume that he can blithely invite the ex wife into your home on Christmas and then expect you fo do the running around and cooking and cleaning.

Fuck that and fuck him for being such a thoughtless twat. If he wants her there then he can now be told that he can deal with the cooking cleaning and preparation.

If he has his way you will end up spending Christmas day as the unpaid skivvy / cook while he plays happy families with his ex and their kids in your home. I would absolutely be making clear to him now that this is not happening. Even if he promises now to do all the hosting and the cooking and the running around, you can bet that when if comes to it he will sulk and refuse to do anything.

You need to make a stand here @IcyPortal or he will continue to treat you like you don't matter.
Don't be a doormat. It's never appreciated and people who purport to love you will just escalate their demands. Like your husband just has.

He didn’t tell you first because he knew it was iffy and you wouldn’t like it, but he wanted her there for the kids and wanted to be Mr Expansive (aka keeping all his wives happy). You have to now just let her be there. I’d be super nice but probably make sure I was quite draped all over him.

I get on wonderful with my dh ex wife, do Xmas etc every year. Started of for the kids and ended up being a good friendship. She got married last year and her dh also comes now. I would rather the kids see a happy family trying to get on than war of the roses

Yep. Nobody at all will remember or care that she broke her back trying to get Christmas organised. And he will keep escalating his demands, as she has shown him he can.

He should ask, but unless there's a specific problem with her, I'd ok it. If you were talking about a woman he'd cheated on you with, that is different, but if they'd split up long before you met and there's been nothing between them since, it shouldn't be odd.

Your “d” p has many red flags you’ve ignored or not saying d anything about due to not wanting to cause a fuss… major red flags for abusive coercive controlling behaviour. I’d do a bit of reading up on this if I was you personally and remove yourself and your children away from someone like this! Was your ex abusive as well? We often end up going for the same abusive type again and again until we learn how to change the cycle

I consider my exH my family and we regularly do things together with both sides of our shared children's family and my BF.
If parents can be in the same space for special occasions they absolutely should do for their kids.
I do think however he should have mentioned it to you before making the arrangements, but equally I wouldn't make a big deal of it.
If there is no bad blood between them and you and her, and he knows this, maybe he wasnt expecting you to have any issue with it as a concept?

You're missing the point. She said if he'd asked first, she likely would have agreed. It's the fact that he didn't ask, he told her AFTER he'd arranged it, OP will be the one doing all the donkey work, and he argued with her and called her petty just because she wanted the bare minimum of respect and consideration in her relationship.

It doesn't matter who the guest is - one partner shouldn't be inviting anyone extra to Christmas dinner without consulting the other.

he does sometimes agree to things with her or the girls and then tell me afterwards.

So he's done this before, and now it's including major things. That's because you haven't made an issue about it and now when you say anything, he calls you names. That's him trying to get you to back off.

He's in the wrong here. He should have asked if you were comfortable with that instead of presenting you with a done deal. And it's going to get worse now that he's gotten away with this.

You're not friendly with ex. This is going to put an uncomfortable vibe at your dinner in your house. Your "partner" does little, you'll be doing the grunt work. He'll put in your work to please his ex and look like the good guy. He thinks it's ok for you to serve her and cater to her.

Time for that to change. He pays for a home catered dinner for everybody and he's going to be doing the heavy lifting. You work late, you don't have the time or energy.

I'd seriously rethink this relationship. He holds no respect for you and your opinion doesn'tatter and he expects you to jump at his command.

Lots of posters saying how they do Christmas with blended families and that's all well and good but the point is you surely discussed this as a partnership first? OP had this situation thrust upon her without any consideration for her views. She is also somehow expected to do all the heavy lifting on the day. Seriously before you post about how it works well for your families think about whether your situation is remotely comparable to OP's.

I disagree, but then thats because I am very much a "more the merrier" type and anyone who would otherwise be unhappily alone is welcome at my table.
I do get why others may find that rude or disrespectful, I just personally wouldn't.

Yes, he's training her to shut up and do as she is told, and the training has been going well up until now.

And her daughters get to see their mother being trained to be a good, obedient servant too, and to understand their place in the pecking order, which is at the bottom as their stepfather holds all the power.

As he has form for this behaviour I think I would not be backing down from saying that his ex is not coming to Christmas dinner. His behaviour towards you when you call him out on something is concerning.
At some point he has got to understand that he can't just agree to someone with his ex and then tell you!
There is an established pattern to Christmas arrangements between him and his ex. Whilst it's a shame his ex has split with her partner, it's not his problem to fix
Alternatively, can you leave him and his family to it and go and stay with your sister for Christmas?
I would also be reconsidering the relationship.

He knew she would say no, then it's all the more reason not to invite his ex. He's not responsible for her finding something to do on Christmas Day. She wouldn't be alone if they stuck to the usual tradition of the children going to her part of the day and him part of the day.

I have invited people who aren't family to have lunch with us on Christmas Day because I knew they would be alone. So I'm not uncharitable. I think I can see why this guy's first marriage ended.

I do think it's nice if 'split' families can come together for the sake of the children but it's a separate issue. Your partner should have agreed it with you first. He isn't showing respect by agreeing things privately with his ex and then letting you in on the plan. It's your home, your holiday and your right to say no. It sounds like you wouldn't have said no but that's not the point.

I would tell him you want to talk about why he keeps disrespecting you like that.

That is not helpful. Abd such an overreaction. Of course she is upset .He should have discussed it with her.But to suggest she reconsiders her future i like capital punishment for breaking abd entering an empty house.