Are we being unreasonable not to buy my sister's stepdaughter a car and insurance

🙄

Here you go.

As a step child with half and step siblings. I disagree.

A good parent will raise their child to understand the different family dynamics a well rounded child will understand that they have family members the others don’t and in reverse. They will all understand and times their sibling (half step other) will get things they don’t from their own family.

A bad parent raised their child to expect and feel entitled too other peoples families wealth and time rather than be happy that they give more than often their own family does. That’s a failure on the parent not the child or the “step” family.

edit to add

its always then the step family is well off in comparison. Funny enough as well. Nobody is arguing over a £39 vs £45 Lego but when a step family can afford more suddenly everyone’s gold digging and grabby.

I think the children should be treated the same. The SD will remember she isn’t considered ‘part of your family’

I suspect your sister has been telling her stepdaughter that she’ll be getting a car and now is embarrassed.

I agree with you and your mum.

the precedent your mum set was a grandchild being bought a car by the grandmother. So following this pattern, the step grandchild in question should have been bought a car by her biological grandmother. And the insurance paid for by her biological aunt,

Your brother. SD’s mum and dad should pitch in and get her what they think she should have. To put that expectation on you and your mum is unreasonable

Im a step child, am now in my late 30s but have had the same step mum since I was 4. We are really close, saw her today actually after she drove 1.5 hours to visit me. Same step dad since I was 10. Again we are very close. Love them both a lot. Am also very close to step siblings as in still have sleep overs at my step sisters house as adults and choose to go on holiday together frequently. Their children call me aunty. See them as my siblings. Would never expect to be treated the same as my step siblings by their extended family as I have my own extended family on both sides. Would always receive token gifts and felt happy to be accepted and thought about by step parents wider family, never expected it though. As an adult I still receive gifts and give gifts to step parents extended family but not expensive gifts, more little tokens of thought and love.

Would maybe feel different if i lived full time with one parent and a step parent and didn't have another parent / atep parent or family i was part of...however I will never know, and doesnt seem to be OPs wider family situation either.

What a bizarre family setup

No you’re not being unreasonable your sisters step child has a whole other family that can help with a car and insurance. Stick to your guns and don’t change your mind. It’s a lot of money also.

While the step-daughter may be, and should be, treated the same by your sister, the relationship is different with you and your mum. In my eyes anyway. I wouldn’t be buying my sister’s step-daughter a car either, if she splits with the dad you’ll likely never see her again. Unless you are particularly close to her, I don’t think it’s odd at all - she obvs has her own mum, family etc. What is more odd is your sister’s grabby attitude..

She has a whole other family potentially whole other set of grandparents and whole other parent who she spends half the time with. So no it isn’t on OP and her mum to buy the car and insurance

There's part of the family and part of the family.

The girl sees a lot less of OP and OP 's mother, than OP 's nephews do. She is presumably treated well when she's with OP and her step-GM, and joins in family events when they're during her dad's time. But a relationship like this is really unlike the relationship between a grandparent and grandchild. Expecting a grandmother to spend £12k on a child that they see infrequently is entirely unreasonable.

OP 'sister presumably spends 50% of her time with her SD, so has formed a secure relationship with her. But the grandmother, however kind, will not have had all that time to reach a relationship that is similar to the one she has with her Grandsons who she sees more often .

Yes the GM should include the girl in family events, but she does not have to spend that amount of money on her.

Do the step daughters grandparents give there step grand children exactly the same as she gets?

I agree with you, I woild never expect my sons step mum's parents to buy him a bloody car! Wouldn't even cross my mind even if they bought his step sister a brand new Bentley!

Relevance?

But why, at any point over the last 11 years, did you not have a conversation with your sister to say that you weren't saving for her step-daughter and that she wouldn't be getting large presents from you? If you've been attempting to make the girl think she's been getting equal-value presents all this time, it should have been made clear,at least to your sister, that this wasn't actually the case! I don't disagree with not spending thousands on her, but I do disagree with not making it clear from the start.

Tbh I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. The stepdaughter also has her mum’s family.

I think you've been really mean and considering this girl has been a part of your family for most of her life I can't imagine how shit this has made her feel. Talk about making it clear she's an outsider.
Does her father/grandparents contribute to her living expenses equally? I'd understand more if they did but if you are her sole family that's awful.
Either way, £100 is extremely tight. I'm not surprised your sister is upset. You should have considered her right from the beginning when you did this to the first sibling.
I bet Christmas and birthdays are awful for her too.

Hindsight says you should have told your sister you weren't in a positive to do the same for her stepdaughter long before your sister and the young woman might have been planning on you doing the same for her.

Does the 18 year old need a car at the minute? If she's say at college with good public transport she maybe doesn't need one right now. (Or the ongoing maintenance/petrol/insurance costs) Are your nephews going to end up helping her out financially to buy one? Can you offer her a loan?

This child has been in your sister's life since the girl was 7. That's 11 years. I can see why your sister feels they should be treated the same. But, you said the girl's mum earns a lot more than your sister so, in this case, I think it's up to her mum to buy her a car. If she had no other family, I think it would be awful not to treat her the same as your nephews but here, she's surely going to be treated to something from her mum? (Maybe not a car. Maybe there's a reason her mum hasn't offered to buy her one? If it's become a problem, it's really something for your sister's husband to discuss with her ex. She should back right out of it.)

But you're not thinking about the girl. For over 10 years she's been thinking that you ARE treating her the same, because you said yourself that you've been keeping the university fees secret from her. So it must have come as an awful blow when she compared what she got from you compared to what her step-brothers got. With no warning. I feel sorry for her.

Exactly! I'm usually on the side of making sure blended children feel loved and included, but your sister is expecting too much here @SheLovesThat .