Are we being unreasonable not to buy my sister's stepdaughter a car and insurance

To avoid exactly this situation! So that the OP's sister could have told her years ago that her step brothers were being given enormous gifts from their grandmother and aunt, but she needed to manage expectations. There isn't the same family link, so they're not going to spend the same. It might be obvious to adults, but she was a child seeing her step-brothers getting cars for passing their tests. She needed to be told in advance that this wasn't going to happen, not be disappointed on the day.

This shouldn't need spelling out to you.

Yanbu your sister and her husband are grabby cheeky fuckers.

By not having to sub her own sons you’ve already helped her with her step child.

Tbh it should've been obvious to the sister.

Ive said this so many time… I was this girl once, and my step dad’s sister and her husband (my ‘aunt and uncle’) treated me and my sister the exact same and as step dad’s daughters. I had my own dad and other family too. I messaged my uncle recently to thank him for being so wonderful to us, they always made me feels so welcome and loved. He replied saying of course they treated us the same, we were great kids etc etc.

I think you aren’t obliged to do anything you don’t want to. But the feeling of rejection or love and acceptance will stay with your step niece. It’s not being grabby and entitled, it’s much more than that.

Has this girl's aunt spent £2k on your nephews? If so YABVU (or I suppose £1k each seeing as there are 2 of them). Maybe she chipped in for their flat deposit.... if not they are being cheeky fuckers and you crack on.

DstepFIL gives his actual GC £££ cash for bday etc, he buys mine really thoughtful books/magazine subscriptions. I think nothing except how thoughtful and kind.

This is not the first step child my sister has had. She had a step son years ago who my nephews grew close to. She split with his dad and none of us got to see him again.

@SheLovesThat hahaha. That makes it even worse. Your sister is a absolute nutcase given this history. That was my point exactly. If there is a divorce the stepchild will disappear from your lives because you are nothing to her and she is nothing to you. For her to give you the silent treatment is crazy. Have you pointed out about the disappearing stepson? I wouldn't even bother discussing it with her. She's entitled and sulking on behalf of a child who is primarily the responsibility of her biological parents, your sisters lesser responsibility a step mother but zero responsibility of yours.

My mum has decided to leave everything in her will to her GC.

Good for your mum. A wise woman.

Wtf! Feelings of rejection because you don't get a car on your 18th birthday! Maybe HER grandmother/mother will buy her one?

@SheLovesThat Your sister is a CF!

You’ve literally spent thousands on your nephews/grandchildren, and given a generous gift to your sister’s stepchild, and yet you’re still being called ‘tight’. Laughable.

Your sister is entirely in the wrong here. She had no business making the assumptions she did. Let her sulk. YANBU.

There’s a difference between her parent/step parent treating all the kids the same and the entire wider family treating them the same. The former is a given, the latter absolutely not. SD is not your mums GC, simple as.

Yes, yes really. Because this is her grandma by marriage! By marriage she is part of this family. It’s not about the money, it really isn’t, it’s about being treated as part of the family, and this family give out 12k cars! (Mine didn’t, lol).

YANBU. It's not the same relationship. Your nephews and their stepsister don't have the same family. That's just the way it is. If people don't like it, they shouldn't be 'blending' their families.

Did that extend to them buying you a car or a gift of similar value?

She's not thier grandchild though. She's thier daughters husbands daughter. Why on earth would she be treated the same?

Do her grandparents spend the save on Ops nephews as thier granddaughter? I really doubt it.

You’ll be told you aren’t being unreasonable…they don’t see step kids as real people with feelings on here, but I think if you can reasonably afford it and it isn’t going to impact your finances then you should do it.

The step daughter is family, and by not treating her like her siblings (because they are siblings even if they don’t have the same mum), you are drawing a line in the sand with her. It could change your whole family dynamics for the sake of refusing to see her as a real neice

No but they didn’t do that for their biological nieces.

OP has said She lives with her mum half of the time so we don’t see as much of her.

It's ridiculous to expect a grandparent to treat a daughter's step child who she doesn't see often, in the same way that she treats her grandchildren, who she sees much more often and is closer to.

So not similar to the op’s situation at all

I wish there was an eye roll button. No one is obliged to do anything… my point is that is the kind and loving thing to do is to treat step-children the same.

I agree it's not really reasonable for your Mum to pay £12k for a car or you £2k for insurance but £100 each is a bit mean if this girl has been in your life for 12 years that's most of her life. I would have at least given £250 or in your Mum's case £1k.

Well i wouldn't have given anything to any of them (maybe a card and a petrol voucher for like 30 quid if i was feeling flush).

I absolutely wouldn't expect you or tou mother to spend an equal amount on your step-niece as you have on your biological nephews... BUT I do find the disparity glaring. £100 if she was new to the family would be generous, but she's been part of the family for the vast majority of her life. I think maybe you could have stretched a bit further so the divide wasn't so obvious. Do you spend vastly less on her at birthdays and Christmas?

I do however think your sister is a CF for even bringing it up though and even moreso re the will conversation. I have a step-child and I don't EXPECT anyone to treat him the same as my biological kids... but i also don't think I could personally warrant a difference in spend by £1900 if it were me spending on my siblings stepkids.

Has your sister ever insinuated before that she expected your help with her stepdaughter?

If I was your sister, then I’d do my best to get her on the road and it might mean one of the boys missing out on something to level the playing field.

That didn't quite hit the way you thought it would did it? 😂Love it when a bit of crappy manipulation falls flat.

YANBU @SheLovesThat you don't need to do the same. Your SD is old enough to understand why.

There is a big difference between £14,000 , or £28,000 if you cost it out for both the boys, and £100!

I think between you you could have been a bit lot more generous to a child you have known for 11 years and watched grow up as a part of your family. Maybe between you you could have offered the insurance costs as you did with the boys.

At bare minimum, Dsis was wrong to make assumptions.