Are we being unreasonable not to buy my sister's stepdaughter a car and insurance

Yes and she also has the disadvantage of a split family, and the financial disadvantage that we know for certain comes with that. And then to learn that she is considered “less than”.

Be nicer.

Considering my Auntie once returned something to Poundland for a refund, YANBU

Id be devastated if my step children were treated differently to my own. This thread has definitely made me think to have these conversations before we get to big present time.

To avoid hurting a child who's been part of the family since she was 7?

Her nephews could vanish overnight 🤷‍♀️ also OP pays insurance, it was £1200 for my sons first year last year.

If your sister got another new family you wouldn’t need to do it for the new ones, because they wouldn’t have seen the siblings getting stuff so wouldn’t be being sidelined and treated like less than.

making up hypotheticals doesn’t change things. You could have made an effort for your niece - you didn’t have to, there was no obligation, but by not making the effort you’ve basically said she is less than, and not really family. It’s just a bit sad to me

To me it makes a difference that your step-niece doesn't live with your sister full-time, and that you imply that you and your mum don't have a close relationship with her.

I have nephews and nieces, and couldn't afford to have given them lump sums in the way you and your mum have done for your nephews. (Kudos to you both for doing that!) I did pay a small amount into savings accounts for each of them from when they were babies until they were 18yo. Would I have done the same if a step-child had joined my sibling's family at a young age? I honestly don't know. But quite possibly I wouldn't have done so if the step-child was living half the time with their other biological parent.

So I don't think you are being unreasonable, OP. And I hope your sister comes to see it your way too - especially given the info about her stepson who has disappeared from all your lives.

Have you seen the price of used cars? Especially if they are 21/22 means it was post covid when they passed and it was around the time of the part shortage which was causing used cars to skyrocket. One of my children is similar age and I spent 10k on their 6 year old car yet it cost me 7k to get a similar 2 year old car for their sibling pre covid/part shortage.

My friends daughter got a 16k car after passing, nothing wrong with giving a nice reliable car if you can afford it.

As for the OP, I believe the households the blended children live in should treat all the children equally, I don’t think this has to extend to extended family, that’s for the extended family to choose.

Your sister is entitled and rude, the silent treatment proves this.

The girls mother might not want her being given a car. It’s not your call. Very presumptive of your sister to assume.

YANBU.

When sd has gifts and holidays off moms side of the family do they send the same for nephews?
Didn’t think so.

You and your mum have been generous and reasonable. Treating step children differently within the family on a daily basis, birthdays, Christmas, days out, holidays etc. is unkind especially if one side of the family is wealthier than the other - as long as that child remains is in the family they are of equal status.

Treating them differently when it comes to passing down generational wealth is completely different, and big gifts like cars and education come into that category. Any reasonable step parent should know and prepare for this - either by managing the step-child's expectations or turning down the gifts for the other children. This is DSis's problem to manage.

Hardly the same circumstances.

Yabu

That's just laughable! Does she expect that the stepdaughters grandparents would treat your nephews equally in thier wills? Or is it only rich relatives that are expected to share everything?

Then we had/have different social circles 🤷🏻‍♀️

My mum bought my eldest an inexpensive second hand car (before the price of used cars exploded). By the time my younger DD passed her test, my mum couldn't buy her one due to changed circumstances. Obviously I should have kicked off, but instead DH and I scraped the money together to even things up.

Different reasons, but this girl's mum or maternal grandparents can potentially even things up.

It's a bit shit she's being treated differently.
I have children and step children and DH and my my parents treat them all the same

so in that case the step child’s mother should be buying the step child’s step siblings presents etc too and their family spending the same amount on them as they do on their own family and the step child? To make it only fair

I'm not badly off, but no one in my direct acquaintance had a car bought for them by their parents. I

This. And giving you the silent treatment is next level ingratitude. I would back right off on the money front.

If the situation was altered, what would your sister expect?

Say the SD was the eldest and her mum had bought her a car - would your sister and her partner feel they had to buy cars for their two sons to ensure fairness? Would they ask SD's mum to contribute if they couldn't afford it? I'm guessing not...

It's just the reality that, in step families, there is not going to be the same equal starting point that there is for families without stepchildren.

You have been incredibly generous to your nephews and your sister is very unreasonable.

No, they should be treated equally.

So the SD has a mother, father, SM and grandparents that should look at the situation and make it equal.

Why on earth should the step Aunt and step grandparents be the ones forking out?? That's absolutely nuts.

Children should be treated the same.

Hence why I said ‘in my social circle’. What’s normal is environment dependent.

Besides, that others can’t afford it doesn’t mean that those that can shouldn’t do it.