Single dad looking for advice about birthday party issue.

It isn't up to parents to message other parents explaining why their dc isn't invited, it is so inappropriate.

Just dont invite them but again try and use tact and don't make them the only exclusion.

Really? How was it horrible? He could easily have listed all of the reasons why the boy isn't invited, but he subtly euphemised it in a tactful way that the mother will be well aware of. From what OP has explained, the autism and the behaviour isn't the main problem; it's the disconnected, uninterested non-parenting.

She needs to understand that, if she refuses to parent her child properly, he will miss out. I said the same thing on the similar thread a while back about the boy in the class who was a bully - likely no ND - who was specifically excluded from OP's child's party because the party was meant to be a lovely special day for the birthday child and not a punishment.

This seems a reasonable compromise

She does need a reality check! No one should be subjected to his violent outbursts. And yes I do know what I am talking about as my son is autistic and can get very stimulated and throw things at strangers. He nearly threw some dinner plates at fellow guests in a pub once about 10 years ago. He could’ve seriously injured someone. Yes he’s autistic but that is NOT free pass to be violent and scare other children. And there is absolutely NO need to insult the OP!!!

Does your daughter need to invite the whole class? Couldn't she invite 15 or so, then he wouldn't be the only one left out? I understand his behaviour is difficult but to be the only child not invited in the whole class is pretty awful 😕

Oops. I missed that you sent the message.
The mother lacks social awareness by not removing her DC when he gets overwhelmed by other children, starts hitting out, so I admire your directness. I wouldn't have the guts to do it.

Yes, indeed. If the child with the issues had happened to be a girl, would people have told OP to only let his DD invite boys to her party?

But it’s clear that the parent will bring him and not deal with the issues so this isn’t a compromise, it’s just inviting them anyway.

Tbh you were damned by most people whichever way you dealt with it…
If you didn’t invite him but didn’t acknowledge the problem at all, people would have said you were harsh…
If you invited him and he ruined the party people would have said you shouldn’t have invited him anyway.
In your shoes I probably would have invited all the girls and did something with her male best friend separately, a cinema trip or something, but I’m a bit of a chicken!
It’s your daughter’s party and she shouldn’t have it spoilt by a child whose parent should know that he doesn’t cope in those environments.
I doubt she will take your message well, and she may get other parents to agree with her at least publicly that he shouldn’t have been excluded but you’ve tried your best.
Hope your daughter has a great party!

I have a disabled child. You absolutely can exclude this child from the party invites. Its not about the child its about his parents placing him in situations that he cant manage and then not removing him quickly when there is an issue. It is the parents fault he wont be invited not the childs.
If my child couldnt manage something like a npisy busy party i might try but as soon as he got distressed i would remove him and go home. No blame for the child, obviously not their fault, we would just go and do something else instead and if i didnt think they would cope with leaving i wouldnt take them in the first place.
I wouldnt explain to the parents either. They have made their bed. They have to deal with the consequenses.

Rubbish.

If his behaviour is the only behaviour that needs to be excluded, then why should others suffer by being excluded too?

Ridiculous suggestion, cruel to the well behaved children and the reason for a lot of the lack of empathy that is about. Kids are growing up knowing things like this are unjust, but having no voice to prevent it.

I think the point of messaging rather than speaking f2f or at the school gate was so that words couldn't be misremembered or taken up wrongly

@tomWh this is an incredibly tough call to make but on the whole I agree with you & what you decided, I'm a teacher & have worked with SEN kids both in mainstream classes &/or in smaller groups for over 10 years & I would say, as has been echoed on this thread already, most parents who have children with additional needs know what the children can & can't cope with, this parent doesn't seem to fall into that category

I hope the party goes well & there's no snide or spikey remarks at the school gate going forward but at the end of the day your daughter & her safety is your priority

I like this option. You'd have to be quite courageous to do it, but it seems decent.

By year 2, they’ll have a main group of friends. It would be unusual at that age for the whole class to be their close friends, so just invite a smaller group. Unless this is another autism bashing thread from a different angle…. It’s been done before and deleted.

My children were in a class of 17/18 at that age. We invited about 7 kids from school, then cousins and friends from hobbies.

Whole class parties are usually in reception before they’ve made their friends ime.

I asked upthread, but its maybe been missed.

I just wondered - where is the party being held? Are other parents staying? How many 'helpers' have you enlisted for the 19 children going?

My DS was obsessed with tiny balls as a toddler. We went to my aunt'sparty where they had bingo for entertainment, he wanted the tray of balls. I removed him and tried again, he darted for the tray. DH lifted him and we left. Children like adults don't have the right to destroy another person's special day for any reason.

Now I agree it is awful for the little boy, but he has been extremely violent towards my daughter on several occasions

Why should your DD put up with someone potentially being violent towards her at her own birthday party just so "nobody's feelings get hurt?"
Screw that. He wouldn't be getting an invite. Actions can have consequences (even if he can't help his actions)

That's really difficult. I would be inclined not to invite him, to explain to the mum why and put my tin hat on. I know it sounds cold, but watching your child's party being destroyed especially knowing that it was probably going to happen, isn't the answer either. You could invite half of the class instead of the whole class, but then your daughter is compromising on having the people that she wants there. On the one hand the mum is right to advocate for her child and making sure that he isn't excluded generally but a private party is different. It sounds like he's clearly overwhelmed in these settings and she might be so intent on him not being excluded, that she isn't doing what is best for him by dragging him along regardless. Alternatively could you tell her that while he is invited, she will have to take him home if there is a repeat of the previous party or if its clearly too much for him.

I think this child’s mother does need a reality check. Either she is fully aware that her child is ruining other children’s parties, being violent and attacking other children and just….doesn’t care, or she’s minimising the disruption he actually causes. I think you’ve done the right thing op.

Glad to hear you have plenty of helpers. You will need them! Prep as much as you can in advance, as you will have so many talking to you all at once.

I think speaking to the Mum, in a friendly way, but being firm about what she would do if he starts getting overwhelmed again is the way to go. If you don't like the answer you are within your rights to say.. I don't think this is a suitable event for him.
But its a party for yoru DD first and foremost.

I suspect this poor kid has sensory issues that make the over stimulating environment and noise of a party just too much. The mother needs to try noise muffling headphones - they could be a real game changer for this boy. Obviously, that is not your problem!

I personally would never just leave one child out even though I don't think his behaviour (even though I think I may understand it and empathise) should just be tolerated - in your situation I would just invite the girls and maybe one two boys she gets on better with.

It’s a tricky situation. My kid has autism and tbh it was a relief when he never got invited to things as it was just walking on eggshells for me as his mum hovering around him to make sure he wasn’t being a pain in the arse. He himself was generally oblivious if he wasn’t invited though which makes it easier. Mum in this case may be either not that great a mum or on the other hand it’s sad to think of your kid getting excluded for something that’s not their fault. But while he has a right to inclusion at school he doesn’t have a right ti be included in people’s social lives. You might want to check that the school won’t have an issue with party invites to all but one child being handed out, it might be fairer to cut the list a bit more.