Single dad looking for advice about birthday party issue.

Where is it being held? A venue, or have you got 19 kids, a bouncy castle, inflatables, food tables etc and a bunch of adults in your garden?

Does it matter?

You can’t invite the whole class bar 1 child, that’s awful! Bouncy castles get overwhelming anyway so prob better to just go with half the class, surely she doesn’t play with everyone anyway? I’ve got a child with SEN and turn down parties I know he won’t cope with, it makes me sad to think I have to hide him from society but I’m old enough to know people don’t understand him and they want their parties without him.

Spot on! I stopped taking my autistic child to parties years ago. It isn’t fair on them and it isn’t fair on everyone else.

Your message was perfect .
The reality is what it is, it's absolute nonsense for anyone to wring their hands about excluding one child in these circumstances.

The behaviour described at previous parties shows that the child is not enjoying himself and simply cannot cope in these social situations.
This is something his parents must accept and deal with.

Also I've just read the message you sent about invites being given out on Monday. I'm sure it goes without saying not to do this in front of the boy who isn't invited. Ideally hand them to the parents, not the children. FWIW I think you've made the right decision.

It doesn't 'matter' one bit, but it's relevant to my own thoughts on it, which is why I'm asking.

Parent of an autistic child who couldn’t cope with large classes and I chose not to take him
to some parties. The mum is wrong - her autistic child doesn’t need to be included in everything, especially stuff that he can’t cope with. She should be asking for accommodations to be made so that he can cope, so a quiet room at the party, a detailed party schedule to manage transitions, a menu and a photo of the cake, whatever helps to make transitions easier so he can enjoy it with the rest. Having said that it doesn’t always work and there’s a lot of events you can’t attend.

But I think excluding one child out of a whole class is pretty cruel and the message is callous. I would have invited half the class - there’s plenty of parties throughout the year, no one is missing out and your daughter will barely remember who attended, but the little
boy and his mum will always remember this.

This is a great idea!

Can’t see what critical difference it makes just looks like you are fishing to find something to criticise.

Agreed. Violence is not ok sn or not. OP won't be the first or last to skip this child's invite. If anything a good teaching moment for her child. There were parties my child was not invited to for similar, but mon violent. I was sad for her but understood completely.

I think it's relevant as well. OP, where is the party being held?

@tomWh you could be honest with the mum; hand deliver the invitation at pick-up and tell her that her son is invited but due to him ruining previous parties you would prefer that he didn’t come. You will leave his attendance as her decision though.

That would take a lot of back bone to say though.

Don't be daft. I asked a perfectly normal question about where the party is being held.

OP has already messaged her. He’s not invited.

But her best friend happens to be a boy.

If you had a really unpleasant, negative uncle who expected to be invited to yours on Christmas Day (and mar it for everybody), would you deal with it by randomly declaring it a female-only day - and telling your DH, DS, DB and any other lovely male family members that they couldn't be there, but your DIL, DSis and their DDs could all come?

Thanks for the update.

So what’s the issue now then?

Not it’s not - it’s a rubbish idea and diminishes what his daughter wants for her birthday.

You absolutely can when that child has been repeatedly violent towards your own.

He messaged her during the thread, you can read his updates to catch up.

For the giggles I might! 😂

Whilst I like the idea I think the mother just hasn’t got a grasp on the concept of this or she would have done this already. She sounds “soft” and is unable to contain him.

OP, you are paying for this and it’s your little girl’s party. You don’t want your daughter on edge or other kids potentially not attending if they find out that child is coming as well. I’d text or speak to the other mum and explain your reasoning but be clear he’s not invited because of previous behaviour.

Think I will. Cheers.

Is there a chance she won’t find out? Given the parents are aware their child is scared of her boy I imagine none are that friendly with her? If she finds out she won’t know everyone was invited. My son never tells me anything about school so it could be hers is the same if he were to hear about a party.

If I were you I’d just invite who you want and have your explanation ready were she to confront you.

Edit: Sorry just saw update that you sent the message after I posted this. Good luck hopefully engaging with her works out for you

My son has profound autism and learning disabilities. When we get invited to parties, I always turn them down but am very thankful to the person who’s included him. He’s an absolute sweetheart most of the time but has significant needs and I’d never ever want his needs to cost a birthday child their special day, so I don’t take the risk.
I’m surprised his mum brings him to the parties if this is how he behaves! And it’s put you in a very difficult situation but ultimately it’s your daughters day and you need to do what’s best for her