Single dad looking for advice about birthday party issue.

Its not so much excluding more using some common sense and showing some awareness. Whole class parties are not mandatory. Surely she has friends out of school too?

Anyway message sent great, sure you've made her day. Well done you.

I wonder how you'll feel if another parent messages you to critique your dc's behaviour?

well-behaved kids already know that the "naughty" ones get a free pass and rewards for behaving for 5mn exceptionally.

They know if they want rewards themselves they should misbehave and having one good day ,they also know that it doesn't matter and it doesn't count if someone hurt girls or other kids.

We are teaching our children completely the wrong things and we wonder why we have problems later.

19 kids is a lot for a bouncy castle party. Where is it being held? Sorry if I've missed that upthread.

Are other parents staying? How many 'helpers' do you have to manage the kids?

Don’t worry, the message was fine and was clear. You don’t have a choice at school but for private events you can choose not to invite people who hurt others.

Autism isn’t an excuse for violence. Don’t let the mum or the #BeKind brigade let you think otherwise.

Girls only party

Choose who to invite yes. Send patronising messages? Nope.

I wouldn't invite him. You don't have to explain to anyone. In any case, if he is always like this, it could be that some parents won't want their children to come if he will be there if he is hurting them.
It's a shame, but if he learns to regulate himself, there is time in the future to go to parties.
Some people (not all) who have ND family members want them included. They want them to have the same fun as everyone else. But they don't. They can't cope.
I went to a concert held in a church. There was a small group of severely disabled people sitting at the front with their carers. When the singers were performing it was a nightmare. Standing up, shouting, screaming and crying. They could not be controlled. It was a total waste of money for anyone attending that show. The performers had to actually stop. I know this is an extreme example, but it's just to show that sometimes not everyone fits into every scenario.

I can't believe you sent a message offering the kid a scrap of cake from a party he wasn't invited to. Way to rub it in!

It would have been kinder not to send that message.

I have a son who is severely autistic. He just couldn’t cope with parties. He wasn’t too bad at first but as the years went on he got worse. He can’t cope with the noise and gets over stimulated. Hes 22 now, and I still don’t take him to parties. I think that little boy’s mum is doing him no favours. He obviously can’t cope with a party atmosphere. It’s too much. It’s not fair on him and it’s not fair on everyone else. I used to hate it when my son used to kick off, everyone staring. She should take him out of the situation. Yes it’s a shame for him I know! But others shouldn’t have to put up with a party being ruined. The only thing I can suggest is that if you don’t want to upset the mum, just invite the girls in your daughter’s class and the boy that she’s best friends with.

Indeed. It's staggeringly insensitive isn't it.

You can't host a whole class party and exclude one child.
Cut the numbers only invite her close friends.
I understand your frustration, but you don't want to be seen as a heartless person.

I'd hope another parent wouldn't message you tbh. It's not the way to do it but here we are.

OP, I think you should absolutely invite whoever your daughter wants to her party, and if it means excluding just that one child and inviting everyone else, then so be it. It would be totally unfair not to invite others, e.g. all the boys, just because one of their number behaves badly and is violent. You would be depriving all of them because of that child, and that's not fair either. Also, I think a fair few other parents would be quite miffed that their child hadn't been invited because of this one boy.

Just wanted to add, well done for being brave enough to come on MN and ask for help. There's some nasty man-haters on here, and they will twist anything so they can have a dig, as you might have gathered from a couple of the comments, but I think you've had a lot of good advice. Good luck!

Don't invite him it would actually be just as cruel to invite him than not, if the mum asks why tell her the truth that from experience of the last event yours will be too loud and over stimulating and you don't think it's fair to him or the other children if he comes. It's your daughter's birthday party and you can't have it wrecked particularly when you know what will happen.

Removed post as seen you already sent message, fwiw, bad idea , but hey too late now

I don’t think it’s patronising. It’s actually quite kind considering - he could have just said he didn’t want to risk a recurrence of her son’s violence from the other parties.

Really tough one. But I would tell the mother that the party will be very unsuitable for her son due to all the lights and noise etc.

I’m a SEN parent of a little boy who - when dysregulated - does lash out. It’s awful. For him, for us, for everyone. I do understand why you’ve struggled with this and why, ultimately, you have decided that you can’t invite him. But I do just want to explain that this isn’t simply a case of bad behaviour. The fact this child lashes out like this is undoubtedly a sensory response to the environment - the same goes for what happens at school (a classic case of unmet need and a mismatched environment). I feel sorry for your DD but I also feel sorry for the other mother and more so for the other child. My guess is that she is desperate for him to ‘fit in’ and that she is struggling trying to get the support that he needs. I’m not saying that’s your ‘problem’, but if your message does land badly all I would ask is you remember that her life is no doubt already pretty isolating and hard. I’m not saying that makes it ‘right’ that she continues to bring him to every party, I suspect she just hopes it will get easier. I learned a long time ago that we just wouldn’t do this stuff, but I know that’s not something others find easy to do.

I hope your daughter has a lovely birthday.

So if she is "living it" why-

1. does she put her child into a situation that he can't cope with
2. think of the other children whose parties have been spoilt by her inability to say No to the invite or manage the situation
3. realise that it is parents like her who make it so hard for well behaved kids with additional needs to get invited to parties, as people unfairly lump them altogether

Selfish woman

As a parent two two autistic boys who is also around a lot of autistic children, there are lots of competing issues in my opinion:

Some SEND parents not accepting some things aren’t suitable for their children.

Some SEND parents not understanding that what NT children enjoy is not something their children enjoy.

Some SEND parents allowing their child’s disabilities to excuse unacceptable behaviour. Even if a child’s additional needs mean they lash out, it doesn’t mean other people have to accept being harmed.

In my opinion @tomWh the fact that this parent has not seen parties like this aren’t suitable, and that she makes no effort to remove him for violence means you need to exclude him.

My sons had none of the violent outbursts but could only cope with certain parties and therefore I only took him to appropriate ones.

SEND parents are not a homogeneous group obviously, but so many actually do their children a disservice in the same of equality and it’s a real shame, as they don’t embrace the joys in some of the differences.

My youngest is entirely uninterested in parties. He prefers a helium balloon and a spinny chair and that is fine.

why is the solution to segregate boys and girls?

why is your solution sending the message that girls and boys are so unequal they can't even have a party together?