Single dad looking for advice about birthday party issue.

Absolute cactus behaviour.

It's nothing to do with "the mother he has". You are excluding a child on the basis of a DISABILITY! You could have asked the mum to remove him if he got overwhelmed via a call or discussion.

I'm glad in our school at least if you're not doing a class party and everyone is included, children are not permitted to hand out invitations during the school day.

And I say that as the mother of two children, one NT and one ND. You should walk a mile in our shoes before being so judgemental

Well done you for not including this child. You are excluding him because of his behaviour, not his autism (as you've invited another child with autism, who doesn't behave in the same way). Offering a party bag and cake is absolutely the right gesture.
The class of children have to cope with him enough in school. His mother should accept he can't cope with a party environment and not take him rather than expecting everyone else's day to be ruined. Whilst she may not want him to miss out on things, she has to accept he has to because he can't cope!
My son doesn't have any diagnosis but doesn't cope with certain environments. Noisy parties are a big no, so we just don't take him. He doesn't become disregulated, just miserable.

Very good idea.

@ChocolateCinderToffee I don’t think it’s a very good lesson to teach kids that they should give special treatment to people who hit them.

Why? Why do all the other kids have to miss out cos of this one child?
I find it bemusing that you and others think this is fair.
Unfortunately there are things that sn children aren't able to partake in You can't just exclude others who can to keep it fair.

Talk to the school about not inviting a violent child to a private birthday party? Why? It’s nothing to do with the school, they don’t get to decide who is invited, or not, to a private event. Don’t teachers already have enough to manage?

If the mother knows her son doesn't cope well at parties, then she shouldn't take him. So this situation IS about the mother he has. Also, this boy is being excluded because of his BEHAVIOUR, not because of his DISABILITY.

I'd talk to the Mum but say something slightly different. I'd say that you are aware that the party will not be something that her child can cope with and last time you were well aware that it was very distressing for him and for others so for this reason he is not being invited. I don't think its fair to your child to be otherwise and the mother will know why her child is not invited.

Too right!!

Generally, I wouldn’t be okay with not inviting only one kid in the whole class, but in this specific circumstance – class of 20, don’t want to leave out boys because daughter’s close friend is a boy, uninvited boy has a history of actual violence at parties – I think you’ve done as well as can be expected with a bad situation. I think texting his mother as opposed to calling her was a good idea too. This way, there’s a record of what exactly you said to her if she gets upset and misrepresents to other people what you said, and it allows her to have a private reaction to the news that her son isn’t invited.

Well said!!👏

If your child is regularly violent to others and ruins birthday parties and you don't voluntarily remove them - you're a shit parent. And you're setting your children up for a very lonely life because no-one else is going to put up with it and once they get big enough - they'll start finding out that people hit back.

You can if he’s violent , badly behaved and unable to cope due to his autism.

Agreed, this is brilliant advice.

👏👏👏

No hun. Don't talk to the school about party invites. Talk to school about alleged violent behaviour.

Thank God in our day kids either got invited or didn't. Parents didn't take it upon themselves to message parents about how badly their dc behaved.

The behaviour is BECAUSE of his disability. Some autistic children literally have no control in the moment they get overwhelmed.

I can say it's taken me years to recognise my all the triggers my son has, and watch his micro-mannerisms to tell how things are likely going to go with a situation. None of which was due to poor parenting. I am very happy to say that for the most part now he manages situations and mainstream schooling very well, that wasn't always the case.

Behaviour is communication for some autistic children. I think there was a kinder middle ground to invite him since it's a whole class party but make the mum clear his previous behaviour has been upsetting and if he gets overwhelmed it is expected she remove him, or if she feels that's not something he would cope with, don't bring him. Or have a smaller party.

Personally I would have worded it differently to explain you are hosting your DDs party and as her son struggled so much at the last party ask which parts are suitable for him or whether they could be modified (no music maybe for the first 30 mins) or whether he would like to sit it out.
It sounds difficult as she is going to be more than aware her child isn't confirming but this isn't the case of a naughty child. The school also have to gather evidence before they can look at getting a EHCP and funding for a TA for him which can be a long process.

The mother in this case has not removed him at previous parties when he became overwhelmed. If she had, none of this would be an issue.

This is very mature and sensible parenting

Some autistic children literally have no control in the moment they get overwhelmed. In which case any responsible parent would do everything they could to avoid this happening.
Such as not putting their child in a situation (like a party), where they could become overwhelmed.

I forget that Mumsnet threads can become an absolute vipers nest when it comes to acceptance or understanding of ND children who aren't just placid and with the more "acceptable" level of autism.

Genuinely breaks my heart at the level of ableism and lack of understanding that is shown.

You couldn't walk a mile in the shoes of most of the parents of ND children I know.

There are a few kids in my DDs class who are so disruptive (no special needs, just horrid individuals) that she refuses to attend parties they are at, and has no trouble telling people. She's not the only one like this. Ultimately, some people are just so toxic that leaving them out becomes the mainstream decision. Everyone knows it.

Mind you, I've just come from a 6th birthday party where I had to physically pull one boy away from where he was dismantling the gas boiler, and the parents just shrugged their shoulders.

His mother is doing him no favours. I understand she doesn’t want him
to be excluded but he’s obviously not coping at parties. My son is also ND. I stopped taking h him to parties many years ago. He is fine being at home in the peace and quiet. I actually heard from a couple of ND children who said loud noises feeling like banging in their ears. My son wears ear defenders but they can only block out so much. I know this as my son who wears them all the time can still flinch when he hears a loud noise.
The OP is not excluding him because of his disability, but because of he’s behaviour. And the OP is NOT being judgmental. The poor guy can’t do right from doing wrong.

And how exactly do children learn to develop coping strategies if they are always excluded and not given opportunities to try again?