Single dad looking for advice about birthday party issue.

Is this sarcasm?

I can't imagine that message will go down very well but I don't think there was a right way to deal with this without upsetting someone anyway.

Op let us know how mum reacts?

children are usually great at accommodating kids with additional needs at school. Because they have to. No child should have to invite a child to their birthday who is violent and likely to ruin it. Simple as that. It’s not discrimination, it’s common sense and prioritising one’s own child’s feelings once a year.

This is a parent issue not a child issue. Mum thinks she is ‘including’ him but really she is exposing him to extreme stress and dysregulation - why on earth would she want to do that? And that’s not even considering the other children, who count equally.

disability is not a trump card, it’s a balancing act.

I'm a mum of 2 severely autistic children who are young adults now. Neither of them ever behaved like this at a child's birthday party. If they had I wouldn't have taken them. They never got many invites even though they went to a SEN school. I did have a few parties for them when they were younger. But some just don't reply or don't bother to show up. It's just easier to do something with family.

I do know a child who was like this who was in a mainstream school. His parents went completely the wrong way about it to prevent situations like you explained. Things like letting him win pass the parcel and him deciding what happened next games etc even right down to deciding when the children eat like it was his party. This was just to prevent that one child from kicking off. But when he went to a school Christmas party and kept saying he was going to win and teachers told him no he won't he kicked off big style and was understandably excluded. Even though he has autism he has to learn his actions have consequences. He knows he's doing wrong so I wouldn't invite him.

Absolutely not.

Op says other parents have already spoken to the school about this boys behaviour. But this isn’t about his behaviour in school, it’s about a private party. So, in your opinion what should op do about this party?

Don't know. Do you?

No way!! How did you respond?

At their education provider? Within family occasions? In social environments designed for children with difficulties?

Not at the expense of a little girl's birthday party.

This actually reminds me of a situation with my DC when smaller. I used to take them to an after school club that they did at different times. We would wait in the reception and have a snack.

There was a boy there who was about 2 or 3 years older than my eldest and he was absolutely massive. He used to come up to my kids and push them a bit and really intimidate them. I think he has autism. His mum just let him do whatever.

I remember telling him a few times to back off as he could’ve done them some serious damage. His mum did nothing but look over and wonder why I wasn’t just going along with it all.

Unfortunately I now see his mum regularly at my work as she is a client and she gives me the filthiest looks 😦

I couldn't believe the gall! Dd was absolutely fuming 🤣.

He hasn’t always been excluded has he? His mother has had opportunities to teach him coping strategies. Or decide that he’s not ready for those type of parties yet.

I have 3 kids. DD2 has behavioural difficulties. When she gets into confrontational situations, she lashes out and hits. Hard.

We have worked on this for years. SENCo evaluations, behaviour charts at school and home, special martial arts classes aimed at self-,regulation, consequences, fidgets to help her manage her feelings blah blah.

She still hits people at times.

You know what? Some kids don't invite her to parties now. And you know what? That's fine. It makes me sad sometimes, and her.

But no one, ever, has to put up with violence. No one needs to invite someone who hit them and frightened them to a party, a special playdate or anywhere else.

Because it doesn't matter if the mum watches him.- the girl will have to put up with someone who has hurt her at a time she should be safe and having fun.

Two of children are girls. There is a high statistical probability that they will suffer some form of male violence or threat in their lives.

Well not under my roof. My girls are nobody's punchbag. They don't need to accommodate a boy who has physically hurt them. Ever. For any reason.

And frankly if you are the parent of a young daughter and you would allow this, you ought to have a hard think about that.

Yes you can. The party is for the birthday girl not someone who is going to ruin it for everyone else.

That's probably true - but why does that mean that OP should expose his daughter to this young boy's violence on her special day?

If you rtft you'll see what I think op should have done. He shouldn't have messaged the parent with his patronising opinion on the dc's behaviour.

Invite or don't. Try not exclude one dc would be my top tip though.

Hi, how did the mum take it? Please update us, thanks!

Thats tough.
I think you can invite or not whoever you/you DD wants to her birthday party.
I also think excluding 1 child in a class is cruel.
If it were me,i would speak to the autistic childs mum face to face and say you noticed how tough it was was her son and her at the previous party and that you want to invite him and make reasonable ajustments for her son but that cant include no music ,an uncut cake and toys being broken. If those things happen he will have to leave for everyones sake,including her sons as it must be distressing when he is dysregulated and having a melt down and removing him would be kindest for him. Ask her what she thinks would help him cope better.

Oh and as for messaging the parent

Many parents have approached me about DD2's behaviour.

Without exception they have been polite and clear:

"I need to let you know DD2 hit someone"

"Is that your little girl? I think she may be having trouble coping"

"I'm sorry but we cannot have DD2 over for a few weeks as her behaviour is hard to manage"

I say thank you and make her apologise. I don't whine that they should have gone through the school. I have an actual grown-up conversation and say, yes, she can be like that, of course it's not okay, thanks for letting me know.

Messaging another parent is fine. It takes a village and all that.

This. We didn’t invite a perennially disruptive child to DS’s otherwise whole-class parties. It’s not that I didn’t appreciate that he faced considerable challenges and feel for his parents, but as they didn’t pull him out when he started trashing party venues, I wasn’t prepared to invite him.

It sounds like the mum in this case needs to learn some coping strategies. It is wholly unacceptable to take your child to a party and watch them hurt the other children and do next to nothing about it. I appreciate she may be in a really tough situation herself but she did not have to accept the invitation if she knew she'd likely struggle to manage his behaviour alone.

The OP's child has the absolute right to have her birthday party without fear of being hit or having her things broken.

That poster is a d**k, you've kept your child from being scared on their birthday.

Even if that DCs behaviour ruins the party for everyone else? Including the girl whose birthday it is?
And you think other children, who would enjoy said party, should miss out, to somehow make it “fair”?

Yes, by actually giving children opportunities to practice coping, with appropriate support and boundaries. “You're excluded because you haven't learned to cope” isn't much of a learning opportunity, is it?

No, you can't exciude 1. Or you shouldn't.

These are the most very basic of social skills. For example if at work if you have 20 colleagues, you get on well with all except one. If you had a social do would you really exclude only 1? I'd hope not but then reading many of these posts you possibly would. Maybe fire off a helpful 'you're not invited cos we don't like you but I'll bring some cake in for you next week' message too?