Single dad looking for advice about birthday party issue.

Those are all opportunities, yes. But why should an autistic child's opportunities to participate in ordinary childhood social experiences be restricted to settings specifically designed around their difficulties?

Children don't compartmentalise social learning quite so neatly. Learning to cope in a structured environment is useful; so is learning to navigate the messy, unpredictable social situations that other children routinely experience.

Obviously there are situations that genuinely aren't manageable for a particular child. I'm questioning the assumption that an ordinary birthday party should automatically be one of them simply because the child is autistic. It is morally wrong to me to have an all class but 1 party; it's mean and ableist.

He should have messaged the mum so she understands. Some parents would not have messaged.

Children have been pushed together under the name of inclusion. Sometime it works but when it doesn’t it is horrible. A girl was bitten in our toilets by another child who struggles. It was worded as being her fault for being out there and not being in class. We’re teaching our children aggression is ok and most probably they could have done more to avoid it. Now you want them to invite aggressive children into their safe place at the expense of their needs? Luckily it’s not your call.

But, reading what happened at the last party, does it really sound to you like the mother has given her child “appropriate support and boundaries”?

Violence is absolutely not OK.

I’ve been in accidents at work and in a car. I’ve fallen and hit my head. You get hurt and it messes up your MH.

It’s not ok to be on the receiving end of it. As adults if someone acts aggressively to us we can call the police and defend ourselves.

Fancy being a child in a class or at a party and you know that you might at any second be in for a pounding. That’s just not right.

“expose his daughter to this young boy's violence on her special day” is an emotive way of framing this, but it assumes the two things are mutually exclusive.

Nobody is suggesting that the birthday child should have an unpleasant or unsafe party. The question is why the autistic child is being treated as the problem to be removed, rather than asking whether there is a way for both children's needs to be accommodated.

And I really don't understand the argument that exclusion teaches coping skills. If a child is repeatedly told you can't come because you can't cope, what exactly are they being given the opportunity to practise?

If they had hit me and other colleagues, trashed the office and spat at people then yes I would absolutely would exclude them!

It’s not a matter of not liking the boy though. It’s a matter that he is physically violent towards him. So yes, I would exclude a colleague if they were physically violent towards me or any of my friends. I don’t see why that is difficult to understand.

He stayed?

Big mistake stating your gender OP, the misandry here is rife.

@tomWh , I wouldn't call her.
Your daughter is your priority. Fullstop.
Calling her opens unnecessary discussion etc.

I don't understand people twisting themselves into pretzels to be considered as not being unkind. What about your own DD, doesn't she deserve kindness?

Speaking as a Mum with SEN kid and SEN nephews and nieces. Any responsible mum would not force their child into such situations they struggle with. I can't have my child going to people's occasions and ruining them.

My son went to a special school. There was a pupil there that was found in possession of a knife whilst in school. Did the staff of that special school excuse him because he was ND? No! He was permanently excluded. So were they discriminating against him for his disability? No, it was a health and safety matter.

Your message was absolutely horrible- and Im saying it as a mum of ASD children who also cant cope. Out of all the possible options and good advice people gave you, this was the worst, but hey, I guess you wanted to do this from the very begiining and showed your true colours; you probably feel super good about yourself right now.

My DD who is now grown up still talks about how she was upset that the music had to be turned off at one of her parties because one of her classmates was having a meltdown over it. She felt that her wishes were overridden because one person didn’t want it when she was the birthday girl and she should have had what she wanted at her party. I regret that decision now that I didn’t put her first.
If a guest does not like what the party is like then they shouldn’t attend and shouldn’t expect special allowances at the detriment of other guests.

The girl's needs should, for those few hours, trump the boy's needs. I'd argue that they should always trump this boy's needs.

I have two daughters, and didn't protect one of them from a similar boy's behaviour when she was 7. It crushes me to this day that I prioritised his feelings over hers and I will never, ever forgive myself for what happened.

This father has the moral, ethical and legal right to prioritise his daughter. He is not excluding the boy because of his autism; he is excluding him because he is dangerous.

id text

hi

I could see at XYZ party your ds got extremely overwhelmed and he didn't enjoy himself. Rather than put pressure on you for yet another party, I thought it best to leave it this time for my dads birthday party. I realise it's so difficult, perhaps things will settle down with your ds in time and then he might enjoy the parties etc. I didn't want you to think I hadn't noticed the challenges you were under.

What thread are you reading?

I honestly don't understand many of the posts suggesting he should be invited.

My sister was once in an abusive relationship. He never hit her but he threw keys right near her head, and was controlling.

They live in the same area still. She actively avoids social situations where she might run into him. She is not afraid he will abuse her in public. But she hates being around him because he's been violent in the past. It's stressful and brings back bad memories.

No one would would dream of saying she should invite him to her birthday, after all, he's part of the same social circle, he'll feel left out.

Why are little girls worth less? Why would you teach your daughter that her job is to plan her own birthday, which is a big deal for children, around another child, and hey, we'll keep a close eye on him and hope he doesn't hit you, eh?

Why would you do that?

“expose his daughter to this young boy's violence on her special day” is an emotive way of framing this..."
He would be exposing his daughter to the young boy's violence on a day that was special to her though, no?

My son has ASD, he has significant needs but actually really enjoys a party so is reasonably well behaved. If we get an invited to a party that I think he would find difficult be dysregulated we just decline the invite. He was recently invited to a football party that I thought he would struggle with as he finds structured activities hard but when I spoke to the mum she suggested bringing him for the last hour to see what he thought, enjoy the food etc so that’s what we did and surprisingly he really enjoyed it. As a parent to a child with ASD it is my responsibility to set him up as well as possible for later life so with regards to poor behaviour, we give him a chance but if he’s upset we leave. I don’t subscribe to the mindset of well he has autism so he can do what he likes, he still needs to be taught right from wrong as well as possible. People won’t be so understanding when he’s older so it would be doing him a disservice to allow whatever.

That said, I think it’s really cruel to not invite one child from the class. I would personally either do a smaller group or I would contact the mum and say you’d like to invite him but you have some concerns about how he’s copes at previous parties so can she make sure if he comes she is monitoring what he’s up to/ takes him away from the situation if he becomes dysregulated. I’d personally not take offence to this, if my child is upset I want to take them away from the situation not force them to stay. Not an easy situation for you I appreciate.

It isn't OP's job to provide learning opportunities for the child. Especially with the high risk of hurt to his own child and it spoiling her birthday party.

The parents of the child need to provide learning opportunities and also learn to remove their child when they do get overwhelmed in certain situations, especially when it comes to hurting other children.

Respectfully agree to disagree.

The little boy isn't a violent child who wilfully does things. He has a disability that at times makes him lash out in the moment. And that needs to be managed, but I disagree exclusion is the right approach when EVERY OTHER child is invited.

I think saying to the mum you could see he didn't cope, she's welcome to let him try again at the party if she thinks he would manage, however if he doesn't, there's an expectation she will remove him. Explain that there's been incidents previously and birthday girl is apprehensive.

It can be incredibly lonely and isolating when you're trying to navigate all this.

In my view a frank conversation with mum would have been kinder all round, or have a reduced size party as others suggested.

'My DD who is now grown up still talks about how she was upset that the music had to be turned off at one of her parties because one of her classmates was having a meltdown over it'

Our dc have far greater interesting and important things to think about than what happened to the music at a kids party. They're pretty resilient though and don't sweat the small stuff thankfully.

At work if someone hit me I’d expect them to
be sacked and whether they are invited to a social to be a moot point.

This child will only learn with the support of his parents. The parents have shown repeatedly they won’t offer that support therefore the natural result is him being excluded.

No one has said ‘autistic children should be excluded’ - it’s the violence coupled with poor parenting.

The lack of comprehension and critical thinking is fucking ridiculous.

and what happens if she doesn't remove him as she didn't at the previous party?

Oh, just seen you had sent a message already. I wouldn't have but here's hoping it works out well for you & DD.

In your shoes i would throw the kind of party my DD wants - whole class party, if that is what she wants.
I would very easily not invite anyone who would ruin it even if it meant only one person was not invited.

It's totally different if the mother had a different attitude and was effective in preventing him from ruining other people's special day. Unfortunately, she is setting up her child for these types of situations and he will be losing friendships at school.