Single dad looking for advice about birthday party issue.

Because of parents like this mum, the whole community of ASD parents suffers. The kid’s ASD isn’t the issue, his behaviour is. But other autistic kids won’t be invited to things because people will worry about the chaos and lax parenting, even though there are many more responsible parents and well behaved kids

You are doing the right thing. Violence is never ok

You've made the right decision for the right reasons. You sound like a great dad, and I hope the party goes well.

we wouldn't want to put him in situations where he becomes this dysregulated

Exactly, and thank you. His tantrums/meltdowns are the result of extreme distress. It's crazy to inflict that on a child in an avoidable situation - I mean, you wouldn't insist on a fun party game of 'Stab with sharp knives', would you?!

Try explaining to the parent that it's upsetting for everyone to see him in such pain and you can't, unfortunately, provide a space that would be safe for him.

Wishing you and DD a good day!

this

This says far more about you then it does the OP.

Me too.

Looks like the child's mother found the thread ...

Ultimately the parent is at fault not the child with ASD. My DDs are both autistic but not violent. The number of times we've hung outside of the main party room or left early to keep them regulated. If the parent managed the child's behaviour better, and you were confident she would remove the child if required, I expect you would be more likely to invite him.

Can you invite him round for a special birthday tea beforehand and explain to his mother that you understand he would find a big party difficult?

God forbid you give parenting advice to anyone.

It's not fair to the little boy being there, your description sounds like he was totally overwhelmed poor child.

I think you made the right decision, OP. Very difficult

Don't invite him. You absolutely can leave out one child. You absolutely can prioritize your daughter. You do not owe the other child anything.

You can explain to the mum if you wish that you have concerns about everyone's safety at the party if her child attends. The mother needs to adjust her attitude here. It might be a valuable learning moment for her.

Could you add something about him physically hurting your daughter? It's a hard situation to navigate and I don't blame you! My son is autistic and has quite a few friends from school who are also ND, I've never seen anyone be violent. He's in Y4 now and I've never been to a birthday party where there's been behaviour like you mention, I'm not sure how I'd deal with something like that.

What does your daughter say?
it’s her day.

If challenged on why the child isn’t invited then simply say he has been violent towards her in the past and as a result he was not on the guest list.

I don’t think a note telling the mother he’s not invited helps. It just makes a bigger deal out of it.

Don’t invite a violent boy to your daughter’s birthday. What kind of message does that send her about male violence in her life?

I’m generally against excluding 1 child but not if it’s because it’s violence related. Autism isn’t a free pass to be violent though some people seem to think it is.

If the mum asks, just say it’s because of the violence and your daughter and other kids have the right to be safe at the party.

I haven't at any point said anyone's feelings trump anyone else's. No I'm not triggered nor angry.

What I have said is parents should not go messaging others parents telling them why their dc is not invited. How inappropriate, even offering cake as a consolation prize. Just no.

Don't invite him fine but talk to the school about alleged violence not the parent.

She shouldn’t let her child go to events where he destroys all the other children’s enjoyment. Not only that he’s so violent he is hitting children and pulling their hair. His mother is at fault for subjecting other children to her uncontrollable child.

Having a disability doesn’t give you the right to spoil other children’s birthday parties.

I would make a whatsapp group and message the parents of the children you want to invite. I don’t know anyone that hands out invites anymore.

You don’t have to invite him (I wouldn’t), but it would be mean to hand actual invitations to every kid but him.

Oh for goodness sake!

He said he was going to speak to her and then the other posters on here encouraged him to message so he has evidence of what he actually said in case the mum kicks off and starts making claims.

It seems the poor bloke can't do right whatever he does - in this thread he's been attacked for stating he's a dad; accused of wanting praise for organising a party; insulted; been called a coward; and more...

All because he's worried about a violent child assaulting his daughter at her own birthday party, while being compassionate towards the violent child because he has SEN and a enabling mother.

Vile comment! You’ve completely taken OP’s comment deliberately out of context. The little boy DOES go around hurting other children. The OP has already said what he’s like at school as all the other parents have complained and the school are saying that they are sorting it. The OP does NOT have an issue with him being ND it’s his behaviour that is the an issue. And his mother who obviously has the same attitude as you, is doing nothing to address the issue! And the OP isn’t asking others to back him up, he is asking for opinions on a very awkward situation. If you bothered to read the OP’s first post then you’d see how sensitive he is being to the child. And how dare you use shocking language to the OP like that! Absolutely no need!!! You need to apologise to him!

Why should he have to invite a child who is violent to his daughter? Just because he is sn?
The op is in the right if a child was violent to mine sn or not damn right they would not be coming to a party.

Here here!

You have done the right thing.

Your little girl has the right to a lovely birthday party with all of her friends and you don't need the extra stress.

No one has the right to be invited to a party.

If the mum isn't happy then she needs to ask herself how she would feel if it was her child being hit, hurt and having their party ruined.

I hope you all have a lovely time.