Page 11 | Single dad looking for advice about birthday party issue.

theneighbourgotmycake · Yesterday 16:18

Rosscameasdoody · Yesterday 16:14

This. Neurodiversity isn’t an excuse for bad behaviour and it’s never too early to learn that if you behave badly to other people they won’t like you.

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It's an especially poor excuse when other neurodiverse children will also be the victims and suffer from bad behaviour!

You exclude all the boys, so another boy with SEN will be excluded and miss out on the party he was looking forward to. Maybe one of the few he would have attended, because he's more friends with girls than boys in his class. But hey, let's exclude him , do not mix boys and girls as a lazy option!

On which planet is that fair.

Createausername1970 · Yesterday 16:18

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If she believes her small son can go through life trashing parties and hurting other children then she does need a reality check. What are her plans when he is teenager, taller and heavier than her?

She is not helping him by not addressing it and just allowing him to carry on.

I speak as a parent of an ND child who wasn't often included.

Rosscameasdoody · Yesterday 16:19

theneighbourgotmycake · Yesterday 16:18

It's an especially poor excuse when other neurodiverse children will also be the victims and suffer from bad behaviour!

You exclude all the boys, so another boy with SEN will be excluded and miss out on the party he was looking forward to. Maybe one of the few he would have attended, because he's more friends with girls than boys in his class. But hey, let's exclude him , do not mix boys and girls as a lazy option!

On which planet is that fair.

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Agree. A good analysis.

EnjoythemoneyJane · Yesterday 16:22

You’ve done the right thing, OP. Your message was entirely fair, despite the barracking you’re getting from a few posters here. Hope your daughter has a lovely party.

LittleMi55Nobody · Yesterday 16:25

tomWh · Yesterday 13:39

Hello

I am a single dad with a 6 (almost 7) year-old daughter, and I am currently organizing her birthday party, a traditional party with a bouncy castle, inflatables etc.

The plan was for a whole class party, but I am very worried about one little boy who has autism. It sounds harsh, but he ruins every child's birthday he gets invited to the latest one was only a few weeks ago. He caused chaos and, honestly, the day was spoiled as he ended up upsetting a lot of the other children. He screamed around the whole place, demanding the music be stopped as he couldn't cope with it. He threw toys at people (breaking some of them), he hit other children and had a massive meltdown when the cake started to be cut as he wanted it to be whole, and when given a slice of cake, he proceeded to launch it across the room whilst also kicking one of the food tables, sending some of it flying

The parents of the birthday boy were understandably annoyed that the day was being ruined and the mother of the boy causing the issues doesn't deal with it very well. .Now to be fair, I can't imagine how difficult her daily life is dealing with this behavior, but she just has the belief that, as he has autism, we should be accepting of his issues and let it be, and she is very vocal that he should never be left out of something simply because he has auitms she will try and gently ask him to stop the behavior and when things get really bad she will try and hold him in one place for a moment, but that's pretty much it

Now I agree it is awful for the little boy, but he has been extremely violent towards my daughter on several occasions and I can't see the point of spending all this money on a birthday party just for him to have a chance to spoil yet another party, but I also don't think its fair not to throw my daughter a party because of one child now I will be printing off the invitations today ready to handed out on Monday and I don't what to do as excluding him seems cruel, but I don't see him behaving at my daughter's party any different than he has all the others, and I'm dreading another party full of injured crying and scared kids.

What would you do? Any advice on approaching the mum would also be appreciated, but I would say she's not all that open about discussing her son and just believes he should be at everything no matter the chaos it causes.

.my lovely asd son never ever got asked to parties and it broke my heart..maybe ask his parents to stay

BerryTwister · Yesterday 16:26

LittleMi55Nobody · Yesterday 16:25

.my lovely asd son never ever got asked to parties and it broke my heart..maybe ask his parents to stay

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@LittleMi55Nobody from reading the OP, the boy’s Mum was there, but didn’t handle it well at all.

thestudio · Yesterday 16:26

If you get pushback from her

"I'm sorry, but he's violent, and that's my hard line."

Hazyjaneishere · Yesterday 16:28

It’s a shame that the parent doesn’t see that parties aren’t a good environment for him. I’d probably go with making it a girls only party to avoid the drama. It would be cruel to single him out like that.

DaftFunk · Yesterday 16:29

I wouldn’t do whole class party regardless. Ask her to pick her closest friends and invite them.

EarthSight · Yesterday 16:30

Now I agree it is awful for the little boy, but he has been extremely violent towards my daughter on several occasions

You have an incredibly easy get-out-of jail card here. It's harsh, but don't invite him. It doesn't even sound like he even enjoys it that much - maybe a case of his mother dragging him along?

@TheJoyousHiker No, but in life, you need to prioritise your own child which sometimes involves making difficult and unpleasant decisions, and putting your own child's needs first. Sometimes, it's just not possible to do that and keep everyone happy.

Furthermore, it's quite unbelievable that you would not take his violent toward her more seriously, but instead suggest that the OP is nasty for not inviting him. It shows what is wrong with our society and the wishes or hurt feelings of a boy are taken more seriously than the girl he's already been violent to.

Girls learn important lessons at a young age about what they should accept or not accept - think about that.

LondonPapa · Yesterday 16:32

tomWh · Yesterday 13:39

Hello

I am a single dad with a 6 (almost 7) year-old daughter, and I am currently organizing her birthday party, a traditional party with a bouncy castle, inflatables etc.

The plan was for a whole class party, but I am very worried about one little boy who has autism. It sounds harsh, but he ruins every child's birthday he gets invited to the latest one was only a few weeks ago. He caused chaos and, honestly, the day was spoiled as he ended up upsetting a lot of the other children. He screamed around the whole place, demanding the music be stopped as he couldn't cope with it. He threw toys at people (breaking some of them), he hit other children and had a massive meltdown when the cake started to be cut as he wanted it to be whole, and when given a slice of cake, he proceeded to launch it across the room whilst also kicking one of the food tables, sending some of it flying

The parents of the birthday boy were understandably annoyed that the day was being ruined and the mother of the boy causing the issues doesn't deal with it very well. .Now to be fair, I can't imagine how difficult her daily life is dealing with this behavior, but she just has the belief that, as he has autism, we should be accepting of his issues and let it be, and she is very vocal that he should never be left out of something simply because he has auitms she will try and gently ask him to stop the behavior and when things get really bad she will try and hold him in one place for a moment, but that's pretty much it

Now I agree it is awful for the little boy, but he has been extremely violent towards my daughter on several occasions and I can't see the point of spending all this money on a birthday party just for him to have a chance to spoil yet another party, but I also don't think its fair not to throw my daughter a party because of one child now I will be printing off the invitations today ready to handed out on Monday and I don't what to do as excluding him seems cruel, but I don't see him behaving at my daughter's party any different than he has all the others, and I'm dreading another party full of injured crying and scared kids.

What would you do? Any advice on approaching the mum would also be appreciated, but I would say she's not all that open about discussing her son and just believes he should be at everything no matter the chaos it causes.

Fellow dad, I have actively ensured the disruptive child does not get invited. Harsh but best for all.

Terfedout · Yesterday 16:32

lucky45 · Yesterday 14:31

You being a single parent is so irrelevant, and interesting it’s your opening sentence. We’re not all here to think you’re amazing for giving your daughter a party. If you want to ask whether other parents would invite the child then just ask that.

Nasty comment. Why be so bitchy to someone who is clearly just asking for advise? Bloke hater by any chance?

Thegoldenoriole · Yesterday 16:33

tomWh · Yesterday 14:46

This is the message I have typed to send (names have been changed). Does it sound okay? I was going to call but after seeing so many people saying text instead of call, I decided to do that.

Hi Katie

i am planning Ellie's 7th birthday party and invites will be handed out on Monday. I wanted to speak with you first to give you a heads-up that I have made the decision not to invite Charlie to the party after seeing how much he struggled at Max's birthday a few weeks ago. If you think Charlie would like a party bag and some cake, I am happy to arrange that. I hope you understand

This is a reasonable text. I work in schools and have come across the full range of need and awareness from parents. Of course it’s awful that the child is left out, but given you have solid evidence that mum won’t immediately remove him when he is hurting other children, I don’t think you have another option. Inclusion isn’t about making everyone else suffer.

ABitMiffedOverThis · Yesterday 16:36

You’ve been stuck between a rock and a hard place. At the end of the day you’ve dealt with it. No offence, but most men wouldn’t have cared about upsetting them. My DH would just say he wasn’t coming and he’d give it no further thought.

I have been to parties in the past where the mum has tried to change what happens. One mum asked for the movie (the birthday boys favourite and the theme) at a party to be changed as her son didn’t like it, and asked for a different flavour cake (not due to allergies) as her DC didn’t like that flavour. I mean, who acts like this? If the party is not to your liking, don’t go!

Now that I’m older I look back at these issues and regret being such a people pleaser. My initial response to your dilemma was to not invite him and you don’t need to explain yourself due to his violence.

AmnesiacDream · Yesterday 16:37

I would just not invite him. You can try speaking to the mother, it must be hard for her and would be more polite. But it sounds like you anticipate she'll kick off and it's fine if you just don't want to deal with that.

If your DD only plays with other girls, a girls only party is probably going to be more fun for her and could be a way to doge the issue. But if she plays with boys too it's a pretty terrible message to send to her that those friends are Other.

Edited: Sorry, realise this is out of date. Must learn to refresh screen after a long break.

Genevieva · Yesterday 16:38

He clearly finds parties stressful. His Mum is at fault for insisting he attends.

Terfedout · Yesterday 16:38

tomWh · Yesterday 15:34

Message sent and decision made, thank you for those who gave good advice and spoke about their experiences, you can't please everybody and unfortunately the mum in question isn't very open to dealing with her child's behaviour in a diffrent way so the best option in this case is for him to miss out, obviously if his behaviour changes he will be invited to the next party.

Your message is fine. As the parent of a child who also sometimes missed out due to ND behaviour, it's shit for them, but it shouldn't ruin everyone else's experience. At least you've been up front and honest with it.

Well done for handling it this way. And ignore the man haters/be kind regardless of the impact on anyone else brigade on here.

Campanulaceae · Yesterday 16:41

Life's tough. Don't invite him.

GoodkneeBadKnee · Yesterday 16:42

Daria32 · Yesterday 13:43

You can’t exclude one child from a whole class party. Either invite him or just invite the girls

I disagree with this. My dd didn't want one boy at her 7th birthday party, so we didn't invite him. No biggie. Except his mum brought him along anyway! OP, if you don't want him there, that's fine. Put your daughter and her feelings first.
Edited to add I've seen your updates OP. Right decision. I hope your daughter has a fab party.

ABitMiffedOverThis · Yesterday 16:42

I also like how you are teaching your DD boundaries and not to be a people pleaser.

One thing I’ve learnt in life is that other women my age who “know their worth”, i.e. have firm boundaries and are easy at using the word “no”, have a much easier life than I do.

Keep up the good work with your DD op.

menopausequeen · Yesterday 16:43

I completely support your approach. No one wants to upset a child but it’s just not fair on the others. If the mum was aware and open to removing him that’s different but sadly the world should not have to put 19 children’s enjoyment at risk for one.

LittleMi55Nobody · Yesterday 16:44

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theneighbourgotmycake · Yesterday 16:46

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what a horrible and nasty post

I don't understand why MNHQ allow people to be that nasty.

CoffeeAndACroissant · Yesterday 16:46

Don't invite him. And don't change the party numbers either. If your daughter wants the rest of the class there then so be it.

Inclusion should not mean that everyone else has to suffer.

SirenScream · Yesterday 16:47

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Reported.