AIBU not to reduce my children’s Christmas presents to match stepchildren’s?

This is a perfect and fair solution all round.

It's not just unrelated males. My ex's nephew was hurt by an unrelated female. It's not as simple as saying men tend to be physically violent, women emotionally so, because both sexes can abuse in every way. And it's not always as easy to identify as the wicked stepmother/sisters in fairytales.

All the money in one pot, shared between the children equally. Don't blend a family if you aren't prepared to treat them equally. It's irrelevant what happens in their other parent's house, you need to be fair in YOUR house.

And like per yesterday's thread, make sure your grandparents split their money equally too - you know, private school fees, either all of them go or none of them go. And whilst you are at it - do you have any nice jewellery? It is unfair not to split it equally between your kids and step-kids. So in the future sell it and split the proceeds equally between all children.

YANBU. He spends what he wants on his DC and you spend what you want on yours.

If he wants it to be more equal, is there something he could personally cut back on so he can spend more on his DC?

The most tedious thing about this is DP thinks this is your problem to solve.

He's had a whole year to plan, or he should have thought about it before agreeing to the schedule change.

He has a mouth and can manage his children's feelings.

Yet he's dumping on you to solve the problem for him. Just don't. Sort your kids out same as always, tell him that's what you're doing and let him figure it out.

. 2 of my kids share a bedroom, everyone else has their own room even though his kids are here less than half the time. But I agreed with that as they’re older. But I don’t want my kids to have less of everything to accommodate my step kids all the time when actually their maternal family spoil them so they’re not really missing out.

Your kids are already having to suck it up for your relationship.

Let your partner figure it out. Keep some presents aside for when his kids go to their mom's for another round of gifting.

If his kids are 14 and 12 then they are old enough to understand that the little ones will only get presents from you but they will get presents later on from their mum.

We were in a similar position to your SC when my half-siblings got more presents on Christmas morning, because we knew we were having a second Christmas with my mum. It was no problem at all.

Sake, here's comes the annual bore.
Just buy them one present each and be done with it.
No children needs loads spent on them at Christmas just cos apparently a baby boy was born in a stable. Which has bugger all to do with us anyway and has just been used to brainwash people over the years they should buy presents...

All this pressure and worry over presents 🫩 free yourself.

OP i have a sorta blended family. Huge age gap so no living together but i am remarried and there are children so….

life isn’t fair or equal. Never has been never will be.

DH talks with his dc who are old enough to understand…that gifts may not match in number or cost. This is true for all gifting…my dd received diamond earrings for Christmas her brother a golf club. Hers was more than double in cost. Everyone happy with their gifts she was surprised and he had requested the club.

you mention the all the dc wanting to spend the time together so hype that up..decorate to the hilt in your new home make hot chocolate and cinnamon rolls and mimosas for you and DH. Buy some MN hated holiday pajamas and wear those. Enjoy the sheer festive mess.

I don’t for one second think you are prioritizing sex over your dc. That was a cruel unnecessary comment. Christmas is going to be great for your dc…enjoy and be in the moment.

The most simple solution would be to tell his older children the truth. Their dad is buying their presents and you're buying yours, they are at an age where they are not Santa believers I'm sure. They surely realise that they have another haul with their own mothers contribution later in the day, so they are not missing out. They are old enough to understand, if your OH doesn't want to be the "bad" "stingy" guy, that's on him.

I get your point op but this post is the bigger picture and nails it.

Given the fact that the DSC are older and their ages (12-14 ) we're not talking about little kids who are going to be upset seeing another little kid get more dolls or Lego sets off Santa.
They are preadolescents perfectly capable of understanding that the reason they get slightly less at Dads house is because Stepmum is sole provider to their step siblings whilst they have two providers.

I’d either aim that they have a similar amount of pressies even if your dh gets some selection boxes/ stocking fillers for his or do some of your kids after dinner when they have gone.

Will your children really notice if you spend a bit less? Honestly I don’t think it sets a good precedent that you have to spend ‘x’ amount every Christmas or they’ll be upset, it might encourage to be materialistic.

Why don’t you take some of the money you would have spent on them and use it during the next year for clubs or activities instead?

To be fair OP given the age difference, even spending the same wouldn’t give them the same amount of presents or “size” of piles anyway. £300 goes a LOT further and will look like a much bigger pile for a 5 year old who’s toys are £20 each and come in huge boxes than for a 14 year old who could ask for something like airpods so £120 and a tiny box, or an aftershave £80 and tiny box.

Sorry I must have missed it but why can’t you just save some presents for later (as I suggested in the second comment on this thread)?

Of course both sexes can be abusive.

However, statistically it’s staggering that children are more at risk of harm from unrelated males rather than females.

They are being treated equally. DP’s children get two sets of gifts. OP’s get one. Where is the disparity ?

They are 12 and 14!! There is an 8 year age gap between my own dc and the elder understood that they would have different amounts of gifts based on their ages, different family members etc.

Blending also means understanding differences between dc. Only on mumsnet have I encountered the 'treat them all the same' trope.

OP, this is easily remedied by either holding some gifts back for later in the day or insisting to your dp that it is on him to explain the distribution of gifts and that overall his dc get more due to their mum. At 12 and 14 they can easily understand this.

I suspect it's more about his ego and not wanting to be scrutinised in some way by his own dc when faced with piles of gifts from your dc. You have included them in Christmas eve boxes and should not modify your plans for your own dc because it suits your dp for everything to match. Remind him things can't always 'match' and that 2 of your dc have to share a bedroom.

Why ? OP is a sole parent. Her kids aren’t going to another parent and getting more gifts later in the day, unlike the step children. I don’t see a disparity here. At all.

It absolutely isn’t irrelevant what happens in the other parents’ house. The fact is that DSC get two rounds of gifts. OP’s children only get one. There is no disparity and absolutely no reason for them to complain. Except on MN where the little darlings are entitled to absolutely everything because they’re step kids.

How old are his kids? Could you not just explain that they get half their presents from you/their dad and the rest from their mum and your children only have presents from you. Personally wouldn’t change my plans for my children’s presents due to someone else having an issue.

OP its perfectly simple and it absolutely isn’t your problem. Your DP explains to his children that you and he buy separately for your respective children and that you spend a bit more because you are the sole parent, and unlike them, your kids don’t get to go to a second parent for more gifts. There is no disparity here except the one he’s creating.