Page 10 | AIBU not to reduce my children’s Christmas presents to match stepchildren’s?

HelloEveryoneHere · 2026-09-24T09:49:08+00:00

have a blended family. This is the first Christmas we will all be together on Christmas morning. I have 3 children, my DP has 2. Generally we still take control of our own children’s presents at Christmas. As money wise it’s a bit tight if I were to add 2 more children I need to buy for. I usually spend X amount for each of my children which is what I can afford. That includes stockings and Christmas Eve boxes. This year is also the first year they’ll be here for Christmas Eve. My DP doesn’t usually do boxes so I will get an extra 2 for them so they’re not left out. But for presents he also spends X amount on them each which is around half the amount of what I spend. He can’t really afford to spend more and says I should reduce what I spend on my kids so it’s equal. AIBU if I don’t do that? I feel that my kids shouldn’t have less than what they’re used to, but also can see that it won’t look great if his kids have less to open. But for me, I have my kids 100% of the time. My DPs kids will go to their mums later in the day and get presents there too, so I feel it’s unfair for my children to get less when generally over all they get less anyway. Moving in together hasn’t saved us money as obviously we needed a bigger house which costs a lot more to run. 2 of my kids share a bedroom, everyone else has their own room even though his kids are here less than half the time. But I agreed with that as they’re older. But I don’t want my kids to have less of everything to accommodate my step kids all the time when actually their maternal family spoil them so they’re not really missing out. But I know kids probably won’t see it that way. What would you do? I don’t begrudge my step kids in any way, they’re lovely kids. But I am a sole parent to mine effectively and feel I need to prioritise them. My DP understands this but says to his kids it will look like WE have spent less on them as obviously the kids don’t know that we keep things separate. Previous years they’ve opened presents separately so hasn’t been an issue.

aloris · 24/09/2026 17:48

Is your partner planning to reduce his spending on his children's activities so your children and his can do equal activities? Is he planning to increase his spending on your children's activities so your children and his can do equal activities?

Nah, I didn't think so.

Ayarreet · 24/09/2026 17:48

MyDpsanarse · 24/09/2026 16:22

Exactly, his DC are old enough to understand this simple explanation Op. Your DP didn't care what you bought for your own DC at Christmas before because it was your money and his DC weren't there to see, it's got nothing to do with you spending to much.

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That's a good point.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 24/09/2026 17:48

Given the age gap I think it’s fine not to be fully aligned. Make sure both get Christmas Eve boxes and stockings. Then for the older 2 maybe find a couple of things to bulk out what they get - box of chocolates, clothes they might be getting anyway etc

Backpain2026 · 24/09/2026 18:17

Another one saying do half your kids presents later when they have gone to their mums.

At their ages its really good to spread the presents out as well so they get a chance to appreciate each one before opening the next

js2ht2andl · 24/09/2026 18:30

You're noy a blended family at all. The kids should all ve your kids as in yours and his. Your income for things like birthdays, christmas, family holidays that you take the kids on should be in a shared kitty. The school funds for them all should be a collective. That's not to say dont have your own money and only you have access but you each chose each other knowing you both had kids. You are absolutely an AH in the biggest possible way. You don't have a blended family. You have two families where the kids from one occasionally holiday with the wicked step mother!

Read Cinderella! Way to breed resentment amongst everyone.

Newname26 · 24/09/2026 18:37

js2ht2andl · 24/09/2026 18:30

You're noy a blended family at all. The kids should all ve your kids as in yours and his. Your income for things like birthdays, christmas, family holidays that you take the kids on should be in a shared kitty. The school funds for them all should be a collective. That's not to say dont have your own money and only you have access but you each chose each other knowing you both had kids. You are absolutely an AH in the biggest possible way. You don't have a blended family. You have two families where the kids from one occasionally holiday with the wicked step mother!

Read Cinderella! Way to breed resentment amongst everyone.

Why shouldn't Op spend a little more on hers if she is the only person buying for them.

There has to be equality somewhere.

MrsKateColumbo · 24/09/2026 18:39

Well your DH can either chose to spend his £400 pm "activity money" 5 ways rather than 2 (thrn you split the present budget) or he can stay in his lane. He's incredibly cheeky to be fine for his dc to get £200 pm each on activities whilst yours get £30ish each and then moan about biannual gifts!!!!

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 24/09/2026 18:49

I think his kids are old enough to understand that they have lots more presents to get later at home, while yours are getting all of theirs in the morning. And that it’s not nice to compare.

tomblybooo · 24/09/2026 18:53

Op you will never ever win an argument involving step children on Mumsnet. For what it’s worth I don’t think you abu. They get two of everything, your kids don’t. It’s actually quite simple when you think about it. I would hold some of your kids presents back though for later in the day as you don’t want to rub it in the stepkids faces.

AllIwantForChrismasIsAKitchenAidStandMixer · 24/09/2026 18:58

Can’t you keep presents back for your DC that they can then have after they go to their mums? That seems like the obvious choice.

Newname26 · 24/09/2026 19:01

@HelloEveryoneHere what does the wider families do?

Do both sets of grandparents, Aunts / Uncles keep the children completely equal too?

Because that could be another gripe his then effectively have 3 sets of Grandparents.

wordler · 24/09/2026 19:05

Spread the presents out for your kids.

I read your latest update so what I’d do is do three lots - morning presents equal to DSC - then a few while DP takes his kids to their Mum. Then the final lot at your parents - those you can have wrapped and delivered ahead of the day to save time.

Will be better for your kids to spread the fun of opening out, and also keep them occupied at your parents.

FactoryRecords · 24/09/2026 19:22

I could be wrong but I wonder from what you’ve said if there’s an element of snobbery from your DP, who thinks that spending on activities is more ‘worthy’ than spending on gifts and that’s part of why he wants you to reduce your spend? Could it be linked to the fact his ex-wife/ partner sounds like she spends quite a lot on gifts?

I think that either you equalise spending on children across the board (including gifts, activities, clothing etc) or you don’t, but if you don’t he can’t dictate your spending on gifts.

Original poster

HelloEveryoneHere · 24/09/2026 19:42

Ok I was a bit defensive before, now I think it’s quite amusing the amount of negative comments on here, including me being a wicked stepmother now! Lol. If that was the case I very much doubt my DPs kids would be asking to be here at a time they don’t have to be and could be with their actual mother. Interestingly they have never asked before I lived with their dad. But sure you can compare them to Cinderella if you like. I think that takes the mick a little bit out of actual children who get nothing. They get a lot, it’s only their dad who doesn’t overdo gifts. But as I said throughout the year they regularly get more than my kids. They also go away every year with DP to see extended family who live abroad. We don’t go just because of cost not because we’re not welcome. But again I don’t begrudge them doing something they’ve always done just so that things can be equal. So I guess I would be a bit resentful if I had to spend less as it seems that I’m the only one who would have to change things so as not to hurt their feelings?
To answer some points:

I think I already said I have my kids 100% of the time so that should indicate that their father isn’t around. He died when my youngest was a baby and long story short they don’t have/see any paternal family. So I am what they have. My parents too in a way but they aren’t really hands on. that is probably why I’m a bit defensive.
to the suggestion that we just don’t live together. No thanks. Unless it’s not working out. My kids love my DP and his kids. We all get on. So why should we separate? Just because of Christmas? This isn’t an argument we’re having, just a discussion.
My DP isn’t horrible. He didn’t demand they have their own room. He actually suggested that his oldest and my oldest share. Again it was a discussion. He will agree with what I want, we just have different opinions and I just wanted an idea of whether IABU.
£300 isn’t that much when I include things like clothes in their presents. They have the basics all year around but if I want to get a nice pair of trousers/top etc for £50 say that eats into a lot of it. I don’t spend that much on clothes otherwise. I keep toys limited so it’s not like they have a vast amount of presents because they all cost £10 each.
The 12 year old I would hope doesn’t sit there counting how much money has been spent but generally there is a focus on how much things are. I bought her a top recently as I was getting my children something and she talked about how much it was. As I said she will compare what she gets or yes if you like ‘rub it in’ that she’s had this or gone there. Mainly to my oldest. As someone else said it might be insecurity etc so I give her some grace. And my kids generally take no notice and move on to something else. I don’t think she’s malicious, just maybe a bit immature for her age. Or just being a kid who likes to talk. As she will also always tell me about when her mum has bought her something new etc. She also compares with her older sibling as well, say if she got more money to take with her to the school disco so I don’t think it’s because there are issues there with me and my kids.

I can’t remember the rest of what I was going to reply to. But horrible or not, I’m sticking to my budget with my kids. I’ll leave it up to my DP as to how he wants to navigate it i.e stagger the presents or just sit down and explain to them why they have less. As we’re not a ‘proper’ blended family as many as you say. Maybe we should just be clear with the kids that I get for mine and DP gets for his, so if they do get less it really has nothing to do with me! As in a sense then maybe we’re not as we don’t pool our money together each month. We have a joint account that pays for the house, bills etc. But the rest of our money is our own. So birthdays for example he’ll ask if I need any money for presents towards my kids and vice versa. Otherwise we just go and sort it ourselves with maybe buying the odd thing that we’ve come across that we think they’d like. But at Christmas I know I’m not gonna be able to do that. Plus it is more of a he doesn’t want to spend more rather than he couldn’t save to get them more if he really wanted to. And I agree in a way. If it was the other way around I wouldn’t all of a sudden want to spend an extra £150 per child just because that’s what he does. But I would never ask him to spend less either.

OP posts:

Original poster

HelloEveryoneHere · 24/09/2026 19:54

FactoryRecords · 24/09/2026 19:22

I could be wrong but I wonder from what you’ve said if there’s an element of snobbery from your DP, who thinks that spending on activities is more ‘worthy’ than spending on gifts and that’s part of why he wants you to reduce your spend? Could it be linked to the fact his ex-wife/ partner sounds like she spends quite a lot on gifts?

I think that either you equalise spending on children across the board (including gifts, activities, clothing etc) or you don’t, but if you don’t he can’t dictate your spending on gifts.

I don’t think it’s snobbery. He is a different culture though where as I said gifts are not the main focus of Christmas. It never has been for him so he finds it really strange that us British (although he is British) people spend a ridiculous amount of money on yes quite often toys that end up in the bin after a few months. And he’s not wrong to be fair. There’s probably many people on here who spend far more than what I do. I only spend that much because I think I overcompensate for what my kids don’t have. Family wise not material wise.
I think it’s very difficult to ensure the kids have an equal amount anyway in general. People have commented about pooling money for school trips etc. But my SC have another parent. They work out money between themselves for that, along with clothing and whatever else they need. The clubs my DP pays for because that’s what they do when he/we have them. They do other things with their mum which she will pay for. So I find it mad that I should share my money towards his kids stuff when they already have 2 parents doing that. And again with my children having less?! As I will then have less money for them each money. Makes no sense to me. All so that they feel just as loved as my kids. I don’t think that would work as it would mean they also get less spent on them and I feel there would be an uproar from you at the suggestion that my SC give up one of their activities so that I can spend more money on my kids. As someone said I will never win an argument on here about SC. And I will be labelled the wicked step mother no matter what I do! Unless what I do is effectively take money away from my own children

OP posts:

Newname26 · 24/09/2026 21:45

Op it makes sense what you do, esp if Dads family aren't involved either.

Would your kids not want to do more out of school activities too?

But I'd be clear to the older kids, they get from both parents, the little ones only get from you.
Also often what older kids are looking for is more pricey than younger kids.

FactoryRecords · 24/09/2026 22:01

HelloEveryoneHere · 24/09/2026 19:54

I don’t think it’s snobbery. He is a different culture though where as I said gifts are not the main focus of Christmas. It never has been for him so he finds it really strange that us British (although he is British) people spend a ridiculous amount of money on yes quite often toys that end up in the bin after a few months. And he’s not wrong to be fair. There’s probably many people on here who spend far more than what I do. I only spend that much because I think I overcompensate for what my kids don’t have. Family wise not material wise.
I think it’s very difficult to ensure the kids have an equal amount anyway in general. People have commented about pooling money for school trips etc. But my SC have another parent. They work out money between themselves for that, along with clothing and whatever else they need. The clubs my DP pays for because that’s what they do when he/we have them. They do other things with their mum which she will pay for. So I find it mad that I should share my money towards his kids stuff when they already have 2 parents doing that. And again with my children having less?! As I will then have less money for them each money. Makes no sense to me. All so that they feel just as loved as my kids. I don’t think that would work as it would mean they also get less spent on them and I feel there would be an uproar from you at the suggestion that my SC give up one of their activities so that I can spend more money on my kids. As someone said I will never win an argument on here about SC. And I will be labelled the wicked step mother no matter what I do! Unless what I do is effectively take money away from my own children

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My point about equalising spending on children across the board wasn’t that your children should/ would get less or that your stepchildren should give up an activity, it was that at the moment your household spends a total of (if I calculated correctly!) £7,680 per year on activities and Christmas gifts; £860 for each of your children and £2,550 for each of his. Spending on his children is higher so if he wants you to equalise the Christmas spending to make it ‘fairer’ he should be offering to equalise the activity (and any other) spending to make that ‘fairer’ too. If he’s happy to have different levels of spending on activities he should also understand there will be different levels of spending on gifts and other things.

Shelby2010 · 24/09/2026 22:06

I still think you’re focusing on the wrong thing. Make the most of being a big, busy family. His kids obviously like the excitement that younger children generate at Christmas. And I’m assuming your children also like having bigger siblings to play with them. None of them are going to be counting presents if they are having fun.

Shelby2010 · 24/09/2026 22:10

FactoryRecords · 24/09/2026 22:01

My point about equalising spending on children across the board wasn’t that your children should/ would get less or that your stepchildren should give up an activity, it was that at the moment your household spends a total of (if I calculated correctly!) £7,680 per year on activities and Christmas gifts; £860 for each of your children and £2,550 for each of his. Spending on his children is higher so if he wants you to equalise the Christmas spending to make it ‘fairer’ he should be offering to equalise the activity (and any other) spending to make that ‘fairer’ too. If he’s happy to have different levels of spending on activities he should also understand there will be different levels of spending on gifts and other things.

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There’s no point trying to equalise spending on a 5y old with spending on a 14y old. That wouldn’t happen even if they were full siblings with both parents living together!

Newname26 · 24/09/2026 22:34

Shelby2010 · 24/09/2026 22:10

There’s no point trying to equalise spending on a 5y old with spending on a 14y old. That wouldn’t happen even if they were full siblings with both parents living together!

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I'd 100% agree with that, even with a 6year gap things are just more expensive for a teen than they are for a primary aged child.

Teen trainers are adult prices inc vat
A bike is bigger and more expensive.
Experiences can often be adult prices from age 12.
A teen is likely to be doing activities for longer and more often than a much younger kid.

Gall10 · 25/09/2026 09:28

Ilovelurchers · 24/09/2026 13:34

Why is it a farce?

Don't do it myself, but that's true of a lot of things and doesn't instantly render them farcical. I guess it spreads the excitement a bit, which probably is fun for the kids and perhaps their parents too? Doesn't seem to hurt anyone. And OP seems to factor it into her Xmas spending generally, so it's not increasing consumerism or debt in her case.

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It’s the perfect bow down to materialism….couple of years it’ll be the ‘Boxing Day box’ Then the ‘day before birthday box’ until we get to the ‘My god, what will I buy today box’
Mumsnet seems to be filled with either those who just don’t know what to do with their 6 figure inheritance or those who are literally scrapping for a living.
I guess you’re in the former category.

Imseriouslyyouguys · 25/09/2026 10:10

HelloEveryoneHere · 24/09/2026 12:43

Given the amount of blended families these days I don’t think that’s true at all!

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Just because there are a lot of them doesn’t mean they work. Just means there are a lot of kids putting up with a living situation they have no control over because their mum wants a new man.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 25/09/2026 10:16

No, why should your children miss out when the other children will get more presents from their Mum ( and maybe other relatives on Mum's side of the family )

Original poster

HelloEveryoneHere · 25/09/2026 10:26

Imseriouslyyouguys · 25/09/2026 10:10

Just because there are a lot of them doesn’t mean they work. Just means there are a lot of kids putting up with a living situation they have no control over because their mum wants a new man.

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Aren’t you a delight. There are also kids in non blended families who have no control over living in a horrible environment because actually their parents don’t get on. Or parents are secretly miserable but staying for the kids (which I guarantee a lot of kids pick up on). You have no right to judge every single blended family and put it all down to bad parenting because an adult dares introduce their kids to another adult. And how dare I enter into another relationship. Whilst people on here might not agree with how my family does things, I believe we are happier than some families out there where parents are still together. There’s something really wrong with people who feel the need to attack something I didn’t ask your opinion on. And without any knowledge of my life. My kids love having my DP and his kids around. And vice versa. We wouldn’t be living together if that wasn’t the case. We didn’t just wake up one day and decide to live together.

OP posts:

Imseriouslyyouguys · 25/09/2026 10:27

HelloEveryoneHere · 24/09/2026 13:40

including stockings and a Xmas eve box I don’t think that’s too excessive. But yes I probably could budget better. But irrelevant as that’s what I’ve always done. And completely different to being able to afford a 6 bed house! If I spent £100 less on them each, would that £300 a year saved buy me a bigger house?!
@Ted27 no his children probably aren’t getting many toys. I think my DP means me (and people in general) spending a lot of money on young kids is unnecessary. His kids obviously want say a pair of trainers that are like £100. So their pile will already be significantly smaller. So even if he matched my budget, unless he was buying ‘tat’ it wouldn’t get them much more anyway. But it’s not about the pile, it’s the money spent. His kids will know as the youngest mainly likes to compare. That’s the only thing I don’t really like but at the same time I don’t want them feeling a certain way that others have said they will.
But despite the responses I still feel my kids shouldn’t get less so that we can buy them more. If they didn’t go to their mums then yes absolutely. So it’s more the how I do that. My DP isn’t horrible, it was more of a suggestion but he is genuinely worried about how it will look. I think he still feels a bit bad that he lives with other children and doesn’t see his all the time (not a reason for more hate for blended families btw)
I could hold some presents back, just feels it ruins the ‘magic’ of Christmas’. Plus after his kids go we will be going to my parents house who are also not into presents really so they spend maybe £20-£30 max on them each. But they do have 10 grandchildren so understandable! Not sure I want the faff of taking the presents there so it would have to be a different day in that case

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“But yes I probably could budget better. But irrelevant as that’s what I’ve always done”

Just because it’s what you’ve always done doesn’t mean you have to continue!

Your children are definitely young enough not to realise you haven’t spent the same or the pile is not as massive as previous years. It would probably be less overwhelming for them to not have such a huge pile of presents and definitely better for the planet (you’ve admitted many are thrown away after a few months, another indication that they don’t actually value the things you’ve got them).

Why don’t you cut your £300 per child budget down to £150 and put the other £150 in savings for them? This would build up to a significant amount if you did it every year and they’d really appreciate that when they’re older and need driving lessons/want to travel the world or similar. Far better than money wasted on a huge pile of toys that they’re not bothered about within months.