AIBU not to reduce my children’s Christmas presents to match stepchildren’s?

I actually think this is a really hard situation. Mainly because fair doesn't always mean equal.

So for me, his kids are old enough that they should be able to understand. So as a starting point I would be sitting down. You, dp and his 2 kids and having a conversation along the lines of either, you guys are older and your wants are more expensive so you might seem like more is spent elsewhere but in reality it is the same or be wholly honest and explain that as a whole between the 2 households the same is spent but half with you and half at mum's.

We had to have a similar discussion with my setepkids when I had dd. They are 8 & 10 years older and were at ages where they wanted event tickets or consoles etc. So whilst we spent a similar amount on them all the piles were always significantly different in size.

My DPs kids will go to their mums later in the day

then do the rest of the presents once they are gone? It's not complicated

Honestly wouldn’t worry too much as even if you spent same due to the age gaps it would look like the younger ones have more. Their toys are big!

I have 3 kids all with my husband / full siblings.

My 13 yr old will likely have more spent on her this Xmas than my 6 year old. Her stash will still look tiny in comparison as 6 year olds toys are just bulkier! All the things she would want are small in size but like £50 each!

I just try buy a few bulkier consumables for my elder kids so that their ‘stash’ still looks exciting when they first come down! Think Poundland raid: A meter long tube of Jaffa cakes/ Pringles, poster in a tube, blank frame wrapped separately to poster, sports equipment etc etc

Just make their pile look just as fun!

Thats what i was thinking

So you:

Don’t want to spend less.
Don’t want to save some presents for later.
Don’t want to pool money and treat all 5 DC equally.
Don’t care that the younger SC will feel hurt.
Don’t want to live separately to avoid the differences in parenting.

Not sure what else you want people to suggest….

Go to your parents 45min later.
Do the extra presents then.

I feel as if you almost don't want to find a compromise.

It doesn't spoil the magic of Christmas to delay some presents, it extends it.

If I was in your shoes OP, I would do a couple of things.

I would tell my DH that he has to meet me in the middle here, as being a blended family is a work in progress, and he has to compromise too. So, instead of you spending £300 on each DC, spend £225, and he has to spend £225 on his.

What I would also do, is something I had to do with my own DC, and that is count the presents. So, say they get 10 presents each. For the older, that could be a main gift or 2, then fillers. In my house you open a present at a time, and take turns so it is obvious if someone had more. Plus my eldest used to count them!! You can put in a lot of fillers like this.

Your DC are small and they can be distracted with "new, better traditions". I would scrap the Eve boxes and go for one big box. So for me, Christmas Eve is about good food, a big box of chocolates/ sweets, some hot chocolate and marshmallows and a favourite movie snuggled under blankets. Then get the older ones to help the younger ones lay out the mince pies and reindeer food.

If you have them before Christmas, try and do fun things with them. Personally I would try and cut back on the money a bit, and ramp up the traditions and fun so everyone is having a great time.

As an adult I cannot remember any of the presents my parents bought me, but I can remember the things we did together, the places we went and the traditions we had.

At those ages I think its quite simple.
The big kids are the right age to get them involved. Just remind them up front they will get their presents split between what dad gets them, and what mum gets them
Yours who are much younger get all the presents from you and first thing in the morning.

If they go to their Mum's later can't yours open some of their presents after the step children have left? Or just explain in advance to the older children that they get two lots or presents etc. I'm a step child. It's a horrible situation when you feel you are lesser than - but a bit of tact and explanation goes a long way.

I find it hard to relate when people half blend their families. Like married couples with separate finances.

Personally, the fact my eldest goes to his dad and gets more presents has absolutely no baring on our Christmas. We are one family, everyone is treated equally. But all our finances are joint and we both buy for all our kids. You would never hear my DH refering to our eldest as "your child".

But you do have seperate families. And seperate finances. You're not one whole family. So it's more like me not buying my kids less because my brother is buying his kids less. But TBF if we were spending Christmas morning together I'd probably save some presents for my kids to open later once their cousin's had gone, can you just do that? Plan a hunt for your kids where they get the extra presents.

Excellent idea

I think it’s actually going to be more difficult because of the age gap. Younger kids presents tend to be bigger & cheaper anyway. So even if you spend the same amount, the older kids pile of presents will look smaller.

At the ages your kids are, they won’t know how much everything costs, so you could easily cut down on the amount you spend without them noticing. Likewise the older kids will have an understanding that you can get an awful lot of Pokemon cards or fidget spinners for the cost of an iPad.

It sounds like the children get on very well and ensuring that continues is worth more in the long run than the extra presents for your kids. If you use this as a starting point, there are plenty of ways to manage this to keep everyone happy. For example the ‘extra’ money spent on your DC could be for joint presents such as board games or video games or garden toys.

You don't want to compromise or deviate from what your little family did at all. But it isn't just you and your kids anymore, you have chosen to join families and should be thinking about everyone in the family.

Perfect

I know blended families get a lot of hate on here and I don’t know why, especially when you don’t know us. You’re saying every single parent can’t ever live with someone again.

Because blending families can damage children. Obviously not always. But a lot of circumstances can disrupted children’s emotional wellbeing and routines. It’s a big adjustment for a child. It also adds a safety aspect as children are more at risk of abuse if they live with an unrelated male.

Anyway, of course single parents can live with other people. But it’s probably best to wait until their children are grown up.

I don't think YABU, and given the age differences between his children and yours, they will be receiving completely different gifts anyway, so the money shouldn't matter. The older ones won't be getting toys etc, whereas I assume the younger ones will. People are suggesting giving half in the morning and the rest later, but SDC will see the additional gifts at some point and realise that they were 'tricked'. Going to different family members on Christmas Day also adds to the imbalance. Going forward, I would make Christmas Day, your day at home with DP and his children, even if only on alternative Christmas's.

At those ages, they will be getting different types of presents and the older ones probably won't be totting up the value of the more toy-based things your kids get, unless you are about to buy phones and iPads and premium trainers for yours.

Helpful advice 👌

Nope, you don't reduce your children's gifts as like you said, his children will be receiving more later on. They are old enough to learn that life is not about getting the same as everyone else and that they should be grateful for what they receive from their father. This will build them to be better, more wholesome adults that are not spoilt or expect life to be handed to them on a plate.
Its not like theyre only going to get an orange each from their father .....

Bit late for that when they've bought a house together that they live in, I doubt they will go through the business of selling up and buying two places. However, in principle, I agree it is better for each to maintain their own home, especially when children are young. Then this type of niggle doesn't arise.

Th

YANBU - I don’t understand why you have to be the one to compromise. You have a budget, and he has a budget, so why should yours have to be reduced?

A compromise would mean both of you giving a little to accommodate the other. If you were genuinely meeting in the middle, then logically the agreed budget should fall in the middle of the two amounts. You could keep the difference to spend on Boxing Day or New Year gifts, when the other children aren’t around.
And if his wife spends more than you do, they’re not exactly missing out anyway.
Ultimately, either you meet somewhere in the middle, or you both accept that his wife does the big present and he does something more modest.

The kids are old enough to understand their big presents are at their mums house. Not sure why your partners position is default considered the correct one.

This just about nails it
if I split up from my partner or he died god forbid I would never subject me kids to this just so “I had a partner” but I know people who do it - I feel it’s very selfish