To be mortified and so upset about how this date ended?

Oh my god, it makes me so sad and angry that any woman puts so much weight on her self worth based on how some random man treats her. FUCK THAT @AmberCatz.

I’d say he knows you’re an attractive woman, so he tried to pursue it, but he’s gay. He’s in denial, and will mess both women and men around whilst “not being sure what he’s looking for”. He can kiss a woman, and have deep conversation, but the sex bit is a problem when he’s gay.

You deserve more than being someone’s distraction whilst they learn to accept themselves.

I don’t think you should have apologised. Or if you should have, so should he. Not for not having sex with you, but for dating, kissing, and then saying he’s not looking for anything romantic. That’s a headfuck, and is confusing info for the recipient.

Chalk it down to experience. But DO NOT lower your opinion of yourself because of the situation/time wasting man.

You are making assumptions about why he didn’t want to have sex with you and you actually have no idea. Other explanations are;

• he was scared of greater intimacy for some reason - doubts about his body, performance, getting hurt etc
• He isn’t sure about long term commitment to you and didn’t want to take it too far and you get hurt.
• he was feeling unwell but didn’t want to say.
• May be he just likes the chase but not a ‘sure thing’.

And may be he’s not attracted to you but got caught in the moment but then realised. That’s ok. Some people will be attracted to you, some won’t. That’s just how it is.

Don’t let this dictate how you feel about yourself. Wrong person for you. That’s ok. Very brief apology and let him go.

Ok so reading your posts the thing that stuck out is that you’re blaming yourself for this when it sounds like a him issue? I have never in my life known a man to snog and grope a woman’s bum and then turn down the chance of sex with her regardless of having work the next day! Especially if there has been a buildup between you.

So unless you have some sort of personal hygiene problem my immediate thought was either:

• He doesn’t like sex with women
• small penis/other big sex insecurity
• has an std

Is he one of these 'thinks he's an artist but actually it's just an excuse for not having a job' types OP? Because being in his 30s and being well known by all the bar staff makes me think you're best off without him tbh. He just wasn't that into you for whatever reason and its basically a waste of time trying to figure out flaky men.

Perhaps you’re an annoying drunk and he just didn’t fancy you .Move on life’s to short.

Have to agree with this

The guy changed his mind as anyone is entitled to do. It’s no one’s fault or nothing to do with how attractive or how unattractive someone is.

It didn’t work out. It’s fine to mourn what could have been but onto the next one!

OP I agree with your best friend, he's a headfuck. I know you feel humiliated, but this is probably a blessing in disguise, in that he's not really the man you thought he was, and if these dates had gone on any longer, you probably would have fallen into the heavy drinking, barfly lifestyle that you left behind a decade ago. Worse, you'd be doubting yourself/lowering your self esteem because of all the weird mixed messages behaviour from him.
Something in that night with him brought out behaviour in you that you didn't like - heavy drinking will do this, and you've long left that lifestyle behind.
Pick yourself up, dust yourself down, hold your head up high, lean on your friends a bit. As time passes, I think you'll see this as a lucky escape.

I did write a post but seems its been took down. I cant believe how people's brains work these days. Maybe he just got the ick she was putting out too soon , maybe her breathe stunk... maybe he couldn't handle his alcohol or needed a shit. Im not saying any of those things are true but branding the man being gay bisexual having erectile dysfunction and actually fully meaning and believing it is beyond crazy and i can tell theres obviously alot of people on this thread that have got through life by being in denial in there own situations and absoloutely deluding themselves. I cant believe this post has got so much attention. Just message him an ask if youve done something wrong or why the change in heart if you want answers or get over it in a few days and move on. Im sure every adult on this thread has had rejection in there life and a confusing head scratcher situation..but its life.

I’d definitely blame the drink for the whole thing.
Whether or not any of the other dark possibilities offered in the thread actually stand up, it doesn't really matter, because here was a man unwilling to shag a very pissed woman. Take that at least as a positive.

I think this is very toxic advice, in terms of dealings between men and women, never mind plastered men and women.
Stopping hasty lust in its tracks is a basic prerogative, and in many a situation, a bloody good thing.

The more I read this thread the more it seems obvious to me why he decided to claim to “not want a relationship” and move on from OP.

And a lot of other walking red flags posting too. A man who decides to not have sex with a woman he knows he is not interested in long term (while knowing she is into him) must be “gay” or have “ED”, “have an STD” or “be concerned about a small penis”.

Good Lord!

It’s insane advice!

Just let it go completely. No follow up, that's already an end.

He’s in the wrong for leading you on. 100% you do not need to apologise. There’s no point in having any further communication with him full stop. He’s not interested which I know feels shit but you’re hungover and hangover anxiety is real! You’ll feel better about it tomorrow. Don’t entertain any further communication from him. Being silent is the most powerful position you can take. If it feels difficult not to contact him block him on everything. If not, just ignore any messages from him and move on

And if a woman snogged a man and felt his arse but didn’t proceed to sex would you say she was in the wrong, he was entitled to sex and she led him on?

For the people saying he does fancy you, he just didn’t fancy sex that night. No. And it’s not helpful to give the OP hope like that. And not just cos he’s a man and “no man would ever turn down sex”. I could believe he’d turn down sex if it was a first date, but if you’ve been out multiple times and built a connection and he was kissing you, groping your bum etc and he still didn’t want to have sex (combined with the distant behaviour, walking away etc) then sorry, but he’s just not that into you. He shouldn’t have led you on and sorry if this sounds harsh but I think it’s best to accept the reality so you can move on with your head held high - he likely “almost” fancied you but just not quite enough. He probably enjoyed your company, thought you were objectively attractive, wants to be in a relationship, really wanted to get into something romantic with you, but he just wasn’t quite attracted enough to you. He likely thought it’d come if he gave it time and he’d feel it eventually, hence all the dates and kissing. But he was in denial and he finally realised that spark is just never going to come. I’ve done exactly the same myself with a guy I went on lots of dates with, I always had a great time with him, thought he was really good looking, really wanted to be madly attracted to him cos he would have been perfect for me, but the reality was I just wasn’t. It’s a chemical thing and not something we can control. I shouldn’t have led him on and gone on so many dates with him, I just kept thinking I’d feel “it” eventually, but if it’s not there in the beginning, it’s really very unlikely to ever be there. I’d just move on and have a clean break from him. No explanations or apologies required on either side

Not in the wrong, but if after multiple dates and building up a connection and lots of snogging etc I’d probably advise the man that she’s just not that into him and he should move on. But the reality is men and women are different and we all know that. A woman’s reason for not wanting sex is often different from a man’s, so that needs to be considered. You can’t really compare it like for like

I think sex is a red herring - this guy went on two dates with her, kissed her, engaged in some light fondling, and then said he wasn't looking for anything romantic, that's the leading on part. Not that he didn't want to have sex, but that engaged in clearly romantic stuff with her, while not wanting anything romantic.

Charitably, I would say that probably this guy just didn't choose his words well, because it's an awkward situation, and said "I'm not looking for anything romantic" when what he meant was "I don't want to take things any further with you".

Just so you know, I have known men in my life to spend a good amount of an evening kissing me etc and when I've suggested going back to mine been told, we have all the time in the world, there's no need to rush.

Theres no need for everyone to keep trying to build OP up by putting a man you don't know down.

All these comments mocking the size of his penis, suggesting he has an STD etc- theyre reflecting really poorly on those who make them.

OP hasn’t answered a lot of the questions asked so…. Drunk man spends evening with woman who gets more intoxicated (ok poss he decided on the extra bars/pubs) as evening goes on, he tries to be nice to avoid a scene in front of her friends… he then decides that perhaps she isn’t for him so he tries to get away whilst she drunkenly follows him demanding an explanation, she then tries to get him to go home for sex. Perhaps rather than being gay/ED/have a partner there might have been that he didn’t find a needy drunken woman unattractive or he was worried he’d be accused of god knows what the next day once she’d sobered up…. And I say this as a woman and in an industry that I see it a lot.

im sorry to be blunt (and perhaps having seen my poor colleague go through it) but if it was the other way round and a
man was saying this some people would be acting differently with their opinions

If he had shagged her and fucked off ,a lot of people on here would be saying you were to drunk to consent and calling rape . So i think he done a good thing .

Agree 100%

This is very interesting. I wasn't aware he was in this same industry you are and you were already introducing him to your contacts