To be mortified and so upset about how this date ended?

Darling, I understand you’re reaching an age where you think you may be running out of time (I am also early 30s) however that does not mean you have resort to obsessing over a gay bisexual man. You’re better than that, and will do better in the future.

This is a blessing in disguise, the dating scene is competitive enough dating a straight man who has shortlisted 50% of the population in his sexual quest. It’s unlikely he would have remained faithful long term. When men are attracted to other men you will never be able to fulfil his needs fully. (Before the wokies come for me calling me sexist or homophonic, I don’t care 😊)

From the way you talk about your weight gain and lack of confidence recently, I think the way you are feeling right now is not about this man, but more so about how your feeling about yourself. Focus on the gym and getting the old you back. In the immediate future, drink lots of water and get an early night. You will feel differently tomorrow.

"Having read all your posts, I don’t think you messed this up at all. I think this is all about him. He strutted off, walking himself home, ignoring you, no consideration for your safety. Regardless of whether or not he went off the boil, this is not boyfriend material.
My take is you were stroking his ego and showing off in a very public way that he is a heterosexual male. And I would think if he wasn’t up for going back to yours, it may be because he’s not really into women and in denial that he’s not bi."

I completely agree with @Mummyoflittledragon. I don't think you messed this up, @AmberCatz. The leading on comment was not okay but frankly he sounds like a bit of a mindfuck and inconsiderate. As @doyougetthevibe has said: he was giving you mixed signals from the outset and the lack of kissing was already causing you confusion and causing you to suspect he wasn't into you in that way. So frankly, I think you now have the clarity you need on the situation and that can only be a very useful thing.

It is disappointing when something promising derails especially after you have been physically intimate - most of us have been there! The biggest will we/won't we of my life - with a guy I had originally had a huge crush on at secondary school and which had spanned a few years of my early 20s - finally came to an end after we actually slept together for the first time... (This is 30+ years ago and we remained good friends but it stung a lot at the time!).

If a man fancies both blondes and brunettes, it's not assumed that this will eventually make him unfaithful. Why so, then, if a man fancies both men and women?

Why so, then, if a man fancies both men and women?

Don’t act stupid and pretend like hair colour is in anyway comparable to gender.

I can't believe there are still people in this thread trying to make a case that they would never dream of making if the sexes were reversed.

Yeah, I didn't think you could. Never mind.

You didn’t mess it up. It’s all on him, working out his sexuality. He’s not accepted he’s gay yet poor bloke. Anyway not your problem.

Thought you did something there didn’t you. Nevermind.

Is it that you don't think bisexual people exist?

Oh no of course they do. Mostly female. Not all. But most.

🚨The bisexual police are out in full force today 🚨

Having read your other thread, he's definitely one for mixed signals.

Feels like he has some sort of rule book he's sticking to in words but not in actions.

I suspect it's more to do with him than you but either way, if something is right if isn't this stressful.

Given you have mutual friends I'd probably just let it fizzle.

Then you'll be mortified to hear you implied that bisexual men are just gay men who haven't admitted it to themselves or others yet.

Agreed.

I think he's perfectly right to say he doesn't want to sleep with her but most of us would express that as 'not tonight', or 'we need to get to know each other better' or 'I'm not ready for that yet'.

To say "I'm not interested in you romantically" is a hard full stop. Which seems odd after a date you've spent snogging.

No no I didn’t. I think this man fits that description though.

OP, you are being really hard on yourself and I do think its the hangover.
No one died here.
You got shitfaced and were a bit cranky.
Him having to work may have been a big part of this.

However, In my experience and I have a lot of bi's around me via my children and friends children, bi is the precursor, often for years, to coming out with a same sex partner.
Never once has it resulted in a heterosexual long term relationship in my experience.

I think there is still an enormous struggle for many to come out as definitely gay.
Far easier to say bi and to be finding yourself.

I suspect this also to be the case with my daughter in her early 20's, she is still very much finding/figuring herself out, before I believe she actually accepts she is gay.

She knows we only want her happiness and have repeated that several times.

I think it is more her accepting this label for herself and what it will mean in her large circle, her future career, she is extremely bright and ambitious.

She's a looker and gets a lot of male attention, probably connected to her genuine disinterest in men around her own age, which makes her very relaxed, witty and good fun.

I really thinknyou should forgive yourself, he has accepted your apology.

I think it's better you found out now as I think it is a definite possibility he is gay and he's working stuff out.

Completely disagree with this!
If it was roles reversed I guarantee you wouldnt be saying there's no shame in him wanting sex and that she led him on by kissing him.
Wow!

Spot on

Sounds like mind games.

It sounds like anything but mind-games to me.

I read it as:
Girl getting drunk, getting frisky.
He happy because he fancies her (or was also very drunk) and reciprocates with the kissing and touching
She suggests sex
He is (any or all of these)
a) wise enough to understand the consent might be dodgy with someone so intoxicated
b) putting the blame on himself (I'm too tired) so she don't feel rejected
c) making sure she understands that sex doesn't equate to lifetime commitment so there is no confusion about what any future offer of sex means
She gets huffy (as we do when we've had a drink and get knocked back)
She makes it his fault.

I'm really struggling to pin the blame on him here.

I think OP needs to decide what she wants from this relationship.

• Casual with optional sex
• Only romantic

Then she can decide how to talk to him next.

Typical fucking mumsnet.
If OP was a man they would have their arse handed to them. No one would be calling the other person a weirdo, a mindfuck, saying they led them on, etc. He can decide he doesnt want sex if he bloody wants, she could be on top of him naked and he's entitled to change his mind! Absolutely disgusting.

Would you really want to be with a man who had the attitude that women can't initiate sex and they have to wait patiently before they bestow it on them?