To be mortified and so upset about how this date ended?

He has the right, just as a woman does, not to have sex or be accused of leading someone on.
You have the right, if he annoyed you and you feel he's rude/blowing hot and cold, to not see him again.
Don't let him upset you. I'd leave it-this doesn't seem to be making you happy.

Hooking up with people and dating around casually doesn’t signal he’s looking for a relationship though, or even looking for casual sex.

I don’t think you come across like he owed you sex, but I don’t think it’s odd that he was up for a kiss and a fumble, especially after a drink, but that he didn’t want it to go any further. He doesn’t have to be the type of man that will sleep with someone regardless, he can be the type of man that just recognises he doesn’t want to take it that far with you – especially after a lot of drinking.

I’m struggling to see how this is leading you on.

You’ll feel better about it tomorrow once the hangover clears. Put it out of your mind the best you can

I think it was just moving too fast for him. Maybe he wanted to take it slow and see how things panned out before sex. If he wasn't sure, it's ok to say no and it's ok to have some intimacy without it having to lead to sex.

Also, you being drunk may have put him off, either that he didn't want drunk sex or that he was concerned that you might regret it the next day, or couldn't fully consent or whatever.

I think it was harsh to accuse him of leading you on and it would not be ok if a man accused a woman of that just because she didn't want sex with him.

Or maybe it was just what he said, he was drunk, tired. Had to work the next day and prefered to have sex another time and asked to see her again.

im really bemused the women who find that odd.

It is possible he wants to 'go all the way' but there's something he's embarrassed about performance-wise? I went out with a guy i got mixed signals from and it turned out he had a stoma due to crohns disease, which was completely fine by me, but he felt he needed to explain beforehand, hence not being able to take things further 'in the moment'. He felt he needed a convo first without the pressure of it leading to sex and then being rejected.

Or maybe he'd had too much to drink and realised he couldn't perform. Some guys are more sensitive than others to alcohol.

If u say so. My experience differs greatly.

@AmberCatz

I'm going to try to give him the benefit of the doubt here. His saying that he has only had 'a few hookups' since his breakup might have been his way of trying to subtly let you know that he isn't ready for or doesn't want a relationship right now. And his 'I'm not looking for anything romantic right now' could have been a badly worded way of trying to be sure you understood that IF there was sex it wouldn't lead to anything.

Do you need to apologize to him? No. He (I assume) clumsily let you know he wasn't looking for a relationship. You misunderstood his previous actions as meaning more than he intended. It was simple miscommunication.

I don't see snogging or holding hands as any kind of a 'promise' of anything so I don't think he 'led you on' by doing either of those. They're just the human need for contact and affection whether in a committed relationship or just a 'casual date'.

My son went through a horrible marital split, his wife cheated on him repeatedly during a time he was recuperating from a near fatal injury (and most likely was cheating before that) and the way he found out about her cheating was horrific. When he finally ventured into dating he made it clear to the women that it was 'simply dating' and that he was not in any way looking for a new relationship. Most of them accepted that and they just enjoyed each other's company then passed on to 'new pastures'. But some felt that dating, and especially sex, had to inevitably lead to some type of 'exclusivity' despite his words to the contrary.

Maybe he just thinks that no good decisions are made after a certain amount of alcohol.

OP you both were drunk and emotional. It happens. Put this guy out of your mind and don't drink that much the next time

So true. Mumsnet always seem to think men are such a stereotype and yet they'd be furious if all women were lumped together. If they step out of the norm and don't want to jump anything that moves then they're gay, a virgin, got an agenda etc etc

Yes I think it was just what it said on the tin. They were both pissed, he was tired and had to get up for work. So wanted to do sex the next time. I think that’s fair, and find it odd people are trying to find other reasons. Like he must be gay or a virgin.

the thing is for many of us, little things can give us the right ick and end something before it begins, and the op being clearly upset and annoyed he wasn’t up for sex, prob made him think not for me.

had she been more sober and thought yeah he’s right, she should have in reality just said to him, you’re right me too, another time, and walked companionably to find a taxi, but the ensuing tiff where it was obvious she was pissed off he wouldn’t shag her, likely resulted in him saying basically it’s done.

people have ro remember he didn’t say he didn’t want anything romantic right away, he only said that after , his initial reaction was I’m tired, I have work, I’d like to see you again. But she didn’t take that for what he said, she took it as he doesn’t fancy me and was upset. Likely due to the drink and she’d decided to progress it. The thing is she had that progression. As he said next time. It was her reaction and fhe resulting altercation that changed it.

Twat. What’s he doing going on dates if he doesn’t ’want anything romantic’ - WTF 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

You are beating a dead horse, move on and find someone on the same wavelength as you

OP, from your last thread, he’s been giving you mixed signals since the beginning. Regardless of whether you were in the right or wrong about exactly what you said to him on this last date (and you’ve apologised so I think you should forgive yourself at this point) this sounds like a man with issues. This is just not the behaviour of a man who is available and/or able to get involved with you, even if just for something casual. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5574495-to-ask-if-you-consider-this-a-real-date-and-hes-flaking?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

Because dating doesn't equal wanting a relationship.

Jut leave it there, if he’s interested he will ask to see you. Please don’t be tempted to respond and keep it going in the hope he wants to see you

I'm impressed by your attitude -- understanding that sometimes you just have to learn from your mistakes.

💯

Having read all your posts, I don’t think you messed this up at all. I think this is all about him. He strutted off, walking himself home, ignoring you, no consideration for your safety. Regardless of whether or not he went off the boil, this is not boyfriend material.

My take is you were stroking his ego and showing off in a very public way that he is a heterosexual male. And I would think if he wasn’t up for going back to yours, it may be because he’s not really into women and in denial that he’s not bi.

He was working the next day and it was late and you'd both drunk a lot. Hell, in those circumstances I'd probably sack off a night with someone I fancied

You wanted him to apologise - for not putting out?

You'll feel less hangxious in due course.

He respects you for the apology you gave him.