Page 15 | AIBU to think this reaction from a friend is bonkers? (and also insensitive)

ChasingMars · 2026-09-21T09:35:28+00:00

Backstory, I have a close friend, let's call her Abbie Scott for ease. We exchange WhatsApps daily, general chatter, have a great day etc. DH also kniws her well, they got on brilliantly, to the extent we are all planning a big holiday together next year. Saturday morning DH has my phone as he's using it to post stuff on Vinted. Message comes through from Abbie, good morning, happy weekend etc. DH replies with 'good morning Scottseroonie' or similar daft appropriation of her surname. I follow up with 'sorry that was DH' laughing faces and then a typical reply and mention that today is rough as I'm taking the youngest to uni. We have talked about this at length over the last few months and she knows I have been really struggling with the idea of an empty nest and has expressed sympathy. I don't get a reply for 6 hours, a reply then comes through just as I have got in the car after dropping DS off, so accept I was pretty emotional, but I was genuinely stunned by this reaction... 'Not funny. Please do not use my surname in this way. It landed badly ChasingMars' A few minutes later another message saying.. 'I hope DS got there ok and settling in'. Which felt like an afterthought. I replied with an apology and said DS was fine but I was struggling. No replyintil the following day when she sent 'I hope today is a better day for you'. AIBU to think this is both a bizarre reaction and completely insensitive timing??? And that I should expect better from a really close friend when I'm going through something really tough for me?

ValueofNothing · 23/09/2026 16:51

She sounds like a nutter. I wouldn't be the first to text her, let her text you. And no way should you be going on holiday with her.

TwinklyAmberSloth · 23/09/2026 17:00

@ChasingMars yanbu to be surprised by her response. I honestly can't see why someone would be so offended by something that was done as a friendly gesture. If someone called me a nickname I didn't like, I certainly wouldn't send such a cold response.

It's things like this that make you question whether you actually knew them as well as you thought.

I'd definitely not be going on holiday with this person!!

YorksMa · 23/09/2026 17:25

You've been getting a lot of unjustified stick, I think, OP. The text from your husband sounds entirely benign and your friend sounds either bonkers or a complete drama queen - and as for 'needing space', WTAF?
It's also perfectly reasonable that you're upset about your son going off to uni - I think the two things are separate. I hope he's settled in well. Honestly though, I don't think I could be bothered with Scottsaroonie any more.

AdeleRochester · 23/09/2026 18:02

In current parlance “all feelings are valid”. Which is fair, you feel what you feel.

However that doesn’t mean all feelings are reasonable or proportionate.

Regardless, she has stated that your DH’s innocent nickname did in fact have a “significant impact” on her and asked for space.

So step all the way back and give her the space she’s asked for. Absolute radio silence.

In my experience this type of person doesn't really want space, they want pandered to and run after, which really doesn’t work for me.

You’ll have to decide whether once she finally deigns to get back in touch whether you are prepared to re-engage on previous terms.

So while she is taking her space. Take some for yourself and decide how to proceed going forward.

HB1625 · 23/09/2026 18:22

AdeleRochester · 23/09/2026 18:02

In current parlance “all feelings are valid”. Which is fair, you feel what you feel.

However that doesn’t mean all feelings are reasonable or proportionate.

Regardless, she has stated that your DH’s innocent nickname did in fact have a “significant impact” on her and asked for space.

So step all the way back and give her the space she’s asked for. Absolute radio silence.

In my experience this type of person doesn't really want space, they want pandered to and run after, which really doesn’t work for me.

You’ll have to decide whether once she finally deigns to get back in touch whether you are prepared to re-engage on previous terms.

So while she is taking her space. Take some for yourself and decide how to proceed going forward.

This is actually spot on!

Original poster

ChasingMars · 23/09/2026 18:26

AdeleRochester · 23/09/2026 18:02

In current parlance “all feelings are valid”. Which is fair, you feel what you feel.

However that doesn’t mean all feelings are reasonable or proportionate.

Regardless, she has stated that your DH’s innocent nickname did in fact have a “significant impact” on her and asked for space.

So step all the way back and give her the space she’s asked for. Absolute radio silence.

In my experience this type of person doesn't really want space, they want pandered to and run after, which really doesn’t work for me.

You’ll have to decide whether once she finally deigns to get back in touch whether you are prepared to re-engage on previous terms.

So while she is taking her space. Take some for yourself and decide how to proceed going forward.

Nailed it I think, thank you.

I am convinced her dramatic needing space was in fact an invitation for me to beg, plead and generally give her my undivided attention, as I have in the past.

She won't be getting it. And yes, once she resurfaces, , I will make my choices at that point, based on my equally valid feelings.

OP posts:

Uricon2 · 23/09/2026 18:47

@AdeleRochester has it right. Back in my youth in the Cretaceous, it was acceptable to say that what people were apparently feeling was an overreaction, unreasonable or just a plain bizarre take on a situation. Very often not being given houseroom, explicitly, with the drama put it to an end.

It's a bit man on the Clapham omnibus. Would most people have created a great insulted grand opera about the suffix '-eroonie' being added to their name by someone they know well and speak to independently as a friend?

Er no. It is not reasonable, and that's before we get to the drama llama rejections of apologies.

Ilovelurchers · 23/09/2026 19:43

ChasingMars · 23/09/2026 18:26

Nailed it I think, thank you.

I am convinced her dramatic needing space was in fact an invitation for me to beg, plead and generally give her my undivided attention, as I have in the past.

She won't be getting it. And yes, once she resurfaces, , I will make my choices at that point, based on my equally valid feelings.

Edited

Show quote history

It doesn't sound like you like your friend very much. And that's fair enough, you are the one who knows her.

But I do feel like you have used this thread to kind of justify your feelings of being hard done to (ignoring a lot of posters who sympathise with your friend, but getting massively behind the ones who agree with you).

And that's your perogative, I guess.

I would just urge you to imagine how it feels when you discover your personal texts are being freely read by your friend"s partner. Even if you like said partner - not really the issue. Most of us message our close female friends in ways we don't want blokes - even blokes we quite like - to be party to.

And not only does the bloke in question read them - he sends a weird, unfunny but supposedly funny, strangely mocking in tone, response.....

Honestly, having experienced EXACTLY this from one of my closest female friends and h a fella - it's horrible! They don't mean it to be - but it is. It makes me feel so pissed off with both of them. I am conflict averse so I never say so, but honestly, it makes me feel stupid, unvalued, mocked, even very slightly violated (in privacy terms at least).

I urge you to consider how your friend might be feeling about this, rather than going along with all the views on her as "bat shit" etc. This is someone you have known a long time, and, I assume, cared for. A feat of empathy now, though harder than simply believing she is a mad bitch, might help you both find a way through this. True friendship is precious, after all.

And I just

Original poster

ChasingMars · 23/09/2026 19:49

Ilovelurchers · 23/09/2026 19:43

It doesn't sound like you like your friend very much. And that's fair enough, you are the one who knows her.

But I do feel like you have used this thread to kind of justify your feelings of being hard done to (ignoring a lot of posters who sympathise with your friend, but getting massively behind the ones who agree with you).

And that's your perogative, I guess.

I would just urge you to imagine how it feels when you discover your personal texts are being freely read by your friend"s partner. Even if you like said partner - not really the issue. Most of us message our close female friends in ways we don't want blokes - even blokes we quite like - to be party to.

And not only does the bloke in question read them - he sends a weird, unfunny but supposedly funny, strangely mocking in tone, response.....

Honestly, having experienced EXACTLY this from one of my closest female friends and h a fella - it's horrible! They don't mean it to be - but it is. It makes me feel so pissed off with both of them. I am conflict averse so I never say so, but honestly, it makes me feel stupid, unvalued, mocked, even very slightly violated (in privacy terms at least).

I urge you to consider how your friend might be feeling about this, rather than going along with all the views on her as "bat shit" etc. This is someone you have known a long time, and, I assume, cared for. A feat of empathy now, though harder than simply believing she is a mad bitch, might help you both find a way through this. True friendship is precious, after all.

And I just

Show quote history

Did you not read the update where I had reflected on the posters who said my friend had a point and subsequently sent an apology, including an acknowledgement that it may be hard for her that DH replied to my message? Contrary to what you have written, I acknowledged early criticism of me upthread and as a result sent my third apology.

That apology received the response asking for time as I had caused significant impact on her and she found it deeply unsettling.

So contrary to what you say I absolutely took advice on board, re thought my approach as a result, but my apology was pushed back on for a third time.

OP posts:

Original poster

ChasingMars · 23/09/2026 19:52

Ilovelurchers · 23/09/2026 19:43

It doesn't sound like you like your friend very much. And that's fair enough, you are the one who knows her.

But I do feel like you have used this thread to kind of justify your feelings of being hard done to (ignoring a lot of posters who sympathise with your friend, but getting massively behind the ones who agree with you).

And that's your perogative, I guess.

I would just urge you to imagine how it feels when you discover your personal texts are being freely read by your friend"s partner. Even if you like said partner - not really the issue. Most of us message our close female friends in ways we don't want blokes - even blokes we quite like - to be party to.

And not only does the bloke in question read them - he sends a weird, unfunny but supposedly funny, strangely mocking in tone, response.....

Honestly, having experienced EXACTLY this from one of my closest female friends and h a fella - it's horrible! They don't mean it to be - but it is. It makes me feel so pissed off with both of them. I am conflict averse so I never say so, but honestly, it makes me feel stupid, unvalued, mocked, even very slightly violated (in privacy terms at least).

I urge you to consider how your friend might be feeling about this, rather than going along with all the views on her as "bat shit" etc. This is someone you have known a long time, and, I assume, cared for. A feat of empathy now, though harder than simply believing she is a mad bitch, might help you both find a way through this. True friendship is precious, after all.

And I just

Show quote history

To add, my texts are not freely read by my partner. One text was read, when he had my phone to use my Vinted account. One text was replied to, it has been accepted that an error of judgement was made and this too was apologised for- I've explained all of this many many times....

OP posts:

LAMPS1 · 23/09/2026 20:17

You have apologised yes…and you did eventually concede (sort of…half heartedly to my mind) the point that she has reason to question how trustworthy you are…and so you apologised yet again on behalf of your DH.

I think that where you are misleading yourself, is in thinking that because you have apologised so many times, you are owed instant forgiveness AND some consideration in turn about your loss by way of your empty nest.

I'm not saying you or your husband are untrustworthy, but your DH really did give her reason to be shocked when he answered her message to you on what she 100% belieges to be your private WhatsApp.
She has simply asked for time to get over that shock and come round to seeing sense … whatever that might result in.

i don’t understand why you can’t understand that she deserves that time out to get over herself a bit.
And I don’t understand why you keep trying to level up your long planned for, empty nest with her sudden shock that she might have reason to feel totally betrayed by you.

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 23/09/2026 22:27

At this point some posters'd have you believing you'd sat on her dog and squashed it to death.

What happened to a sense of proportion?

ShakyBake · 23/09/2026 22:53

I've not had chance to read all the replies after page 1 but I have thought on this and looked at it from a few different angles and I think they are having an affair. Has anyone else suggested this?

Original poster

ChasingMars · 24/09/2026 05:35

After 3 days of silence she has come back with this:

Hi ChasingMars

I have taken some time to understand why DH's message last week landed poorly. I’ve had time to sit with this properly and I would like to be clear about what’s actually unresolved for me because I now understand it’s not just about the inappropriate mimicry of my surname.
There are some things that have caused me discomfort:
Whatever the intention behind it, DH’s addressing me directly with an inappropriate nickname is not his to use-that’s not a relationship he’s built with me and it felt like overreach regardless of how normal it is for him with others. I don’t refer to friends in this way, I had assumed, perhaps naively I now know, neither of you would either.
What’s landed hardest, in candour: you sent me your message with the laughing emojis before I’d said a word in reply - which tells me the two of you had already found it funny between yourselves. Nothing about it’s inappropriateness gave either of you cause to pause beforehand - the only reason it stopped there was that I replied “not funny”, not because either of you caught it as inappropriate or potentially disrespectful yourselves.
When I put it all together this isn’t really about the poor joke anymore. It’s left me wondering how the two of you talk about me when I’m not there, and that’s a harder thing to settle than an apology for a “daft nickname” can address. I don’t expect that you won’t talk about me as a couple-that’s normal and I don’t need you not to-that would be naive and unreasonable. What I need is to trust that when you do, it’s with care and loving kindness not mimicry and cheap jokes at the expense of my dignity.
I don’t need you to over-apologise again. What I need to be assured of is that this isn’t a pattern and that what is said about me between you both stays where it belongs if it’s neither kind nor dignified.
I am left feeling that the trust and shared respect for each other between us ChasingMars has been dented.
Our friendship is important, but please let me be clear, not at the expense of my dignity and self respect.

My reply:

Taken on board Abbie and I am sorry you feel so deeply about this, it simply was a spur of the moment, daft comment that landed badly, and a response from me that was also spur of the moment as I was dashing around getting DS ready with only half an eye on messages - thoughtless but nothing else.

I would hope you would know that I have always given you support and care as a friend, and that at the moment I too have an awful lot going on and some heavy and difficult emotions. It was hard for me too to receive what I perceived as a stark telling off when I was feeling incredibly vulnerable, and then for my genuine and heartfelt apology to then, I felt, go unacknowledged. That isn't to say you did not have an absolute right to say what bothers you - of course you do - but the tone and timing felt a little discompassionate.

I am not defending DH either- he should not have done this and that is without question- but I think he misunderstood as he perceived that the two of you to have a good relationship and that it was understood that this would be viewed as light hearted and affectionate. He obviously got that very wrong - and this was acknowledged and apologised for.

I am actually a little shocked that you would ever think either of us would mock or laugh about you and I cannot fathom what we have ever done that would make you feel this way. I am finding that hard to process myself.

Again, I have reflected that the message was not appropriate, but again, I have already accepted and apologised, and it's difficult to me that it's caused you to question a friendship I feel I have done much to nurture, and that I would willingly do anything at all to damage your dignity and respect. That simply is not me, as a person or as a friend.

I hope you understand that I am not saying any of this to invalidate your feelings, they are of course valid, but so are mine.

Let me know if in time you would like to meet to talk through as I feel doing all of this over text only inflames things further- as we have already seen so much can and is misconstrued.

Take care x

OP posts:

Seabreeze18 · 24/09/2026 05:57

Fantastic reply op!
your friend is obviously feeling very insecure and her mind as taken this silly comment to a different place.

Lemons1571 · 24/09/2026 06:00

It’s all massively heavy. I would just leave it for a good period of time now.

is this part of a pattern of you over apologising, and her enjoying the attention and having you on the back foot? I sense she’s pushing back slightly on you trying to shift this pattern of behaviour towarda a more balanced relationship.

thetinsoldier · 24/09/2026 06:19

Lemons1571 · 24/09/2026 06:00

It’s all massively heavy. I would just leave it for a good period of time now.

is this part of a pattern of you over apologising, and her enjoying the attention and having you on the back foot? I sense she’s pushing back slightly on you trying to shift this pattern of behaviour towarda a more balanced relationship.

Me too.

She sounds intense, self-centred, humourless. I wouldn’t have been so kind in my reply.

And she used AI in her reply 🙄

I’d leave her alone now and focus on other friends.

Todayishatmyself · 24/09/2026 06:42

She’s batshit. Your reply was perfect. Just leave the ball in her court now but reflect on whether you need this kind of friendship drama in your life. She sounds like it’s all on her terms & has zero empathy for the things you have going on. Empty nesting is so tough but it does get better…….eventually. Sending you a hug as I’ve been there & you sound like a lovely person.

lessglittermoremud · 24/09/2026 06:49

Crikey! It’s all a bit intense, one of my friends husbands calls me a nickname based on the fact I’m forever leaving things in his car when he gives us a lift…
I don’t take offence….
If she thought you were a good friend she would know that you wouldn’t treat her with a lack of respect and dignity when she’s not there.
I think your friendship has naturally run its course, don’t go on holiday with her even if she agrees to meeting up after your last message. There is no way your friendship will get back to what it was…
I cry when my children go on residential school trips, let alone going to university…Sending you a big hug!

PinkHibiscusFlowers · 24/09/2026 06:50

Jesus wept! 🙄
Talk about milking it 🥴
What a load of self absorbed AI bollocks

You have given enough time, energy and head space to this crank.
Your excellent response was far more than she deserved (I’d have just sent her 👍🏻)
At this stage, even if she was prepared to stop this texting shit, be a real adult and speak to you, the friendship is dead in the water.
You’ve dodged a bullet holidaying with her.
I hope you and your DH have a great time

TwinklyAmberSloth · 24/09/2026 06:59

@ChasingMars what would annoy me more is how someone you considered to be a good friend could even question something like that, let alone send such an unhinged response.

Sounds like you didnt know this person as well as you thought and she doesnt know you well at all to think such a way.

All that over one greeting.

Personally I think the friendship has run its course.

Springsummertime · 24/09/2026 07:04

Very OTT and dramatic on both parts!

Superhansrantowindsor · 24/09/2026 07:10

Having read the latest reply I would say this relationship has run its course. I would gradually minimise contact and move on. If she thinks you are mocking her behind her back then why is she friends with you. Friendships should enhance your life and make it brighter.

SunshineSpice · 24/09/2026 07:11

You’ve matched her reply well though she’s definitely used AI in hers. I would leave her alone now and definitely not go on holiday with her. There’s a reason she falls out with family and friends regularly.

ItsNotMeEither · 24/09/2026 07:37

This is what happens when two over thinkers text.

If she's upset at the thought of you and DH discussing her and mocking her, she's not going to be thrilled at finding all of your unpicking of this online. Yikes!

As for her first message, I thought she meant she needed time to reflect on why the message upset her so much, not because it had upset her. Not necessarily blaming you, but needing for herself, to work out why she was so upset.

She's done that now and while I think she's definitely over thinking things, I can also see what she means.