AIBU to think this reaction from a friend is bonkers? (and also insensitive)

Well as you've said youve apologied. That is also totally reasonable and shouldnt require grovelling.

Id do the same, let her make the next move and i hope you manage to get it sorted

I agree. She is OP’s friend, not the husband’s friend. No one should reply to messages on another person’s phone without permission, it’s childish and irritating. He obviously doesn’t know her as well as the OP says because his silly use of her name clearly annoyed her. OP’s husband caused the problem.

I really can't judge the reaction as I don't know her but it would really irk me if a friends partner/husband replied to a private message I had sent her. I don't allow anyone to look at my messages. It seems like a overreaction but much of my trust in communicating with that friend would be gone, or I would be guarded.
Your husband had no right to write back to her. It was strange and intrusive to do so.

God she sounds exhausting, what a drama queen. I wouldn’t message her again and would totally rethink the friendship.

'Significant impact, landed badly, need time to process, deeply unsettling'
And the train situation!

Jesus Christ. This is all a bit dramatic. She certainly likes to milk it, doesn't she? She needs to get a grip.

Kindly op, stop apologising now, you're feeding the troll. She just likes people to grovel, by the sounds of it.

As for the empty nest and your child going off to uni, I think your sadness is entirely understandable. As old as they are, they're still your babies.

I think for her to say please don’t call me this is fine, but I agree that the reaction is weird and calling it unsettling is bonkers. I’d rethink the holiday and give her a wide berth now. It will be interesting to see if she ever tells you what was so deeply unsettling, but I wouldn’t be apologising any more or pretending to understand that he’s caused some sort of grievous harm.

'Significant impact, landed badly, need time to process, deeply unsettling'

Put together like that, she's reacted as if the OP told her her firstborn was due to be cast as Uncle Fester.

(You didn't, on the quiet, did you OP?)

@ChasingMars
She’s batshit. She saw your ‘thunder’ with you being upset re: your DS and decided to snatch it. Like a child throwing a tantrum because another child scraped their knee and is getting attention…….

Given your description of the incident on the train, I think this ^ too.

The only area where I think she’s got a slight point is your DH replying to a message on your phone. It would make me uncomfortable, even though she knows and likes him. (I know this has already been discussed comprehensively by PP).

But the rest of it though? I think she’s been pretty awful, tbh.

Many, many women struggle a bit when their last child flies the nest. The emotions are complicated - sadness, pride, pangs of missing them, relief that they’re thriving etc etc. It’s a bittersweet time and often not easy, especially if you now have a big surplus of time on your hands.

She knew it was going to be hard for you, and still made a big bloody fuss about her perfectly normal name. And to add insult to injury, there were two curt check-ins, followed by an inability to accept your very heartfelt third apology.

This wasn’t the time to make this all about her. Sometimes it’s the times like this that seem inconsequential that really tell us a lot about who our friends are. She’s left you hanging at a time when she knows you’ll be feeling a bit low.

Do you value this friendship OP? Or is it one that is there just out of habit? As PP have said, scrap any notion of holidaying together - and tbh, especially given the backstory of her falling out with multiple others, I think I’d let this friendship drift away.

Hope you’re doing ok 💐

Someone did a jokey message to me the other day that landed badly but. Just told them it was too far due to previous trauma and that was it!
the friend seems hard work! Please don’t go on holiday with her as she sounds unstable?

you could always consider respite foster care if that house it too quiet?

Ok I might be reaching here - but is there any chance she’s got a crush on either you or DH? You say they talk on the phone separately? You stay weekends together and planning a holiday (just you three?) - just her as she’s single and you two? Was it you or DH she met first? She’s upset about something and I doubt it’s the scobberoonie whatever message.

Honestly, at this stage I would just be honest and say something like “I must be missing something, or you are reading something into this that just isn’t there”.

I was about to say you're both being a bit oversensitive and unreasonable, but after reading your apology and her psychobabble response, I think she is being incredibly overdramatic.

I totally agree and I think she massively overreacted.

I can understand why she may have been a bit blindsided by the thought of your husband reading your private messages.

But even allowing for that this is a particularly snippy and pompous reaction.

I think she’s having a hard time in her internal world and it’s making her act unreasonably. Think you guys need a break and postpone that holiday. And get more cats!! That’s my plan when the time comes. Though I already treat our two like children. We have an only child (I ignored the unpleasant only child comment earlier) so empty nest will be hard.

But you didn’t cause any hurt! Your husband did???????
maybe your husband should be the one to apologise?
but in all honesty save yourself and back off from them for your own sanity! Get loads of cats!!

Oh stop, it wasn't rude. It was a play on her name which according to OP her DH has done with her friend in person. ..and let's assume she didn't like it, OP has acknowledged and apologized, everything else is just ITT and ridiculously childish and attention seeking.

If she chooses to not believe it's her DH and continue being upset, that her problem.

Have you read all my thread messages with OP? Firstly OP asked all our opinions. I didnt. This is just mine, and if yours is different thats cool. Give OPs yours instead.

Not that it matters but I disagree with you, in so far as when her friend initially didnt like being called the name she said so. I think this is reasonable.

I strongly think if someone says you hurt their feelings you dont get to decide you didnt. We dont know why it bothered the friend or how long its bothered her, but it does so its completely reasonable for her to say so.

However, I do agree OPs 3 apologies in and being ignored which isnt cool. Her friend was upset, she said sorry what more can she do? And if it were me that id either say, what do you want ive said im sorry and said it wont happen again? Is that not enough? Or shed be equally reasonable to leave it in this friends court.