DSS16 living like a hermit and DH seems to be in denial

My brother was like that. He is still doing the same at 47 years old. What do you want the future to look like?

Do you live close enough that he could actually see friends or is it too far away? The screen time might worry me but I was the same as a teenager to I was just reading.

I suppose it depends on your relationship with him. Did he talk to you before or was it all through OH?

Probably anything you do will end up wrong so, other than suggesting you all go to a Comic Con or similar, I'd leave it to Dad.

We had this and I just bribed bribed bribed (yes I won’t be able to write a psychology book for parents😉). So can you help me with x, can you come here with me, family board game with take away/ cake/ food/ money! Other times I pretended to tidy his room but would chat to him about his games or what he was watching. I honestly think some teens need as much parenting as young kids. Then he’d chat a bit at times and get things out which was great (he might be happy and all might be ok or there could be a problem or maybe he just misses his home) . But your dh is his dad and while obviously you can do these things or help, it shouldn’t be on you (saying that obviously it’s better someone steps up!

Is there not space for him to have his own room in the actual house? How is he just simply opting out of the routine of the household, including skipping every family meal? Has your husband tried "inviting" him for specific things he might enjoy - to share a takeaway, for example, or to go out to a sports event or film or concert, or even just watch together on TV? They must have some common interests! Learning to drive doesn't seem like a relevant or viable solution as the son is already walking over to the house when he thinks no one is around/awake; he has no need to drive in order to take part in the household or interact with his dad and you.

I disagree with posters saying it’s your DHs problem and nothing to do with you. Young people needs the responsible adults in their lives to support them . You clearly care and it does sound as if he is struggling. If I were you I’d make sure his mum knows but also try to be a friend to him . It will take a long time and you’ll probably get ignored etc but chipping away with kindness might help him open up eventually

He stays out in a converted garage gaming all day to avoid human contact.

is this his bedroom and if so, why is he separate from the rest of the family in the house?

He’s 16. It’s not unusual at his age so leave him be .
You don’t need to babysit him .

Yeah, leave him be,
it’s not like we have a mental health epidemic in young people ….

no as someone who has a mother and a father it is not the dads girlfriends place to step in and do a thing unless it has been discussed and spoken about between the actual parents. I have a step chlld who is 13 only comes to dads every other week because that’s the set up they have they talk every day and sometimes we have him extra. If there’s an issue I give my opinion but I don’t get involved and try to insert myself into it. In my opinion yes we can care yes we can try to help but you cannot walk into that room and demand him come out of it or demand he comes off his game or eats with the family it is not going to go down well.

i unfortunately live in a flat and I witnessed the child being left on their own for a short while I seen the child then I seen both parents leave without the child then I seen the parents return but no sound going on from upstairs so there was no adult present cause I hear every footstep so I reported. I also work in the early years industry again I fill out a safeguarding form if I’m required to do so if there’s a concern or risk. As a step parent I think it’s a role to become the child’s friend especially at the age of over 10-11 it’s not your job to be a 3rd parent more of a friend in my view. I believe and see my partners ex as a good enough mother she doesn’t need me to do her job

you think it's normal to hide away from his family, peek round corners to make sure no one is around if he needs to come in for food, and to sneak around the house at night in the dark so as to not draw attention to himself?

I don't know anyone who's teenagers are like this. it's worrying in your circles this is typical behaviour. it doesn't speak well of you and your friends

I haven't said she should demand or become I third parent. I'm talking about the posters saying it's absolute9nothing to do with her. you'd talk to your partner, you'd report a concern, so not the posters I was talking about . it's the whole "not my monkey, why should I give a shit " mentality

I know it's an MN cliché these days but this honestly screams neurodiversity to me. Has DH ever considered autism?

Probably absolutely normal. DSS might need time online to wind down as a kind of escapism. It is likely to be a passing phase.

Your DSS is still in full time education. Ask you husband to get in touch with the pastoral team in his college and talk about your concerns, they can help. Sometimes it takes someone on the outside to get through.

i agree with you that it’s worrying.
I don’t agree with just leaving him be your the adult in the house it’s okay to get involved with him and try to get him involved with the family.
you could try having Sunday dinner/ Saturday night out or takeout? Just start trying one thing to get him engaged .

Online escapism for 48 hours a week isn’t normal. Even if it is for some it’s not healthy or desirable. She says he’s a hermit and he is.

He’s being failed and it’s going to ruin his life. He’s not going to magically step away from the incredibly addictive games, wake up one morning and decide to go for a jog or make some real life friends when he can stay in the cocoon he’s created and been abandoned to of darkness, nocturnal living, no weekend social interaction.

Autistic people are all different. Up until the start of sixth form my autistic teen DD didn’t socialise out of schools. She has hobbies that she attends but that’s it. No group chats and no seeing school friends outside of school. Had been like that since she was little. But halfway though sixth form she started to grow closer to one particular person and is now dating them. They spend a lot of time together and again my DD sees no one else really. She doesn’t have a job. Couldn’t cope with a job. And when she has been out all day might end up in bed for the next few days to get over the social experience. She doesn’t game but does sit up in her room a lot here when she’s not with the friend.

It is possibly that your DSS is undiagnosed autistic and if your DH is missing the cues then he could be too. But remember autistic people are all different. Some socialise a lot and others not at all.

Autistic people are all different.

It's very strange OP doesn't know this if she has an autistic DD...

Do you try to drag every autistic teenager out of their room and force them socialise, saying their behaviour is so undesirable? 🤔

I know everyone is saying that it's not your problem, but it's clearly concerning you, and as another human being, never mind Step Mum, I think you should at the least be trying to get to the bottom of what's going on, and see if there is anything you can do to help him. He may be fine, and quite happy to game all weekend, but on the other hand he may have mental health problems, and shutting himself away from the world could be making them worse.

I have a few questions for you OP:

How long have you been with his Dad?

Have you ever been able to have a conversation with your Step son?

Has he ever sat down and had a meal in the house with you and his Dad?

Do you ever knock and go in the garage and talk to him?

Do you have any children of your own?

This appears to be the life of a lot of young people these days who have just ducked out of life and a lot of parents are facilitating it . They live in an online world and lots are homeschooled so are totally socially isolated
As a camhs nurse we see it all the time. It will be a interesting workforce in years to come

This must be so upsetting for you. This boy sounds so depressed and clammed up. Please try and get through to him even though his parents won't. I would think some small mandatory cyclical task would be the first step in getting him socially engaged. This might be going shopping with you or just going for a short walk. No need for conversation and do this on repeat. If your husband won't do his job in all conscience you are the only other adult who has the authority to help at the moment.

I think you should talk to him or continue to push your DH. I saw a documentary on teenage suicide and the conversations we should be having. Don’t just ask ‘are you ok’. He’ll just say yes. Ask questions like these:

1. “What is your headspace right now?"
2. Why it works: It is less overwhelming than "What's wrong?" and allows them to talk about school stress, friendships, or internal intrusive thoughts at their own pace.
3. "How has your body been feeling lately? Any strange headaches or stomach aches?"
4. Why it works: Anxiety and depression frequently manifest as physical symptoms in teenagers. Tracking physical changes can reveal underlying stress even if they claim they are "fine".
5. "How have you been sleeping? Do you find it hard to turn your mind off at night?"
6. Why it works: Changes in sleep patterns (insomnia, sleeping too much, or revenge bedtime procrastination) are major clinical indicators of mental health struggles.
7. "What do you do when you're feeling low on energy or totally overwhelmed?"
8. Why it works: This helps you understand their active coping mechanisms—whether they isolate themselves, use self-care strategies, or rely heavily on digital distraction.
9. "What do you wish adults understood about what you're experiencing right now?"
10. Why it works: It removes the personal pressure from them and gives them a safe platform to express frustration, angst, or the feeling of being misunderstood.
11. "What was the hardest or worst part of your week?"
12. Why it works: Broad questions like "How was your day?" trigger reflex answers ("Good"). Zooming in on specific lows gives them permission to share negative experiences.
13. "Is there anything going on with your friends or at school that has been weighing on you?"
14. Why it works: Social dynamics, peer exclusion, and bullying heavily impact teenage mental well-being. This opens the door to discuss their relational health.
15. "If you ever felt like things were getting too heavy, who outside of me would you feel safe talking to?"
16. Why it works: It establishes a safety net. Teens sometimes avoid telling parents out of fear of causing worry. Knowing they have a school counsellor, GP, or trusted relative ensures they aren't isolated.
17. "How can I best support you right now? Do you need me to help solve it, or just listen?"
18. Why it works: It establishes collaboration over control. It tells your teen that you respect their boundaries and are there to provide whatever specific type of comfort they need.

Actually I have to disagree based on personal experience. My son was like this and I supported him, I fought for him against similar advice such as yours and now he is very successful in his life. He will never fully lose his social anxiety but most people will never know. In my humble opinion it is best to support our children to live each of their individual lives on their terms acknowledging and allowing for any particular characteristics such as in our case ADHD. If we try to force our kids into social norms when this causes them distress we run a very real risk of their having long term mental health problems as a result of the stress.