DSS16 living like a hermit and DH seems to be in denial

how long have you been in his life? what was your relationship like a year ago?

why is he out in the garden to sleep? has he never had a room in the house?

if he's unhappy at his Mom's would his Dad consider having him full time altho he might actually have to PARENT so probably not.

Does anyone go out and knock to tell him lunch is ready etc? Does DH go and suggest going out somewhere or is he happier to adicate any relationship or responsibility cos "he likes it in there"?

I feel for the lad. To me his behaviour suggests depression and low self-confidence. He needs good mentorship and some kind of therapy otherwise he might end up as a socially isolated NEET with a gaming addiction and low prospects. Your DH needs to step up, stop burying his head in the sand and work on improving his son's confidence. Could he get a part-time job, volunteer, join cadets etc? Something like learning boxing, martial arts, gym, sports club etc might also help. Could his father take him fishing/camping? I know he's not your son and you don't want to interfere. His father really needs to do more.

I find this idea that because he's your step-son you have no say over anything really bizarre. He's living in your house and you presumably have some kind of relationship with him and want the best for him. You can try to engage with him even if your DH won't. It sounds like something has gone wrong - bullying, depression, awful online content rabbit hole, trouble with a girl/boy... who knows. But he needs someone to help him, because at 16 he doesn't have the experience to know how to get himself out of it.

What would happen if you went and knocked on the door and told him to come for a walk with you in 20 minutes? Or invited him out for some food? Actually tell him you're worried about him, he needs to see daylight and talk to people.

Your DH is useless, but you already know that. If you don't want this kid maundering away in your spare room until he's 40, you need to do something. If his parents aren't going to parent, someone needs to.

I do find it quite sad that there's a you lad here who seems to be struggling with something and the attitude on so many posts is "we should only care about our own children" and "at least he out the way" or "I'd stop him visiting".

what happened to it takes a village? or family is more than blood? are you also the kind of people who look away if you see a parent slap a kid or turn up the volume so you can't hear the streaming next door? if not where's the line? why is it unreasonable for op to care about a child who's life she's chosen to be in?

Points to depression induced social withdrawal. There's some information in this website, including what might help. There are many other resources online too.

How Teen Depression Drives Social Withdrawal in Teenagers

Does he have his own space at his mums house?His own room?

Both of his parents aren’t interested, he has no real life friends, didn’t get the points he needed, poor boy.
Teenagers and toddlers are very similar when it comes to guidance and navigating the new world, it’s not the time for take your foot off the pedals.
Hopefully when he finishes his exams this year he’ll branch out, find his tribe, people who are interested in spending time with him.
You are right OP. It is not a good set up.

This is not for you to "tolerate" @mistymoooo

Gaming for hours, at his age, is not unusual, at all.

What is heartbreaking is that neither his Dad nor his Mum seem in the least bit interested.

Your conversation needs to be about your husband's total lack of effort.

I think if he’s out at school/sixth every week day then it’s less of a concern than if he was at home all the time.
Its not good and doesn’t sound healthy but I suspect is the same for quite a number of young people who aren’t into sports and whose interests are based online. Not hugely different to staying in a bedroom rather than a garage.

As nearly always the case in blended families you have a DP problem. I would find it hard to respect him given he seems to have little interest in supporting his child.

I know you have no relationship with your DD’s mum, but if I were her I would be completely grateful to you for flagging this up with me. I don’t understand people here saying stay out of it as it isn’t your son. If you had extended family who were struggling or even a stranger in the street, should only their birth parent help? Ridiculous.

Obviously this needs to be handled extremely sensitively but your dh burying his head in the sand isn’t a solution. I say this as someone who had similar problems with my son.

My neighbour’s daughter is like this and has been for years. Her parents left her thinking it was normal teenage behaviour but it’s very extreme. She’s 18 now. When she was in schhol she was dropped and collected by her parents every day and it was the only time she left her bedroom. At weekends she lies in bed until 1pm but then stays in her room on her tech all day. Doesn’t ever leave the house or interact with her parents. I haven’t seen her in months. It’s very sad. She is a very shy girl. She never sees friends. Her blind in her bedroom is permanently drawn and has black mold growing on it as a result. I don’t think her parents know how to help her

I think its disappointing that people seek to normalise this behaviour. It isnt and shouldnt be viewed as normal. Its extremely unhealthy, its given lots of excuses that he's tired, wants down time, might be ASD, hes a boy, he's a teen, its a phase

It needs challenge.

It sounds like like he’s no friends
its an incredibly difficult age to make new friends
leave him be hopefully he will come into his own when he starts work or college

I was similar to him but used to sit in my room watching tele
I had a shit time at school bullied couldn’t wait to leave no friends
nothing highlights it more and makes you feel worse is telling you you should be out with your friends ( which you haven’t got )

OP look up “Hikikomori” - DH does need to take action.

Do you live anywhere near his friends? Is distance an issue?
does he have any hobbies when he is not with you?
is he just bored and can’t reach his friends?
why do you not all have a Sunday toast together and why aren’t meal times a family affair?
do the son and dad have any shared interests like golf?
why isn’t the son helping with the DIY or learning some skills at least?
does anyone actually ever plan anything for him to do while he is with you all? Cinema, meal out, bowling or anything?
does he excercise or have a gym membership or bike?
are his friends aloud round? Could you suggest he brings a friend to stay over too so he has some company?

Def not normal to be like this. The only time my DC were like this was when their MH was rock bottom. Your DH or the mum should be addressing this head on. Is he like this all the time or just at yours? Even if he’s decompressing he can still come out of his room - go for a walk, eat a meal in the main house.

Lots of posters are bombarding you with questions but the problem is your husband.

The teenager wants nothing to do with you, so your choices are about if this marriage serves you, and if you respect and cherish your husband after seeing his failures.

If DH is doing diy all day and not really mixing with the family, he's not setting an example in terms of familities communicating and doing things together.

Do you get on well with him? He might say 'no', but you could ask him if he'd like to go out for breakfast/coffee&cake treat, do something like bowling/a local place he might enjoy. Obviously he might say 'no' but at least you've tried.

Can your DH speak to the wellbeing team at school? Has he kept up his studies?

I agree it is not right. Even if he has autism he still needs to be encouraged to engage in something other than gaming (says a mum to two autistic teens who just want to game all day long).

What a sad state of affairs? DSS sounds quite lonely and depressed but gaming for 48 hours when he comes to stay at the weekend is unacceptable. DH needs to build a relationship with his son by talking and encouraging him to go out with him socially. He also needs to interact with OP more too. He's been avoidant and rude by sneaking around when he thinks no-one is around. Maybe turn off the wifi for a while will encourage him to at least come out of his room and ask why? Encourage him to cook a meal for everyone if he needs something to eat, it will help to become more self sufficient but hopefully with a more sociable attitude to others in the house. It hasn't helped that he's been allowed to act like this when he joins you for the weekend - so time to change the set up - everyone sitting together for a chat first off and see how things move on from there. Expected boundaries to be discussed and so on. You are all basically adults (well nearly) so you need to act like adults and interact with each other.

DH needs to talk to his son’s mum about an action plan.
He needs cadets or something, most meet twice a week. It’ll be outdoorsy and adventurous, he’ll learn cool skills and be out in the real world.
Wifi turns off at 8pm and doesn’t turn on until 10am. Games consoles in living room.
But his mum needs to really have a similar routine… or he’ll just stop coming to his dad and stay in his comfort zone of screen addiction and doing nowt.
They need to do something together, get him involved in DIY, a game of uno, something.

I know 2 people with sons like this. In both the behaviour escalated to such a level that they couldn't leave the house. Both were (eventually) diagnosed with long standing ME that had passed but had left them with severe anxiety.

I think you need to find out what he's like at school and with his mum. The right intervention at this stage could be crucial.

OP this lad is lucky to have you looking out for him -
his parents seem oblivious to the problem that is clearly here but you can see it and are rightly concerned
your DH has his head in the sand / can’t be arsed / in denial
so I think the decent thing would be for you to step up, as frankly no one else is going to,
I’d try and open lines of communication with him if I were you. Try to give him sense of safety and ability to open to you and let you know what is going on / wrong -
I think you are right to suspect mental health deterioration and that doesn’t generally just sort itself out when someone is in shut down … it just gets worse, reach out to him, be persistent and kind - don’t give up

people will here say not your problem / responsibility / etc

but surely someone in this young person’s life should reach out and not just do nothing because that is what others are doing -

Autistic spectrum is very broad, no two autistic persona are alike, and ASD looks very different in girls vs boys so you cannot really compare.

If he had been a bubbly sociable child all those 10 years, then suddenly completely changed 6 months ago, then there may be some other reason for this. If he's always been sort of introverted, he's likely ASD and just stopped masking.

Could also be that his gaming addiction is getting worse, seriously addicted gamers eat very little as the game wouldn't wait.