DSS16 living like a hermit and DH seems to be in denial

My teens aren't that extreme, they will come and have a chat and will eat with us. They also go out occasionally, but most of their time is in their bedrooms. It seems crazy to me as I was out everyday at that age but that's not how it is anymore. My DD would like to go out more but her friends don't go out much. Most of their socialising is at home online or in school. This is the age group who went through lockdowns at the key stage of social development, I think it's caused a huge shift in how they socialise.

Sadly a lot of teenagers are trapped in this cycle. DH needs to bring him for a meal, to the cinema, bowling, he is in a hole and probably doesn’t have the sense or experience to change his life. The other thing is, he’d have online friends so he chats to them.

It isn’t healthy. The adults in his life need to help him, the coming out at 10.30pm is normal enough, as soon as we go to bed, DD starts moving around the house.

There needs to be a balance. Taking him out socially on a Saturday, it would help, if he has no RL friends he has no where to be.

Can you go in there and ask him to teach you gaming? Just be an unthreatening presence for now? A few hours here and there? If his parents aren’t doing anything and you can’t tolerate seeing it?

How do you know what he's doing on.tje computer all the time? Is anyone monitoring it?

He's a shut in. Physically, emotionally, socially and mentally extremely damaging.

I wouldnt tolerate it in a shared house. The room must smell as well no doubt? Food and a teenager shut in there for 48 hours straight?

Not sure how to force the issue, but its not ok.

I think the lockdowns are a bit of a red herring. Children who were already like this, are still like this, they enjoyed the fact that they had an excuse to stay away from othe rpeople, you saw it with adults as well, the most it did was give validation to excuses about people 'not being able to cope with the world'

You have to be taught to cope with the world so in that respect children who werent taught that will be on the back foot and obviously parents who didnt bother to ensure that their children had social experiences, family experiences or role model social behaviour now are going to have children who will struggle.

Add on top of that whatever other things may be going on, depression, attachment dysfunction etc. This child needs help but you can only do that by being forceful, most kids are not going to see they have a problem and want to explore that.

Its hard. I'd be arsey and say he isnt coming to stay unless he lives a normal reasonable existence while in our house, but of course its your husbands house as well and his son so not sure you can do that.

What does he say when you say eg “dinner is ready, can you come sit at the table?”

Does your DH ever buy tickets for the football or cinema and say “come on, we’re going out” to DSS?

I just would never tolerate this from my DS who is almost the same age. He would be a bit like this if he had had the opportunity but he’s been cajoled, persuaded, encouraged and sometimes just told - that he has to do something positive and constructive with his days. Now he’s getting older, he gets it and is appreciative that I didn’t just let him rot.

However, my exes DS was like this too and never had the same grunt work go in to supporting him to be the best version of himself. He later became a failure to launch and he seems to believe he’s incapable of everyday tasks. I know if I had been ‘allowed’ to guide him it could have been different for him.

I’m sure you’d have thought of this but it’s not as simple as him having nothing to do at yours is it? As in, his life is at his mum’s and he’s forced to leave it behind every weekend? Because at 16 it’s totally fine for him to not want to hang out with his parent/step parent and he might just be waiting for the weekend to be over with. Or even acting out a bit of a protest?
I wondered whether your dh is clinging to the driving licence solution because that’ll mean your dss won’t be stuck at yours away from his everyday life.
It’s good that you care and you have every right to.

You have a husband problem who has let this teenager become isolated. He has a short window to save his son rather than taking the easy route.

My son had been a little like that but I'd coming out if it now at almost 18. It's very worrying but also very difficult to tackle. Would your DH offer to take him out to eat? That was once thing my son liked.

Maybe his DM doesn’t let him game all day in peace.

I wouldn’t worry about it he’s not your son so not your problem and equally it’s not like he’s in the bedroom next door playing games or sat on the sofa taking the living room up. It’s not on you to question or change it’s on father and son and if you start going in interring it probably won’t do you well.

This is something for your DH to sort.

He can tell your DSS to do DIY jobs with him/make or eat dinner etc but hes choosing not to.

So I'd just leave them to it TBH.

If he’s got into the habit of being in the room all weekend with dad busy and no one seeking him out he may just feel he isn’t wanted/ welcome. Equally he may enjoy having 48 of gaming and is addicted. Dad really needs to instigate a conversation with him!

Push DH to f

Hmmmm, both my teen boys have been like this to a certain extent. DS1 changed when he learnt to drive and got an apprenticeship after school. He suddenly saw how boring his life had been and now he travels the world!

DS2 is 16 and spent most of the summer holed up in his room, although he does engage with family meals and goes to football once a week. His spirits seem to have lifted after starting college and doing a subject he loves. He's looking for a job but yet to find one. But definitely his favourite place is still in his room, gaming and listening to vinyls.

I actually think a lot of teen boys are like this and they eventually snap out of it.

I was like this, not at 16 as I got a job and a boyfriend but probably 14-15. I was an only child and spent a lot of time PC gaming and reading. My mum and dad weren't doing anything interesting at the weekends - cleaning, washing the car, watching sport.

Sorry phone went weird. Push DH to find something else: music, cooking, watching football, whatever. The converted garage could be fabulous or it could make DSS feel he’s being pushed out. Would he be tempted by some nice food, a takeaway maybe? It’s a lot for you but I couldn’t relax knowing there was another person in my house isolated and reclusive. He might actually love his independence in there but he needs to come out for meals and s chat from time to time.

You're in a difficult position if neither of his parents are willing to see the problem and work at it.

I have a very introverted, autistic 15yo who needs a lot of down time, and chooses to play games and watch special interest videos on youtube for much of it. This weekend he has been running at parkrun, volunteering at junior parkrun and been to Warhammer. He's also played chess when his night time curfew has kicked in. He's not motivated to hang out with friends at all, but he has done a mixture of physical and off-line things with a sensible balance.

48 hours of near continuous isolation in a room actively avoiding family is not a healthy behaviour even for quieter teenagers.

Thinking driving will be a magic cure is delusional because he currently has no motivation to drive anywhere.

Really he needs his dad to step up and do things with him. Being in a car together is good for less direct conversation as it's side by side. I often sit next to my teenagers when eating out rather than opposite. The cinema is also a good way of getting out and triggering conversation. My two are Minecrafters and I dabble with it as a form of connection, as it's nice to understand their world. It sounds like the poor lad is very disconnected from both his parents at present at a time of a huge social and maturity change.