DSS16 living like a hermit and DH seems to be in denial

Leave to DH it's not your son

I wouldn't accept it as a parent but you arent.

My son is like this but he has autism and struggles with the outside world.

It sounds extremely worrying but you can’t do anything about it, which is very sad. As a step parent no one ever thanks you for caring more than the parent does, you’ll be trying to push water uphill even trying to change the dynamic. What’s he like at his mum’s? Does she know what’s happening when he’s with you? It can’t have always been like this, when did it start and what precipitated it?

Do you know anything about how DSS lives when with his mum?

this is really a DH problem. He should be engaging with his son, joining him in the gaming, encouraging him to eat family meals and be less isolated. You can’t fix this unfortunately.

Poor child. Has been failed and still being failed. There must be hundreds of thousands of kids like these, what hope do they have of becoming a functioning adult. It’s very sad and completely the fault of the parents.

What is your relationship like with his mum? Could you speak to her?

What kind of relationship do you, or did you have, with him? Could you have a quiet conversation with him and ask how he’s doing, if he has any worries and if there’s anything you can do to help?

He is 16, so what happens during the week. Is he at school or college? Maybe he is finding the situation there very stressful and the weekend is when he decompresses. I would want to know about the rest of his week before I started to worry.

Could you gently suggest to DH that he at least eats dinner with the 2 of you?

Also, does the son actually want to learn to drive or is this DH just being hopeful/delusional?

'He feels like he’s doing a grand job as he’s always had him every weekend and half of every school holiday'

How do YOU feel about his parenting though, because im getting the impression this isnt the first time he has insinuated he's a spectacular dad because he does the bare minimum, has he always been one to shy away from the hard bits?

Your DH is a crappy parent.
Whats your relationship with his mum like? (The ex I mean not your Mil!)
I agree with you it’s concerning and it’s not healthy… how close is your relationship with your step son? You could offer to host him mates or similar. When he’s there at yours, you could do things like go to the cinema / out for dinner with him & DH, does that ever happen?
You could also have broken internet one weekend that he’s there and see what else he does to entertain himself….
Your DH is not engaging much by the sound of it and I agree with you/ can see why you are concerned. (Ialso wondered if he is smoking weed? Don’t ever let that happen or it’s game over)

There is probably nothing you can do as a step parent of a child who doesn't even live with you. But, of course, this isn't ok and is hugely concerning and your husband should be engaging with his son - involving him with DIY, having a catch up conversations with him in the evenings, maybe even joining him in gaming (and I would advocate for any gaming, computer and TV devices only being accessible in the family room). The issue is unlikely to resolve when he learns to drive. Where does your husband think the kid will be driving if he has no friends and no activities outside the house?

Part of it is normal behaviour for an introverted 16 years old. It's important to respect their need to isolate themselves to recover from the week.

However, this is extreme and could indicate a social problem. Does he friends at his mum? How is he doing at school? How was he before? Does he otherwise have a good relationship with his dad? Any issues at home with mum?

Many factors to consider to decide whether this is a concern or not.

Firstly it sounsa possible that both your son and husband are autistic ? Or are st least both introverts

My child is autistic and i make sure they don't completely lose themselves to indoor life

Whatever the reason this is obviously not a great situation

For me. I would need total honesty and facing up to it from your dh in order to believe in him as a partner.

Perhaps it's an important haven for DSS. How about try and have a dinner together over the weekend? He perhaps finds sixth form overwhelming and needs the quiet time. It may not be a bad thing.

DD2 (17) has ASD and ADHD. She has a job, drives, has friends, goes to the gym and is sociable. But sometimes needs a lot of alone time in her room to recharge her batteries. It's a haven for her.

Is he stoned?

He feels like he’s doing a grand job as he’s always had him every weekend and half of every school holiday
No one could possibly think they're a successful parent for this, that's less than part time parenting, and your husband isn't even parenting when his son is in the garage.
There's nothing you can do, but do you not want better from life than this?

Also is he just gaming, or potentially online with undesirable contacts?

If neither of his parents care you're on a losing battle.

I'd be repulsed at a man who had failed his kid so badly. The lack of care, lack of parenting, and choosing to barely see him. The son is going to be hugely resentful, rightly so, if he's not already.

I feel sorry for him too, reading that. You say it’s only happened in the last 6 months - is there a reason? Have his previous friends moved to different schools? Is he in classes where he knows nobody? Has something happened in his life to upset him? Is he being bullied?

He sounds like he’s depressed and avoiding you. It could be that he wants help but is paralysed by the depression, or doesn’t know how to ask for it or is scared to raise the subject. Gaming to such an extent isn’t going to help poor MH.

I know he’s not your son, but I couldn’t leave him like this. I’d give you DH an ultimatum: you talk to him or I will because he’s clearly suffering. I’d follow through with that too, and I would gently talk to him if his father won’t.

It's your house, OP, so you have a say on the situation. But I agree with PP that it would make lose respect for my DH.

It sounds very difficult, kind of especially as the step parent, hoping the actual parents can get a handle on this.

What's your own relationship with SS like? Or, what was it like before this happened?

As a way in - He does have a hobby - gaming - can you get him talking about that? And find out if he plays online with regular others or alone?