DSS16 living like a hermit and DH seems to be in denial

I was just like your stepson I had an horrendous time at school I was bullied from the day I started to the day I left
just wanted to keep myself to myself my bedroom was my sanctuary felt happiest in there just on my own

when you go out and see everyone with friends and doing things it’s sole destroying and if you will rubs your nose in it
every now and again my mum would get on at me about going out and meeting friends to the point I’d just lie and go out and wonder round for a few hours in my own to get her off my back
THERE IS NO SILVER BULLET to get him friends and a social life

i came into my own when I started work and joined a gym got a social life and a friendship circle never looked back

It sounds like it's reached the stage with your husband that you need to scream and shout and stamp your feet if necessary OP, as his son needs help, and he needs it NOW!! In your shoes I would be tempted to say to him 'I don't care if you think I'm being patronising, and yes, I am criticising your parenting, as you're not actually doing any, and your son is suffering because of it!' Are you scared of what he'll do if you really kick off about this OP?

Personally, if he's not prepared to step up, and you can't get through to the lad, I think I would find myself needing to walk away, as it seems that your DH really doesn't care, and I couldn't live with someone like that, but obviously the choice is yours.

What "parenting"? He's having a laugh.

He has MH problems, as evidenced by the fact that he cannot function normally.

He needs an intervention.

Oh what a shame the mother said that. Perhaps speak to her again and explain that it currently doesn't cost you. If she had felt that offering money would be the only way to incentivise her daughter, maybe she could "privately" pay her daughter to babysit for you, so that her daughter wouldn't know that she was paying. All very difficult.

The neighbour approached me and asked me if we would old her daughter to babysit for us, I think it was her way of trying to help her. She wanted us to pay her a fortune an hour though and we already have family that babysit for us so we didn’t take her up on the offer. It would be difficult to approach the girl with another idea like gardening etc because I would need to go through her mother and she would control the whole thing. Yes it’s definitely difficult to watch

That sounds awful. The problem is if left, it is quite likely to continue for years and that will be her reality. I know it's not your problem, but perhaps you could ask for the daughter to help with a problem - gardening, housework or some help with tech? Seeing and knowing what's happening right across from you must prey on your mind.

he should definitely be more comfortable with you. Do you go on weekends away, days out, visiting family/ friends or a summer holiday?
how is he away from his computer will he socialise with you then?

Thanks for answering my questions OP, so it seems that you've been in your Step Son's life since he was 6, in which case I do find it quite surprising that you don't feel able to approach him about what's going on. As you've said that he does come in to have dinner with you, I think it would make sense to use this time to ask the questions posted by 'Rocknrolllife' above, as they are all what you call 'open' questions, whereas the chances are, that unless you're in sales, you might be asking questions that can be answered with yes or no answers, which really close down a conversation.

You say that he might be with you for a full 48 hours, but you perhaps only see him for 10 minutes in the whole of that time, so if your DH isn't stepping up to help his Son, then in your shoes I would be. I would be making a point of going into the room where he locks himself away, and asking him to come and join you in the house, even if he only wants to do gaming, as at least that way he will know that you actually want him there. Maybe the fact that his Dad is too busy doing DIY, makes him feel like he's unwanted, and in reality, most lads of his age from a broken family, wouldn't be bothering to go and spend much time with their Dad if they felt like he didn't want them around. Ask him to tell you about the games he likes to play, what it is he likes about them, maybe even ask him to show you how to play, if you think it would help. Have you ever suggested that he might like to bring a friend over with him for the weekend?

It seems to me that you really either need to take on some responsibility for this lad yourself, or have a very firm conversation with your DH, about teenage boys and suicide. If you're not aware of the statistics of this, then I would suggest that you Google 'Teenage boy suicide rates UK', it really is a huge problem, and neither you or his Father would be able to forgive yourselves if this young person was to take his own life. It seems that his own Mother is so wrapped up in her own life, that she's not taking notice of what's happening with her son, and as human beings, I think we all have a duty to help anyone who we think is struggling.

Actually I have to disagree based on personal experience. My son was like this and I supported him, I fought for him against similar advice such as yours and now he is very successful in his life. He will never fully lose his social anxiety but most people will never know. In my humble opinion it is best to support our children to live each of their individual lives on their terms acknowledging and allowing for any particular characteristics such as in our case ADHD. If we try to force our kids into social norms when this causes them distress we run a very real risk of their having long term mental health problems as a result of the stress.

I think you should talk to him or continue to push your DH. I saw a documentary on teenage suicide and the conversations we should be having. Don’t just ask ‘are you ok’. He’ll just say yes. Ask questions like these:

1. “What is your headspace right now?"
2. Why it works: It is less overwhelming than "What's wrong?" and allows them to talk about school stress, friendships, or internal intrusive thoughts at their own pace.
3. "How has your body been feeling lately? Any strange headaches or stomach aches?"
4. Why it works: Anxiety and depression frequently manifest as physical symptoms in teenagers. Tracking physical changes can reveal underlying stress even if they claim they are "fine".
5. "How have you been sleeping? Do you find it hard to turn your mind off at night?"
6. Why it works: Changes in sleep patterns (insomnia, sleeping too much, or revenge bedtime procrastination) are major clinical indicators of mental health struggles.
7. "What do you do when you're feeling low on energy or totally overwhelmed?"
8. Why it works: This helps you understand their active coping mechanisms—whether they isolate themselves, use self-care strategies, or rely heavily on digital distraction.
9. "What do you wish adults understood about what you're experiencing right now?"
10. Why it works: It removes the personal pressure from them and gives them a safe platform to express frustration, angst, or the feeling of being misunderstood.
11. "What was the hardest or worst part of your week?"
12. Why it works: Broad questions like "How was your day?" trigger reflex answers ("Good"). Zooming in on specific lows gives them permission to share negative experiences.
13. "Is there anything going on with your friends or at school that has been weighing on you?"
14. Why it works: Social dynamics, peer exclusion, and bullying heavily impact teenage mental well-being. This opens the door to discuss their relational health.
15. "If you ever felt like things were getting too heavy, who outside of me would you feel safe talking to?"
16. Why it works: It establishes a safety net. Teens sometimes avoid telling parents out of fear of causing worry. Knowing they have a school counsellor, GP, or trusted relative ensures they aren't isolated.
17. "How can I best support you right now? Do you need me to help solve it, or just listen?"
18. Why it works: It establishes collaboration over control. It tells your teen that you respect their boundaries and are there to provide whatever specific type of comfort they need.

This must be so upsetting for you. This boy sounds so depressed and clammed up. Please try and get through to him even though his parents won't. I would think some small mandatory cyclical task would be the first step in getting him socially engaged. This might be going shopping with you or just going for a short walk. No need for conversation and do this on repeat. If your husband won't do his job in all conscience you are the only other adult who has the authority to help at the moment.

This appears to be the life of a lot of young people these days who have just ducked out of life and a lot of parents are facilitating it . They live in an online world and lots are homeschooled so are totally socially isolated
As a camhs nurse we see it all the time. It will be a interesting workforce in years to come

I know everyone is saying that it's not your problem, but it's clearly concerning you, and as another human being, never mind Step Mum, I think you should at the least be trying to get to the bottom of what's going on, and see if there is anything you can do to help him. He may be fine, and quite happy to game all weekend, but on the other hand he may have mental health problems, and shutting himself away from the world could be making them worse.

I have a few questions for you OP:

How long have you been with his Dad?

Have you ever been able to have a conversation with your Step son?

Has he ever sat down and had a meal in the house with you and his Dad?

Do you ever knock and go in the garage and talk to him?

Do you have any children of your own?

Do you try to drag every autistic teenager out of their room and force them socialise, saying their behaviour is so undesirable? 🤔

Autistic people are all different.

It's very strange OP doesn't know this if she has an autistic DD...

Autistic people are all different. Up until the start of sixth form my autistic teen DD didn’t socialise out of schools. She has hobbies that she attends but that’s it. No group chats and no seeing school friends outside of school. Had been like that since she was little. But halfway though sixth form she started to grow closer to one particular person and is now dating them. They spend a lot of time together and again my DD sees no one else really. She doesn’t have a job. Couldn’t cope with a job. And when she has been out all day might end up in bed for the next few days to get over the social experience. She doesn’t game but does sit up in her room a lot here when she’s not with the friend.

It is possibly that your DSS is undiagnosed autistic and if your DH is missing the cues then he could be too. But remember autistic people are all different. Some socialise a lot and others not at all.

Online escapism for 48 hours a week isn’t normal. Even if it is for some it’s not healthy or desirable. She says he’s a hermit and he is.

He’s being failed and it’s going to ruin his life. He’s not going to magically step away from the incredibly addictive games, wake up one morning and decide to go for a jog or make some real life friends when he can stay in the cocoon he’s created and been abandoned to of darkness, nocturnal living, no weekend social interaction.

i agree with you that it’s worrying.
I don’t agree with just leaving him be your the adult in the house it’s okay to get involved with him and try to get him involved with the family.
you could try having Sunday dinner/ Saturday night out or takeout? Just start trying one thing to get him engaged .

Your DSS is still in full time education. Ask you husband to get in touch with the pastoral team in his college and talk about your concerns, they can help. Sometimes it takes someone on the outside to get through.

Probably absolutely normal. DSS might need time online to wind down as a kind of escapism. It is likely to be a passing phase.

I know it's an MN cliché these days but this honestly screams neurodiversity to me. Has DH ever considered autism?