AIBU for taking our young children home before the wedding meal?

Yanbu. My BIL got married a few months ago. My 3 year old did stay for the meal but thankfully they arranged for the kids food to arrive before the adults. She was collected just as she finished eating and it was the best decision. I put her pjs on after the food and she had a sleepover with her cousins. Kids under 5 and weddings are stressful, I spent the day running after her and didn't relax until she was collected.

I would perhaps point out that with your DH on the top table (?)/ best man duties you'll be trying to wrangle them both at once and the likelihood of them therefore being disruptive during speeches is quite high....

How much food do you think a 3 and a 1 year old will eat?!
The B&G will NOT have paid for full plates for them...

It's all very well the bride and groom saying they want them there but most likely on the actual day they'll barely interact with them as they'll be enjoying themselves with their friends.

@Emma198800 - if your sister is willing to hang around and help out during the meal, can you keep the children there for the meal, and see how it goes? If they are unhappy or acting in a way that is spoiling the day, then people will understand why your sister is taking them home - but if they cope well enough, they can stay a bit longer - if that makes sense.

I will say that it is a lot to expect a 1 year old and a 3 year old to sit quietly and behave appropriately during a formal dinner and the speeches afterwards - it’s not a reflection on them or on your parenting - it is just a very big ask of small people.

Another possible compromise would be your sister taking the children away during the meal and speeches, which would be the hardest part for them and for you to cope with, and then they come back for a while for the dancing.

I’d just nod along and say, “okay we’ll see”and then just carry on with Plan A Nobody will care on the day. If anyone asks just say they were feeling tired so they’ve gone for a nap, might be back later, vague vague.

Wouldn’t it make more sense for them to skip the ceremony and be there for the fun part?

At my sister’s wedding in May, I was Maid of Honour, and my DH went back to the hotel with our youngest two aged 3 and 1 from 8pm after the main reception meal. I stayed on at the venue for speeches/ first dance/cake with my eldest who was 7.
Im so glad we did that. I got to enjoy the speeches, raise the toast, and dance with my DS. It would have been horrible with the younger two there. They were already at the ceremony, dinner, and photos, absolutely no reason to keep them up after 8pm and ruin everything.

No - but they could well have paid £30-40 each for them - if the caterers charge 50% of an adult. Plus put them on the seating plan and potentially prepared bespoke favours. It's very late in the day to be only now discussing this.

I agree with this. Don’t make a song and dance about it, just do it. No one will notice. ‘Oh little Jonny got tired and he’s just having a nap’ if anyone asks.

I get why you would want the children out of the way, so that you can relax and enjoy yourself. Why wouldn't you?

However, this wedding isn't about you. Its about your husbands brother getting married and the family occasion that this is. Your children are their family, why would they not want them there? I think its lovely that they see them as a big part of the family and welcome them to be part of their big day.

And its also reasonable for the grandparents to want their grandchildren to be part of this lovely family event.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable here.

There are very few all-family events; basically weddings, christenings and funerals. Events where we reinforce and even celebrate the bonds of family. You might see it as 'I want to relax' but I'm inclined to see it as you excluding your children from forming those bonds of family. The rest of the family is willing to pitch in to care for the youngest scions of the family, so relaxation should be possible! Get a grip.

I agree with @Pinkflamingo10 they won’t be the ones managing two children who are bored during the meal and speeches. They won’t be spending much time with your children at all, so why make out them being there after the ceremony and photos is going to make the day less enjoyable

Having been to weddings of DH's cousins when DS was 7mths, 8mths, 2 years and 4 years old and ending up doing most of the child wrangling despite promises of help, I'd definitely say stick with your plan.

They won't benefit from being there for the meal and speeches. You'll just be annoyed.

The only wedding I have enjoyed was BIL's when DS was 10 as he liked the meal and happily charged around with his cousins until I was ready to leave.

You spoiled your argument by the phrase “surely he should put me before what his parents want”
.There have been a few posts on here recently where people are bent on making a point that their husband should put them first on all occasions even if it puts him in an awkward situation and upsets someone else.
I can understand that you would enjoy it better if you could relax but if he and other relatives are willing to help I would go along with what his family prefer as it’s their family wedding. It’s not for long.

I hope he doesn’t have to do ‘bed’ man duties 🤣🤣🤣

You are being unreasonable it’s his brothers wedding. Imagine if it’s your siblings weddings and he is saying this…

Tricky, i don think theres a right or wrong answer.
Generally id say if the bride and groom want young children at their wedding celebration meal id go with that .
If i felt for whatever reason it wasnt in the childrens best interests id go with your option of sending them home before the meal/speeches.(with an explanation of my reasoning)
Im from a culture where it would be unthinkable not to include children .
Id me met with horror if i said i dont want my children here because i want to enjoy my day.
Having said that, if i said my children wont cope well with the formal setting for long periods and i dont want to spoil your day that would be accepted.
Good luck.

I was in exact same senario years ago kids same ages & DH at top table. I had to leave the room and wander around with DD during the speechs as she started crying.

I think it makes perfect sense to have your children there for the ceremony/ photos and then have them collected. Wedding meals are long and leisurely social occasions so its difficult for very small kids to sit for hours and you want to enjoy the occasion too!

Yes, this.

They want stunt children. 🍍
In reality a one year is going to get tired and crabby fast and you’ll be left carrying one whilst the other is under the table or wants the toilet but will only go with Mummy. I speak of what I know.

It’s not your day though is it?
go out with your friends on a different day.
the family want the kids there, your husband probably wants them there.
its not that hard and plenty of kids go to weddings and it sounds like it’s child friendly.
its not your day at all, it’s a wedding of your husbands family.
I don’t really get your thinking tbh.
if it was a child free wedding and no one wanted kids there then that’s one thing.
it sounds like you just need a break for. Them and this was your opportunity, but find a different opportunity. Book a weekend away at a different time.
I don’t think this is the right place to make your point.

Normally you hear about the opposite way round situation mostly these days - guests insistent on the kids being there but the bride and groom don't want kids there. I'm in complete agreement with you. Guests will be able to let their hair down and have a good night without worrying about kids. I'd jump at the chance of easy childcare being offered by a sibling for my kids. Bride and Groom must be mad to insist on it!

They will be there for the mingling. They will be at the ceremony and there for the photos and they will get to see everyone and get admired. There will be plenty of time for family to spend time with them. By the time everyone sits for the meal I can guarantee you no one will be interested in taking care of small children and poor OP will end up going outside with them or barely eating her own meal. I think your plan is a great one OP.

They’ll want them for the photos

As as an adult I’m usually done with a wedding by about half way, I’m sure the novelty for a 1 and 3yo will be over well before that! That’s why we didn’t have an evening do at our wedding

I’m sure most relatives will be running for the hills rather than wanting to look after 2 tired and restless children during a meal. Maybe OP can plonk them on the top table with DH if he and his family want them and she can go and eat in peace at her table.