AIBU to go to a concert while my husband’s mum is dying?

If it isn't obvious to you that you should cancel then that's an issue

You are using your mate as an excuse. You want to go to the concert. You may not know your MIL well but you do know your husband and it is poor form to go to see the ABBA thing whilst your husband is close to losing his mum. Do the right thing.

If it were me I would rather you went than hanging around waiting for something to happen. It could take days, or weeks in my mother’s case.

you're amazed that other people don't all think and act exactly the same as you? Okay....

Everybody is different. OP's DH might be fine with her going out. He might be visiting his mother so she wouldn't be there with him anyway. Or he might actually want some time alone to process stuff. You don't know. Nobody does other than the DH so all OP can do is ask him.

People don’t generally sit in hospices for months.

Also, people who’s loved ones are dying don’t want to be asked to make decisions for their spouse or anyone else, they’re already grieving.

Your friend needs to get a grip if she wouldn’t take kindly to not going on an ABBA night because your MIL has the audacity to be on her deathbed.

So much needless drama.

I think it’s such an easy decision. ABBA Voyage isn’t a one off concert. Give your friend the heads up you can’t attend (pay for your ticket) and let her take someone else. Then, following your MIL’s death and her funeral you can rebook. To everything there is a season….

The OP's DH isn't at home...

Ask him what he thinks.

I've been married to DH for 5 years , buy I've only met her maybe a dozen of occasions. We exchange cards at Christmas, but never call each other or anything. My DH sees her after work several times a week.

He visits her several times a week, and you see her maybe twice a year?

Since you haven't been any kind of partner in his relationship with her, I can't see why he'd want you there, to be honest.

When my dad died, I really didn't need my DH with me. He was home with the kids and I was having private quality time with my dad in his last hours.

Likewise when my FIL died. My DH was up there at the hospital with his mum and sister. I was home with the kids.

I would cancel or find someone else to go with your friend. I would not be asking what DH would like on the grounds that it should be obvious.

Different take from me but only because I wanted to share that everyone has different experiences and emotional needs.

When my mum died there was an overwhelming feeling of being so very very alone. This is despite my brothers, sisters and dad there. I was so glad to have my DH drive me to the hospital (she was in a palatine care ward) and mist of all drive me home.

However it was a long drive for me.

Also I found trying to be “normal” for the kids a very big burden at that time. They were upset too and comforting them was very hard.

No, not always. Someone who has good relationships has them across friends, family, work and interests. The obsession that family tops all is quote frankly wierd.

I wouldn't go. Watching a parent come to the end of their life can be horrendously traumatic and people can't always predict how they will feel/react and what they will want. I wouldn't want to risk my DH coming home to an empty house. I would want to be there for support - he might want an hour's distraction, he might need someone to talk to, he might not know what he wants.

People saying "you can't put your life on hold" - obviously you can't stop turning up for work, there are some commitments you have to keep, even through difficult times. But I think you can put your social life on hold for a few days or weeks if your partners parent is dying. It's not like it's going to happen very often. And there's a difference between popping out to meet a friend for coffee etc and going on a big night out to a concert, where phone reception might not be great, you might not hear a call. I can't imagine enjoying a concert while my DH was going through that. And if my DH prioritised his friend while my parent was dying, I'm not sure I could see past that.

When my DM was dying (unexpectedly, but had about 2 days to be with her at her bedside) we had guests staying with us in our holiday home. DH was all for staying up with them and sticking to his original dinner plans with them. I told him in no uncertain terms that I needed him with me, and to be honest, almost 5 years on, I still resent the fact that I had to spell it out and to ask him to cancel his bloody dinner plans.

OP, you may not be close to MIL, but she is your DH’s mother, and I think you need to be there for him, unless he is actively encouraging you to go to the concert.

I agree! This seems really strange to me. If she has been living near enough to you for him to see her several times a week, then why have you only seen her on average twice a year (half a dozen times in your 5 year marriage)?

There are certain times in your spouses life where they should come first. Losing a parent is one of them.

Go to the concert and enjoy it. Your DH will, naturally, be with his mum. You will be there for him when he needs your support after she has died. He doesn't need you to be sitting at home, life on hold, until she does.

I would ask dh and if it’s only a few hours I would go. But that is me knowing my dh well.
Either way u will feel guilty!

I know your friend has issues and going will help her, but cancelling in this instance- I think she will understand that your dh needs you around. Nothing might happen but even if it doesn’t, it matters more that some things get put on hold

I was at the coach park about to get on the coach to London for the theatre when my MIL took a turn for the worst, I didn’t get on the coach. You should be there for your husband.

I think it would be poor form not to be there to support your husband. I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself with that going on in the background anyway.

Actually no I don’t. I don’t see how one evening at what is a short concert (admittedly we don’t know the travel times) equates to “not being there” for her husband who’s need for support will be ongoing after his mum dies. Not hanging around like a lemon every waking moment doesnt mean shes abandoned him. If he’s up at the hospice every night he may not even be at home until the OP is anyway. Obviously if mum dies or they get the call that it’s going to happen today that’s different.

People also seem to have forgotten that the OP lost her own parents when she was very young but the compassion doesn’t seem to extend that far.

I don’t think you should go.
Probably one of the biggest/worst things that will happen to your husband, irrespective of his childhood.
just be there. Not for MiL - for your husband.

You not being close to your MIL is irrelevant !!
I’m presuming you’re close to your husband, it’s him you should be there for .
So fucking what if you’re just waiting at home for him to get home from Hospice???.
Being completely honest your “ life goes on “ , is a pretty shitty thing to say aswel .