AIBU to go to a concert while my husband’s mum is dying?

Cancel the concert and don’t ask him. You shouldn’t need to ask. There’s no equivalence between supporting a friend and being present for your husband as he goes through the worst experience of his life. Watching a person die is traumatising and can be horrific.

I don’t think I’d forgive a partner going to a concert in these circumstances. I think I’d struggle to forgive even needing to ask.

They certainly don’t need to maintaining over the days of his mother dying, no. Announcing that you’re going to have fun and go to a concert while your husband sits by his dying mother’s bedside is awful. I wouldn’t forgive it in a marriage as someone who has sat by a dying loved one’s bedside. It was a horrific and traumatising experience and I honestly think I would have thrown something at a partner who cared so little to go to a concert.

I was in your DH’s position when my mum was dying. We’d booked tickets for the Harry Potter Studios months before for me, my H and the kids. If you’ve been, that’s £££. There was no way I could have gone but insisted they went without me.

the important thing was that H asked what I wanted / needed. It was fine and I wanted them to have fun at an otherwise crappy time.

Definitely ask your H but I’d be inclined to go.

However you feel about your mil, surely you like your husband? Don't you want to be there as support for him?
If my husband chose to go to a concert when my parent was literally dying I'd be devastated and would be reconsidering my marriage.

I went with DH and DS to see Bryan Adams while my Dad was in hospice. He very much approved of good music!

ABBA Voyage is £££. I would ask DH. I assume you aren’t going to be away days

I would really want to be there for my DH. He may not be able to say or do anything. Grief affects people in different ways but I’d want to be there so that if he needed me I was with him. It would be no reflection on my view of MIL- it would be about DH.

Difficult as he may still be at her bedside. But if he was back home and she had already passed, he would likely want you around. Yes your friend would be upset, but if he had just arrived back after losing his mum then yes it would be heartless to just go out to Abba Voyage. If a friend didn’t see in that situation why you’d prioritise him then not really a good friend.

You’ve seen her a dozen times in 5 years and he sees her a few times a week and at Xmas you just swap cards ? How did that happen? This all sounds a bit off.

My ex (and he was my ex of a few years at this time) got on the first train back from Europe the day my dad died. Largely as I needed to travel and he needed to take care of the kids, but also as he knew I had no family nearby and he would knew i’d need some support. So yes, definitely expect that support from a partner.

Cancel. What if she died in the middle of Mamma Mia?

You can always make it up to your friend.

She has days to live and you’re worried about a concert? Fucking hell even if he said he’s fine he’s not going to be fine if his mother dies and you’re out having the time of your life at a concert. Some common sense has to surely kick in to realise this???!!!!

Well I'm with the (surprisingly low) majority on this.
It's a concert that has presumably been booked months in advance, and has cost a significant amount of money.
It's only a few hours ffs, it's not a weekend away.
OF COURSE she should go to the concert!

If, my mum was dying I would want to spend time with her, but I absolutely wouldn't expect my husband to put his life on hold.

I don't think you should go.

Matter of days could be anytime and I wouldn't want to be singing and dancing at a concert whilst my husband was sitting with his dying mum/coming home after being with his potentially dead mum

I'd also judge my friend if they took me cancelling badly in these circumstances.

I'd just quietly tell my husband that I wasn't going out anymore, I'd offer to go and be at the hospice/close to the hospice as well just in case he did want me there or close by to support him at the hospice straight after her death if you don't feel comfortable being in the room

How far is to get to Stratford from your house/the hospice? If it's not that far, then I'd go, especially if he's at the hospice with her, and then he can call if the worst happens and you can go home. I'm pretty sure there's signal in there.

It's 1h40m long with no interval, so even if she does die then it's not like he's going to go home immediately. He'll be with her for a while.

When my dad died my husband couldn't come and be with me as although dad was end of life, it was quicker than expected and we couldn't get anyone to watch our toddlers at such short notice

I really wanted ny husband there. And wish he could have been there in the aftermath but he couldn't come until the next day.

The lack of childcare was unavoidable, going to a concert is totally avoidable and I'd feel hurt if in our situation, he'd have chosen a concert over being with me.

I think someone expected to pass in a matter of days is something that people can put their life on hold for

Not going to a concert because a relative is dying is not abandoning, is prioritising. If said friend gets funny about this I would end the friendship then and there. There is no way I would put my friends above my husband. Plus, friend's crisis, unless magically she finds a man and make a baby in record time, is ongoing with no pedictable end. The MIL dies once. Friend should not rely on others to such extent to manage their mebtal health.

My mum was in the hospice 3 years ago.
I saw her every day, sometimes twice a day as I’d go out then visit.

I went to the things that I’d already planned but she was still my priority.
I can put my hand on my heart and know that I did everything I could.
If DH had something planned, I’d tell him to go and he was close to her.
We knew that she was terminal, obviously, but it happened quicker than we thought.
I walked out of the theatre when I got a message to say that my dad had a stroke.

You should be there for your husband, independent of your relationship with your MIL. Your friend will understand, if she doesn’t: she’s not much of a friend. Your husband’s mother will die only once whereas there’ll be stacks of concerts to go to with your friend. If I were your husband, I’d be fairly pissed it was even a consideration

I wouldn’t go. It’s not about the relationship with MIL, your DH might need you.

This.

Im genuinely shocked you would even consider going to a concert instead of being there to support your husband whilst his mum is dying 😳

Your DH has enough on his plate without being made to decide whether he needs you to support him or not. Have some compassion and step up to support him. He needs you more than anyone or anything else at this moment.

Your friend is unreasonable to expect you to take responsibility for her mental health and prioritise her needs over everyone else's especially given the circumstances. Red flag.